on a purported "Easy Button" and with apologies to the Stapes ad, I believe it is as mythical as Bigfoot.

I am back in good form this morning having just completed a delightful cup of coffee with a buddy, replete with all my favorite trimmings: conversation, wisdom, insight, laughter, tears and a big hug to say goodbye. There was an attractive woman all alone at one table and we reflected on the visual cues of her short skirt as it hiked up her thighs and agreed that being a man is a good thing, a very good thing! We acknowledged her delicious distraction then returned to the conversation at hand - our respective spiritual paths relative to our wives.

It is becoming clearer that part of my insanity is to even consider Laurie my wife at this time. We need a different paradigm to reflect what we are doing here. In an apt metaphor, our framed vows from our 1982 wedding were broken in our last move in 2003 and I saw it as a reflection of the relationship that had been broken in so many other ways over the years by both of us. Ever tilting at windmills, I purposed last year to have our vows reframed and ultimately, I renewed the vows by myself before God on our 25th wedding anniversary last year. It was a noble gesture at the time but also somewhat futile as marriage vows are between partners. A better approach at this time is to treat Laurie with kindness, as my friend, the mother of my children, my financial partner and leave expections of our marriage somewhere else.

As my buddy Rick and I talked, it was clear to me that my journey of healing is to nurture and care for myself and part of my survival plan is to cast off any attempt to repair our marriage which is still in critical condition in the ICU of life. I respect Rick for many things, including his background as an EMT, firefighter and bush pilot in Alaska. In that capacity, he has done many heroic things under intense pressure and knows the medical art of triage like the back of his hand.

So yes, I see the "old" marriage is dead on arrival, without pulse or heartbeat and it is best to grieve and move on in my life. And for the moment if I am to assume that a "new" marriage can be created, it by definition will have to be very different from what we had. In firefighter terms, He pointed out that dying in a burning building while trying to save another’s life is a tragic way to go and when you end up dead, you are no earthly good to ever help another human being - a point well taken.

I listen to talk radio at times and I believe that the one caller I heard on Dr. Laura Tuesday night was divine guidance provided specifically for me. A woman, aged 30 is married with kids. Her husband is on the internet finding women to have sex with and she finds out when she is diagnosed with HPV. She has decided to stay in the marriage and wants to know what to do.

As the conversation evolves, almost as an aside, the woman reveals that her father cheated on her mother and she was the small child caught in the middle of a painful, traumatic divorce. Thus, in her life, she aspires to be a good mother, no matter what the cost. I am touched by what is shared, cognizant that I am just that sort of “cheating” man to Laurie and I brace myself for the appropriate condemnation as Dr. Laura dispenses her advice. I am also touched with the realization that I have been attempting to repair my parent's marriage for 26 years to atone for the truma I experienced.

Dr. Laura goes on to acknowledges that this woman did not make a good choice in men and the woman protests that he was her high school sweetheart, never imagining that he could do such things. Dr. Laura takes her deeper and suggests that she did know and picked him specifically because of her childhood issues. “Did you really think that you could do better than your mother?” she asks. “Don’t you see that you made this choice in a man in an attempt to repair the damage done to you as a child by your mother and father?” I listen intently with much to learn.

That was exactly what I needed to hear. My oracle from yesterday is suddenly crystal clear and I am at peace. The key word from the oracle was neglect. Having suffered abandonment and neglect at the hands of my father and mother, I chose Laurie to provide the same issues in my marriage. In a tragic attempt to repair my childhood, I endure this mistake with Laurie for 26 years for the sake of the children. As I journaled just the other day about why it is so hard for Laurie to even hug me fully present, I asked myself, “Is it any wonder that my body broke down and allowed the cancer to visit my life?” At that time, I did want to die, I did want out of the marriage and saw no way out and now, I am learning more and more to be fully alive in each present moment that I am gifted with. I can see that I have been continually asking Laurie to do affectionate things that she either can’t or won’t do and it is a dysfunctional perpetual motion machine that makes neither of us happy.

I have seen insanity defined as, “Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.” And so I shared with Rick how I knew my relationship was wrong with Laurie, almost from the first moments that we met and yet, I was also irresistibly attracted to her on many levels, one obviously to work out some serious childhood karma. Living with this sort of “buyer’s remorse” has filtered our marriage for 26 years and thankfully I can look at this more objectively now and do what I can to stop the insanity.

I am fortunate that my kids are all basically good kids, kids that know they are loved by their parents and I feel that my primary mission in life to provide for them as their father is complete. So here I sit without the benefit of an Easy Button and ask myself do I really think that anything I say or do will ever change Laurie into someone I am compatible with? I am working on these answers as we speak and realize that the real question to ultimately answer is, "Am I finally clear enough, strong enough to totally surrender, let go, and move on if that is what is for the best?” I am still not sure what moving on will mean and ponder many options, content that I do not any definitive answers just yet. I have confidence that I am on the right path and will have the wisdom and clarity of the divine guidance I need at each right moment along the way.

