Sojourners...

Submitted by thelongrun on Mon, 2008-04-21 11:44

So glad to read your post Hotspring. So inspiring and hopeful. Sounds like a real turning of the corner for you. I hope you continue to share. Funny how we are all at different points on this "orgasmic celibacy" journey and have so much to share with each other. Those further along can give hope and a guidepost for those earlier in the process, and those going through the start and stop of the early stages of this path give those of us further along insight and a reminder of what it is they have passed by.

I have found in drinking and other changes in my life that the further along a path I am, the more I forget what it was that I was leaving behind. This can lead to slipping back, if not into complete relapse, far enough that I need to re-organize and start up the hill again.

I am not yet at the top of the hill but pretty sure I am nearing the end of going this solo. My walking stick, and you all, have been great comfort. I'm ready to meet a fellow sojourner.

Thank you for the inspiration. One thing I notice about your situation is you have already laid the "get to know you" tracks with your "new" partner through your past relationships. Starts and stops though they may have been. You have an understanding and appreciation. A comfort level that you would not have if this was a new man. I'm glad for you to be able to have the experience. It shows us all what that can be like.

Richard, you have that as well. Re-starting things with your wife. I give you and her credit for taking the hard, and rewarding steps to starting over.

I was pausing in my pursuit of a partner in my last few posts. I have been sticking to that. Not seeking. Not "shopping" which I think demeans all of us. However....of course there is a however!

I have met a wonderful woman just this past weekend. I first spoke to her on Thursday and decided not to play the long IM or email tag/chase. We had so much in common that I thought - what the hell? So we went out the next night. Totally relaxed, with an attitude of "I'm going to meet a friend - someone who we share a lot and I can learn from." Not with an attitude of "maybe this will be someone to love me! Maybe this is a sex partner for the future." Nothing like that. So it was easy to be relaxed.

Needless to say we hit it off - and despite our shared focus on one thing at a time, no clinginess, or over thinking this - we both found ourselves connecting early the next day and got together again on Sunday (yesterday.) Had a great day walking around my camp, greeting the horses, and just talking.

I'm sharing this all because it was so nice to be in the presence of someone I respected and enjoyed being around. Someone to be honest with etc. There was absolutely no urge to get sexual at all! That was so nice and as that had been a part of every other relationship beginning I can remember, it was something I noticed and thought about.

So on Sunday she lingered before leaving, and I think that is the time most people go for a kiss? I didn't. I have no idea how to do that anymore anyway, and I totally do not want anything to move anywhere artificially or to change the focus of getting to know each other.

She does not have any experience in all of the things on this site so I'm thinking ahead I know but I'm wondering how that will come up, how it will get introduced, and if we do become intimate - which way will that start?

So in counterpoint to Hotspring - this is a new relationship that I am focused on starting with integrity.

I'll keep you posted.

The other part that Richard and Juli will probably be thinking about is my wife and where she fits into all of this. Well I just don't know. She is going ahead and exploring a new relationship. Even talking about moving closer to each other or having vacations together. I actually don't feel bad about that. If she were to turn around today and say "TLR, lets give it another go." I am not sure what I would do. It is not going to happen, at least not in the near future, but it does give me pause in getting into a new relationship.

So I have not forgotten my last posts about going slow, pausing, consolidating gains, and breathing before moving ahead. I was doing that and enjoying it when I was "rudely" interrupted by a goddess knocking at my door. I would be a fool not to let her in, but I don't plan on re-arranging the furniture just yet. She needs to meet me where I am and I where she is. Just one step at a time.

If it is meant to be for me to get back together with my wife, it will happen. Life will move us back together. Maybe this is all a process of growing and learning for both of us. I do know that whatever happens, both my wife and I are going to be stronger for the experience, no matter how we end up.

Life is good.

-TLR

Comments

Marnia's picture

Submitted by Marnia on Mon, 2008-04-21 13:09.

the Divine Plan never matches up with our plan. I'm glad you're willing to accept the learning before you and trust that it will be best for all concerned whatever future chapters may reveal. We always have the potential to be healing influences in other's lives, as long as we're tuned in.

As a goddess, I can tell you that you may want to either explain that you know a kiss would have been a normal step and why you don't want to rush things...or find some other way to tell her how much you like and appreciate her.

Remember, we women have been conditioned to watch for certain cues to measure our attractiveness/ worth in men's eyes...at least at the beginning of a relationship. I'm not saying this is a great thing...merely that she will not understand a different set of courtship rules unless you lay them out for her...and may wonder if you're gay. *giggle*

Personally, I also think that non-"heat 'em up" touching is very nourishing to both, but I have great faith in you to include that when you are led to.

If you ARE willing to give the "Peace" ideas a try (and I know you may not be...ever...and will still love you smiley ), then try asking her to read a book on the subject just to get her opinion. Tell her you don't want to repeat the same old pattern, and ask her if she'd be open to trying something new. If she isn't, then she isn't. (Phew!)

If she is then trust that it's best to try the ideas at the beginning. Otherwise you will have to deal with perceptual shifts that will make it almost impossible to get that openhearted flow going again in the same way...and you will remain on biology's script...probably with biology's destination.

There are books available at this site, as you know. A good free one is: http://www.reuniting.info/karezza_method_lloyd

Have fun and keep us posted. I'm really happy for you...and her, too. You're a catch! smiley

Submitted by River on Mon, 2008-04-21 17:59.

in Buddhist parlance is mudita, meaning 'empathetic joy', which is when we feel happy upon perceiving the happiness of another. I got a good dose of that when I read your post today (or maybe it was Oxytocin?). Well done TLR for being in the present and open to the gifts being offered, while still keeping a sober eye on the best interests of all involved.

Submitted by richardsnewsong on Mon, 2008-04-21 18:06.

and love is in the air TLR!

It does sound like an idyllic weekend for both of you with the promise for more to come.

Beyond that, it is really hard to put myself in your shoes and know how to advise you but I can tell you this: I had some wonderful friendships with other women as I was preparing the divorce papers last year. I was in a space where I had watched Laurie "date" for 6-7 months and I saw no need to deny myself friendshp and companionship when our marriage was clearly over.

It was a very fruitful season for me, albiet over fairly quickly. It taught me that I did not have to get sexual quickly, even if the signals were there and that I could approach relationships differently. It taught me that I had come a long way in making peace with myself and that I was able to separate my inherent goodness with some not so nice behaviors that had been manifest through my addiction. It taught me that my sexuality was sacred and that I could proceed slowly and carefully before I chose to share it with another women.

I think Marnia's advice is sound as always. A long honeymoon of friendship with the chance to enjoy cuddling and affection sounds oddly refreshing and terribly old fashioned but given the state of serial, disposable relationships, certainly worth a try. People do tend to put their best foot forward when first meeting and it's only with the test of time that you get a chance to see another person's true colors.

And you had no sexual urges at all? I'm not sure if I should call the Vatican to report a miracle or express concern that you did not feel the lovely, infatuating sexual chemistry we all know so well.

Either way, the universe has opened a door for you and no matter where it takes you, there is so much to be learned.

Enjoy!

Richard