New frontiers...

Submitted by thelongrun on Wed, 2008-04-30 14:51

Hey all!
Wow. Here I am in new territory and I must admit I'm at a loss as to what and how to share. I have not really been able to sit back and absorb the new relationship in my life as it is so new and has been so long!

So I met wonderful woman un-intentionally on a dating website. Yes, strange but true. I was not actively looking but the websites of course send you prompters to see the new folks so when i looked - I could have been reading my own posting! Similar desires, situation, same number of kids, almost the same age, similar state of separation, and a very similar focus on separating with friendly intent.

So we connected by email, then by IM and had a date lined up for the next day. I figured, enough messing around. I am either going to meet someone in the flesh and like them, or I'm just wasting my time talking to a real "fantasy" woman back and forth on IM or email.

Needless to say, we both enjoyed our date very much. I was friendly but not sexual at all. I really went in with an open heart - focused on just friendship. We went out Bowling, she beat me well and we laughed for about 5 hours straight. Really nice and no pressure.

We quickly followed up with a date 2 days later, then lunch 2 days, later etc. We didn't even touch or kiss for the first couple of meetings, there was tension as we were both attracted to each other, but it was nice to have the tension. We we had been talking and texting several times a day and honestly it was/is going way faster than I expected and I think faster than I want, but I'm not sure (there's a lot of that going around for me right now.) So we were already feeling very into each other and close.

So 10 days after meeting (this Sunday) I had her over for a barbeque, some outdoor time, and hanging out. Yes, you see where this is headed don't you?

Eventually our kissing led to more and we had intercourse. It's been a long time since I have masturbated (210 days - can you believe that!?) and so there was not really any chance I was going to be able to hold out and not orgasm. So I did, it was wonderful. And there you have it.

Now, I did not start with the Peace Between the Sheets exchanges conversations. I'm just not ready honestly. Focusing on my not masturbating has been enough for me.

I don't feel any shame at all. I did nothing wrong and nothing that either of us did not want to do. We are adults, and we made a decision together.

My focus now is on observing my reactions and moods. I don't think i have noticed a change in mood (except for being tired from lack of sleep) or a repulsion. I have also not felt a need to masturbate at all. The urge for sex did not grow.

The sex was not animal lust driven, it was a conscious choice which is something that was wonderful! It did not lead to any feelings of animal lust.

I don't have much time right now to elaborate but I hope to now be able to use my blog to share these experiences. I have been a long time in recovery, have grown so much, and have consciously chosen to have orgasmic sex with my eyes open. I hope someday we might be able to switch to non-orgasmic if our orgasms become a separating factor, but for right now, I'm not ready to fight that battle too. I'm living into my own body and my own freedom. That's enough for me to start with right now.

I feel I have friends for support and loads of education and self-exploration invested in this site, and it feels wonderful to have you all along during this stage of my life as well.

I welcome any comments, suggestions, disappointments, congratulations, questions, etc. I need all that I get from all of you and hope that I can give back some education/sharing through my experiences.

-TLR

Comments

Marnia's picture

Submitted by Marnia on Wed, 2008-04-30 17:37.

You are such a great guy that I hated to see you "on ice." I'm glad you're doing your best to nourish this lovely woman, and I hope she takes good care of you, too. Look forward to your future posts. I'm wishing you the very best!

Submitted by River on Wed, 2008-04-30 18:09.

How I love that statement. Yes do remain 'tuned in' TLR, the sensitivity to your mind and moods that you have cultivated during the recovery process will hold you in good stead. I don't feel any 'disappointment', rather a 'sympathetic euphoria' at your success! It's very 'heady' and 'dizzy' reading your post, I can feel the bliss! (I think I'll go and read it again just for a kick smiley ). Please do keep 'em (the eyes) open though, you did warn me once about that while orgasm is natural and good, that if we become addicted to it, it can become a problem. But I hear you when you said that it did not lead to any animal lust. Sounds like it's part of your journey at the moment, a natural thing you are meant to go through.
Lots of love and sympathetic joy! (also thanks for the buzz, the happiness spins off the page!)
Asher

Submitted by WilliamC on Wed, 2008-04-30 18:31.

Your story is encouraging on one level. I hope that you and your lady friend are able to deal with the reward circuitry issues and have a wonderful, rewarding long-term relationship.

I'm thinking of wanting to start dating and I do wonder how I will approach woment to ask for their time and energy. Then once I'm with them will I be able at the appropriate time to talk about this new way of lovemaking.

I'm happy for you TLR and I hope you will keep us posted.

Submitted by richardsnewsong on Wed, 2008-04-30 21:42.

With 210 days of sobriety TLR, it is obvious that you have achieved good balance in your recovery and it just seems normal and natural that a women would come and join you in the space of your open hearted approach to life.

