That's a very tough situation there, Discordia. No one likes feeling pinned by a relative, especially your father. You have made the correct decision, though. Sometimes, the best decision is sometimes the hardest too, and I'm sorry you have to live with a decision that leaves you feeling very guilty. We all have to make some of those in our lives, and I hope the guilt subsides quickly.

You have no reason to feel guilty about it. He may be your father, but he's also an adult. Trust in the decision you made. I hope that you feel better. Honestly. Don't worry about that oracle. It told me earlier this week while I was having a very personal situation to put my personal feelings aside. I swear, it must have a sick sense of humor. Take care, and keep us updated! I think you'll find talking always makes it easier.

I'm very comforted that you got the same message, Marnia, and definitely more motivated to keep the boundaries that I have made an effort to establish. Over the course of the last few weeks, the I Ching has actually been warning me of an impending crisis. Silly me, I thought the "divine" was talking about final exams! I am truly humbled today.

I believe I need to find a way to show my dad that I love him, while not contributing to his comfort any longer. How horrible that is, but the more comfortable he is in his misery, the longer he will stay there. All the signs seem to pointing the way, but I still feel reluctant to follow. One day at a time, I guess.

And thank you very much, Lancer, for your concern. I, too, hope that the guilt will be transformed into something else, something more enlightening. However, it is very difficult to break out of a parent-child dynamic that probably began even before I can remember. This is where my real work lies, I suppose. I'm starting to think that the fact that this year has been so challenging is not coincidental, but due to the intention I set to heal all that was holding me back. Now those areas that need healing just keep revealing themselves one after the other. It's hard to keep up!

Anyhow, I really am planning on posting something here someday soon that is actually related to this website, something positive and hopefully noteworthy. It'll happen someday, I promise.

I've been looking into Al-Anon for awhile now. I'm not completely adverse to the idea, but reluctant at the moment because I'm feeling resentful of the fact the I have to be the one to go to meetings, when I already have so little time to myself, to maintain a social life, let alone a relationship with the opposite sex. Maybe I should change my attitude a little, maybe I will. I'm lucky because I actually have a lot of resources, people who've been down this road before, and are willing to give me guidance.

I'm actually REALLY lucky to have that, because I've also realized that the guidance I've received with this matter from the women in my family is not exactly sage wisdom. And then I remembered... these are the women who survived my grandfather's alcoholism, and never took any steps to aid in his recovery. I'm looking for a different route, and I feel that the directions are being provided for me.

Thank you for your comment, and your encouragement.

to have the honor of sharing in what you are going through Mari and it gives me great peace to see the divine wisdom that is with you every step along the way.

You have hit the mother lode - your relationship with your father very likely resonates with how you relate to men just as my relationship with my mother has colored how I react to women.

I also remember how hard it was to attend my first meetings for so many reasons but now, it is a huge source of support and uncanny how many times I receive divine wisdom from what someone else is going through or what is shared. And the serenity for knowing that you are not alone...and that the experience, strength and hope of people in the program will support you in a wonderful spiritual journey as you live and learn and grow.

I just read about the Hawaiian healing method - can't spell it right now - but it resonated with me and I will plan on taking your sharing to that divine space to assist you on your continuing healing journey.

You are doing an amazing job in all this - going through so much and your wisdom about your circumstance is awesome! Thanks for sharing and keep us posted.

Richard

I was taught this last semester that by the historian's calendar, a given time period is not technically considered "history" unless it is at least 40 years prior to the current date. This is due to the fact that it can be difficult to gage the true impact and meaning of any event until a substantial amount of time has passed. On the individual's calendar, it is clear that the same principle applies. However, I think the time period is relative to the person, because I'm only 29, and by the logic of the historian, I'd have to wait at least another 11 years before anything started making sense!

Okay, this is just one of the many reasons I love history: I'm constantly able to turn it into a metaphor for my own life. I posted this blog originally just about six weeks ago, but I am able to look back today and say with confidence that it really had very little to do with my father's drinking problem. In fact, I can look back at the all the challenges I've faced so far in 2008 (and there have been several already), and say confidently that they really had little do with what they appeared to be on the surface.

My father's alcoholism was less an obstacle to my healing, and more an escape route for me to remove myself from an unhealthy relationship. For years, I've been playing the role of my father's significant other, and for years it had been eating away at me. For whatever reason, but possibly having something to do with guilt, I was unable to admit to myself how I really felt about this. It only started to become clear to me when the issue of alcoholism came up, and I recognized the sinking feeling of dread in my stomach at the idea of taking my relationship with my father into another intimate relationship. I was reminded of the strain put on my last relationship due to the amount of energy I was putting into supporting my father emotionally. I want my father to be healthy, but I don't want to be the one to make sure he's taking care of himself.

There is another part of this, too. Another reason I really needed to put space between us. When I wrote so many months ago about my experience with sexual abuse, I believe I concluded by mentioning another woman I know who was abused by the same man, but was unable to admit this to herself. I have not been able to make contact with her after numerous tries, but her sister is one of my closest friends, and I have come to find out that this woman actually blames her father as her abuser, even though she has no memory of this. It is just a "gut" feeling, she says. I obviously could not say with absolute certainty that she is wrong, but I know her father very well. I spent much of my childhood in their house, and in my heart, I feel that she is not acting rationally. However, I understand exactly where she is coming from, because I, too, have suspicions about EVERY man who could have been in a position to abuse me when I was a child. This includes all family members, family friends, and even my own father. I can see how it would be VERY easy to project those feelings of distrust onto the one person who was meant to be your male protector.

Even though I haven't been able to talk to her, hearing about her new feelings toward her father, I was able to recognize more clearly those same feelings I've carried about my own father. Again, I think I've denied them for so long simply because I felt guilty and ashamed about having them, and that was doing me no good. Taking this time away from my father, and especially ending our working relationship, I’ve felt much more comfortable allowing all these feelings to surface, and begin to heal.

My father has now been sober about five weeks. He took this step on his own, and seems to be doing a lot better. Once it came to my attention how toxic our relationship had become, I immediately became almost sickened by the idea of putting any more energy into it, and I decidedly told him so. This was a very big step for me.

I told him that I needed him to start acting like a dad, and to expect me only to be his daughter. I asked him to recognize the impact that his neediness would have on me, given my history of abuse. Like Richard would say: “emotional incest.” I told him that our relationship HAD to change, or else it could not continue, and while I’m not sure exactly what the next steps are, I do know that I need an adequate amount of time and space to allow those answers to reveal themselves. Finally, I asked him to look me straight in the eye, and promise me that HE never had anything to do with the abuse. That was really intense, but necessary, if I am going to be able to have a safe relationship with him. He told me he never did, and I believe him.

I don’t really know exactly where to go from here, except right now to simply allow myself to feel all that comes up, and just take it one day at a time. It still makes me uneasy, especially while writing about it right now, but the steps I’ve taken here have opened up a space for better things in my life: an improved relationship with my father, hopefully, and even a new relationship with someone special (…maybe more about that later).

As always, I’m very grateful to have this community to share this part of myself with. Thanks for reading.