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Right to Be Wrong

Wed, 2008-06-18 04:16 — ferjcas

So, my first attempt at abstinence has failed at day 5 ><

One thing I noticed during those 5 days was how with each passing day I felt more full of energy. However, I also felt this anxiety that became unbearable by today morning. Being single makes it worse. Many times sex is just a substitute for love. Not having anyone to hug or kiss, it feels like the next best thing :/

I'm also taking notice of my feelings after orgasming. First, it's like a completely different person. The urge completely disappears and then I think "But why was I so desperate?! WHO was that? How was that sooo necessary?!". It's unbelievable because it feels like something really takes control of me and it's very difficult to describe. Second, after orgasm I feel... neutered. Like all my manly essence has been taken away, like a sissy BOY: weak, shy and introverted. It's really unsettling. Without orgasm I feel more like a MAN.

Starting over. Wish me luck this time,

F.

Comments

Wed, 2008-06-18 12:37 — cariad (not verified)

Be good to you

You didn't fail, ferjcas. You succeeded for five days. Something DID take control of you----a huge dopamine spike. I have heard countless heroin addicts describe the same experience. I find it beautiful that you describe feeling 'neutered'; not to discount your pain in any way, but because it seems like addiction disrupts the very best, most whole, inner part of us. When I was in my last sexual relationship, I felt very similar. I may not have described it as neutered, but I felt invisible, powerless, weak, and disconnected from my spirit.
While there is an internal "switch" that turns the dopamine on, the wiring for the "switch" that turns it off is a bit more complicated. So, begin anew.
Remember feeling neutered as a place you'd rather not visit again.
I believe that the most real part of your man self is what brought you here.
Big hug
Cariad

Thu, 2008-06-19 04:58 — stanv
stanv's picture

rome wasn't build in a day

Cut your self some slack mate , gradual reduction is the only way to go, you can't just go whoa and quit, unless you're some kind of superman , and that's a big call.
Like any drugs of choice slow gradual process is the only way to travel.
be kind to your self , some days you may doubt the whole think and feel you just can't go without, but given time all this pept up energie will manifest it self in much more creative ways.
In the mean time get involved in some sports or any worthwhile socially connecting interests or group , so you don't just sit around and thinking about how you miss the high buzz of dopamine fix.

Thu, 2008-06-19 05:16 — Marnia
Marnia's picture

Thanks for sharing your insights

Men's thoughts are particularly helpful in this situation. Smiling

Wed, 2008-06-18 16:05 — Marnia
Marnia's picture

Thanks for sharing your insights

--both of you.

I read recently that dopamine goes even higher when we're offered a way out of our withdrawal anxiety than it does when we're using. It seems the brain remembers what offered "relief" and tries to get you to go there by the fastest path...because the primitive reward circuitry sending you the urge doesn't understand that, overall, you're just extending your misery, and risking becoming horribly discouraged. Dopamine largely equates with "anticipation" when it's surging. It's not "relief" as such.

Anyhow, don't fall for the "discouragement," even if you fall for the orgasm. Eye-wink Just keep trying. Keep creating other habits that lead you away from the cues you associate with porn and try to get going on them when you feel anxious. Supposedly new habits become more rewarding after about three weeks. This article was interesting in this regard: http://www.nasw.org/users/skloot/ChangeStory.pdf "Why is it so damn hard to change?"

Thu, 2008-06-19 00:50 — cariad (not verified)

thinking of you

I came down the stairs at work today and saw a stack of phone books on the corner of a table.
Guess who I thought of ?
Hope you are well.
Cariad

Fri, 2008-06-20 00:19 — richardsnewsong
richardsnewsong's picture

The Seeds of Recovery

can be seen in what you share F. I have begun carrying a tape recorder to talk in a steam of consciousness - it is very much like journaling with the added benefit of hearing the inflections of voice which can be very telling about the emotions I am feeling.

In the same way, your journaling will help you get in touch with your feelings and emotions and I believe your divine guidance will start to answer some of your own questions as you pose them.

Your journaling is a great step in your recovery - keep sharing and know we are here to support you.

Richard

Sat, 2008-06-21 19:00 — ferjcas

Thank you all

for your support, it makes this process less embarrasing. Thanks Cariad for your good thoughts Eye-wink And thanks Marnia for that article. It was very good and I can completely identify with it. Several things about it called my attention:

1) It says that you have to find motivation by giving yourself instant rewards for every step you take toward your goal. Well, it is not the first time I've read it. In fact, last week I finished reading the book Self-Discipline in 10 Days, where the author says the same thing: that rewards are probably the most powerful force that drives our behaviour. And behind rewards is dopamine, right? It seems incredible that lab animals withouth dopamine will actually die of starvation because they lack the motivation to do anything at all, even eating.

2) The thing about stress management. Now I'll take that into account...

F.

Sat, 2008-06-21 19:28 — cariad (not verified)

stress management

Hey, F, I can speak to that. I was pretty fried by the time Friday rolled around. I got out in nature and it helped immeasurably. Come to the river with me if you like----read my last blog entry.

Be well,
Cariad