We should check the weather report or the cycle of the moon TLR as it seems we were both in the mood for love that night - I admire your honest and practical approach in choosing to reserve a non-orgasmic approach for a time when you are both on the same page in exploring how to grow your intimacy to the next level.

So for now, drink deeply of the infatuation, the romantic intoxication, the newly kindled friendship...let the oxytocin flow as you bond in the kindness and affection of new lovers. I have complete confidence that the same spirit that is guiding you through your wilderness journey of celebacy will guard your heart against any dopamine crash that is forthcoming - how fortunate that you have the knowledge and awareness to understand where any separating feelings might come from.

I will look forward to your continued sharing as your relationship grows and evolves - keep us posted.

Richard

Submitted by thelongrun on Thu, 2008-05-01 07:20.

Thanks for the words of support and encouragement. Richard, I appreciate your confidence in my journey. I want to be realistic though - that I don't believe I am "cured" or "innoculated" from the dopamine cycle and it's sly cunning. I know you are not saying that but you said:

Quote:

how fortunate that you have the knowledge and awareness to understand where any separating feelings might come from.

I'm not sure that I do. I hope I do and will be vigilant, but it will be interesting to see if and when that "gets me!" I fully expect my primitive brain and it's willy charms to be lurking around the corner and jump out with a "gotcha!" when I least expect it. When it does, I will push on and share that experience. I feel very much like I am flirting with disaster and playing with fire. However, if I don't start playing with fire, I am going to live in the barren, cold wilderness of solo celibacy forever!

We need to risk to gain right? Starting the journey away from dopamine dependance was a risk for all of us. As was shared yesterday, the fear of boredom, the push away from what is comfortable, the leaving the known behind - was a risk all of us that took or are taking that path needed to risk and wrestle with. But at some point in the different parts of our journey, a split in the road will present itself - or as William is sharing, we need to create a split in the road. Start off on a path for something new. Each path can only show us so much.

Just as if you were walking in Yosemite and only ever took the path leading to Bridal Falls, you would be intoxicated by that view (just as those of us who are tasting the freedom from dopamine dependance are intoxicated by our new found "selves") - but at some point, you would know the view and long for something else. (segway - I've had this experience actually at Zion National Park - my favorite! - I've been up to Angel's Landing the 3 times I have been there, and at this point, though I will want to go back up there because it is known and beautiful - I have a desire to see the Narrows or the other wonders of the park...)

So I commend you William in your intentionality in setting off for a partner experience. I know on some levels you are scared, some levels you are eager - but the excitement of starting a new journey gives you life!

So new journeys = risk. But if done with our eyes wide open, they hold the promise of growth and elightenment. So I commend all of us who are starting off on new journeys. Whether your journey is currently focused solely on freedom from dopamine dependance - it is worth the risk and all the pitfalls you are or may experience! If your journey is to get back with a lover (Richard) it is worth it for all the promise it holds, even if it is heart wrenching and difficult at times!) And if your journey is taking you to trying the Peace exchanges in a relationship (Hotspring) - again, the promise of growth is intoxicating even though there may be starts and stops to the experience!

So I'm excited to be on these journeys with you.
-TLR

Marnia's picture

Submitted by Marnia on Thu, 2008-05-01 09:50.

In fact, as I rewrite "Peace," I'm treating the 3-week Exchanges (program for lovers who want to experiment with non-orgasmic affection/intercourse) not as a "transition," but as an "experiment." I will suggest that lovers start with the Exchanges to get a "taste" of the alternative, and then move into conventional sex to see of they notice the difference. This is the easiest way to see the effects of the subtle "hangover."

You were right, above, TLR when you said you can't just leap into intercourse with a new lover without ending up climaxing. Too much honeymoon neurochemistry flying around. Mother Nature wins hands down! That's why the Exchanges offer a very slow approach to intercourse. In this way lovers CAN start with them. The first two weeks do not call for intercourse, but for lots of affectionate, playful exchanges.

I, of course, think people get better results *starting* with the Exchanges, although in theory it shouldn't matter which one we start with (even assuming someone WANTS to try both...and I'm not saying you should, TLR, as you well know).

The reason I recommend Exchanges FIRST is that I've never had any luck starting with conventional sex and THEN trying to move to the Exchanges in a new relationship. Too many distancing feelings and urges to "just get off" slowly creep in - making the openhearted Exchanges seem VERY challenging to start later. Much easier to start them and see the benefits while both partners are feeling "virginal" toward each other, rather than projecting all their past stuff onto each other...which orgasmic fallout tends to bring up during the two weeks after orgasm.

However, as I told TLR privately, if he finds a way to avoid the fallout AND keep orgasm in the picture...I'm going to sign up for HIS program. *chuckle*

Submitted by hotspring on Mon, 2008-05-26 13:22.

Hey TLR, give us an update! I'm dying to know all the details! Wishing you the best.

Submitted by hotspring on Mon, 2008-06-23 22:41.

Where did TLR go? I think some big vagina swallowed him whole perhaps?