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Healing from a very recent break-up...
I am going through the break up of a relationship that lasted about a year and a half with someone who was a weekend cocaine user. Cocaine was a new experience for me, and I found the withdrawal symptoms especially hard to deal with. These feelings of intense need also seemed to accompany the ups and downs of the relationship itself, so that I couldn't tell which was which. There were other addictions involved too, alcohol, ecstasy, work addiction and porn, and lots of entanglements with other women which made me feel very uncomfortable...
His projected persona was "alpha-male," very popular and charismatic. His mother is an alcoholic, diagnosed with bipolar disorder and now institutionalized. My father was an alcoholic who died in his forties. It has been two and a half weeks since we broke up, and the roller coaster ride has mellowed, but I'm in shock to realize how painful it all was and how inevitable, neurochemically speaking, given our family histories. I never developed a real connection with this man who I thought I loved, and I am now intensely grieving a relationship which never quite achieved real intimacy. It was, however, quite a thrilling white-knuckle ride.
Hi Gal,
Welcome to the site. Sorry you're hurting. Let's see if I can find a Courtly Companion so you have someone to talk to about it.
A big hug,
Marnia
Hey, Galileo, Sorry to hear
Hey, Galileo,
Sorry to hear your pain. I understand, having been married to two addicts in the past. I heard the truth in what you said about never really knowing your ex. My experience has been that anyone participating in an active addiction is not available in any real way for intimacy. I speak from experience; for much of my life I was addicted to the drama of living with addicts....intimacy was not on the menu.
The most healing things I did were making sure I had plenty of support---at the time, I found open AA meetings helpful. They gave me an opportunity to listen to recovering addicts talk about their behavior, and it allowed me to see, in a more objective way, that much of what was going on in my marriages was not "personal"; that the addict was reacting to the mission statement of his disease rather than responding to me. Al-Anon might be good, too. There's a lot of acceptance and a whole lot of "stuff" you don't have to explain; they understand. The other thing I can offer is to be kind to yourself. Get a massage if you can and are comfortable doing so; surround yourself with beauty. I used to go to art galleries a lot. Get outside when you can. Trees are very non-judgmental
Sending you light,
Cariad
Self Soothing
Thank you for your insight and suggestions, cariad. You've started me on another train of thought: addiction to the drama of relationships with addicted partners. The phrase "Self Soothing" has sifted out from my research. So instead of reaching for another dopamine-rich fix, I've decided to court some of life's simpler pleasures:
Stencil images like birds and flowers.
Listen to music with no lyrics or lyrics in a foreign language
Play my guitar
Write down ideas and dreams and images
Walk in the woods
Cook a good meal
Talk to friends
Play with my cat
And, read a good book. (I am re-reading Taoist Meditation, translated by Thomas Cleary, and Trauma and Addiction: Ending the Cycle of Pain Through Emotional Literacy, by Tian Dayton).