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Changing taste in partners
Thu, 2008-06-12 01:42 — Anonymous
I would be interested in feedback regarding the shift in our internal "menu" around who we choose to be partnered with. I am currently single. While I do have a small group of amazing, stimulating, loving, respectful male friends, none of them are people I am in the least attracted to as either sexual or life partners. I truly do not know how much that has to do with my dopamine driven neurochemistry. I'd like, as most of us on the site probably would, to "rewire" my brain a bit, or to write a different menu for myself, if you will.
It seems to me the most reasonable way to do that is to avoid dopamine surges, participate in oxytocin producing bonding/connection behaviors as much as possible, and do my best to listen to my heart rather than my head. If anyone else has any ideas, I'd love to hear them.
Hugs,
Cariad
Sounds good
You may also want to experiment with an oracle in connection with mate choice. I say that because I think it is really easy to overlook good mates on this planet. We're so used to choosing with our biological drives - and they don't always sense who would actually make the best companion.
One reason I ended up on this quest was because I figured out that I was choosing men who were mirrors of my own patterns. I decided to turn my love life over to the Divine. That lead to a very interesting learning curve. Among other discoveries, I noticed what psychologist Lisa Diamond realized in her recent book, "Sexual Fluidity," namely, that our attractions don't HAVE to go from "sexual desire" to "bonding." They can go the other way, too. That is, suppose you feel guided to consider someone as a partner whom you aren't attracted to. Fact is, you can selflessly nurture that person and THEN discover that a sexual attraction develops. This is an interesting bit of knowledge, because it means we're no longer at the mercy of our biology.
Diamond tracked non-heterosexual women for almost ten years. To her amazement die-hard lesbians sometimes fell in love with men, and straight women sometimes fell in love with women. In other words, people can end up with partners that don't fit their "sexual turn-on" programming when they get to know the person at a heart level first.
This is a long way of saying that you may want to check in with your higher guidance about those lovely men in your life. You could have solid gold right under your nose.
Hi Cariad
It has been my experience that as we begin to do any kind of healing work, the people we attract or are attracted to in our lives begins to shift. I certainly believe this is the case with learning to balance and master our sexual energy. My tastes in men have drastically changed, meaning I'm not really interested anymore in men who have little to offer. As single woman for the last two years, I've gradually found more and more satisfaction in my relationships with my male friends. These relationships have been very nourishing for me, especially as I've learned to relax and not worry about any expectations that may arise if I get too close to someone I may only consider a friendly acquaintance. I've gained some great new friends with this attitude, and strengthened the bonds with old ones.
And speaking of old friends to whom you are not attracted, I would suggest not discounting the possibility of a relationship in the future! A couple months ago, I found myself spontaneously attracted to someone I'd known for almost 15 years, and yet hadn't really considered "in that way." We've been spending a lot of time together recently, and honestly, it is still quite a shock to me the new direction of our relationship. I never would have guessed that I would be feeling the way I'm feeling now!
I think you are really on the right track by questioning your dopamine-driven urges, and how they may be keeping you from real intimacy. I think you'll be surprised to see how that changes as you change your focus. Good luck!
Indeed
Probably the only thing you have to do is tell that voice in your head that tends to write people off to shut up. For myself I always assumed that if men knew the "real me" they either wouldn't "get" me or would be put off. But the fact is, you can never really find out unless you do open up to people (it doesn't have to be everyone, but a few that you trust). I didn't really pick my current lover, I just allowed him to find me, but I don't regret it at all!
Thanks, everyone, you've
Thanks, everyone, you've given me some food for thought.
I have considered these men in my life, two in particular, very carefully because of the connection we already have. I am open to this changing in the future, if that's the way it goes, but for now, the big internal gong in me says a loud and clear NO; there is learning to be done with both of them that I think might be impacted adversely by bringing a sexual element into it. I do see, as you touched on, Discordia, that the men in my life today are entirely different animals than the men who have been in my life since I can remember. That's one of the things that lets me know I'm on the right track. The more I learn about myself and the more committed I am to making change in the way I relate in relationship, the happier and more grounded I feel. Don't know if it's age, experience, hormonal changes or what, but I am not "looking". Paradoxically, that's usually when my next partner shows up
Marnia, do you have an oracle you like?
Be well,
Cariad
Who knows?
Your next partner may not be "on the screen" yet, as you acknowledge. You're probably right that you are being guided to learn what you need to in the right order. Ultimately that is more important than "having a partner NOW"...although waiting can be frustrating.
My favorite oracle is "The I Ching Workbook" by R L Wing. I also created a simplified oracle here at the site: http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/inner_wisdom_oracle