Part of my exhaustion last night was my body breaking down after "men's night" at the tennis club - two intense hours of competitive, no holds barred tennis. I was honored to be called "the lop sided penguin that kicks ass" (I wear a knee brace) as I dispatched two straight sets of magnificent tennis before my body hit the wall. Mercifully, one of the other players retired with a tight back and I was able to step down also before the third set that was originally planned.

My muscles have become accustomed to tennis workouts over the last few Saturdays but something else is killing me as I play – a lack of “game fitness” that would allow my body to perform at the high level of physical exertion that competitive tennis requires. I push myself through the pain of the effort and it is amazing to see how good I am playing while I fight the inner battle of pushing my body where it does not want to go.

The battle is raging in my mind as I realize my competition is lighter, stronger, faster, and way fitter and I draw upon the resource of mental toughness that I have - always my strong suit - a resource made stronger since my retirement from work and tennis. Amazingly, I see that I am even tougher these days, no doubt the result of fighting for my life against this thing called cancer. In sports as in life as in cancer, my inner voice tells me that I cannot go on another step, another moment, another point and another voice tells me to keep going, never quit, never say die, never give up the fight. I offer up a prayer of gratitude for the suggestion we retire early for the evening and I thank the other players for a memorable evening.

I sat in a courtside chair after our games and could not muster the energy to get up for about 20 minutes. Comebacks are never easy but this one for me is the toughest yet with a long way to go! I also realize I have always taken pride in my fitness and what my body was capable of on and off the court and I give myself permission to take it easy on myself and my perfectionist tendencies. If I look like a lop sided penquin for now, so be it!

And so I sat, content to recharge my battery and watch others play on and I marveled at the levels of fitness I observed. I want to get there yet I know it will not happen overnight. I feel remorse that I have not picked up the pace on my recovery from the stem cell transplant yet realize that it is still less than a year since I got as close to death as one can without actually dying.

I had a time of deep sobbing this morning as I connected and cleared away some pain. I am sure some of this was triggered by Laurie last night. I had just finished my Guideposts article late last night and could barely move off the couch, feeling the after effects of the tennis. The path to our hot tub seemed like a million miles away. Laurie slips in the house around 1:30am and looks surprised and disappointed that I am still up. She does not come into the office to greet me, preferring to interact with our dog and then going upstairs to discover our daughter is still up. When she comes back down, I ask her to go in the hot tub with me and she politely declines and says she is off to bed. In the moment, the thought of just cuddling seems wonderful to me and I drag myself towards our bedroom.

It is then that I realize that she has invited our 18 year old daughter to sleep with us. I attempt to put a boundary around this and of course, everything I say just seems to come out wrong. Laurie expresses her disappointment for my lack of compassion, for not understanding that our daughter is not feeling well. I am drowning in a sea of complex emotions and suggest that they go upstairs to my daughter’s room. Things are going from bad to worse as I recall the impact of “emotional incest” issues between mother and daughter and I attempt to lie in bed all alone. I really just wanted to cuddle with Laurie and go to bed.

I have learned the power of the steps and realize that this is a good time to “promptly admit we were wrong” and I issue an apology to the girls upstairs for my insensitivity without attempts to explain or make excuses. I tell them that they are welcome to join me in our larger bed or not and I call it a night. I am at peace.

A short time later, Laurie comes down the stairs and slips into bed with me. It appears that our daughter has fallen asleep upstairs while in her mother’s embrace and will not be joining us. I am far from slumber and try to content myself with just our cuddling. I am comforted by the softness of this beautiful woman next to me and chose to massage Laurie’s back to maintain respectful touching. Her soft moaning tells me that she is exhausted from her long day also and enjoying my touch. I caress her soft, exquisite derriere and marvel at the way God has made the divine feminine so full of pleasure all the while remaining mindful of not waking Laurie in my exploration. While my mind does explore my desire for a more intimate encounter, I respect Laurie’s boundary and work through what I need for deeper relaxation to find sleep. I get up and eat some fruit, realizing my body temple is still dehydrated and undernourished after the tennis. I come back to bed and touch myself briefly while avoiding any excessive arousal. I breathe deeply and purposely and eventually sleep arrives.

One of many bunny trails that my buddy and I blazed today is the manly desire to fondle female parts, if you will. After all, female parts are a wonderful thing and a man seems to have an instinctive spirit that seeks to celebrate the divine feminine. As we explore this path, I am aware of Laurie’s resistance in this area and realize that she equates any such touch of this nature with having sex. I can palpably feel Laurie resist me in this regard and fortunately for her, I have become more and more respectful of this tension in our marriage. Too many times to mention, Laurie will recount how she had to have sex with me every night for 25 years and I no longer try to defend by pointing out the “facts” as it is more a reflection of her feelings for me and her feelings about sex, not to mention her deep inner pain about men that she brought into our marriage.

I guess my takeaway from all this is to ponder the place for “sexual” touching, i.e. fondling of the breasts and genitals if you will, in a way that is not driving deeper arousal towards intercourse and orgasm. In our case, I realize that we are stuck at ground zero as Laurie appears to be uncomfortable with her body in many ways, at least relative to other women I have known intimately. I can also see how easily this seems to trigger deep pain in her and realize this is something best to avoid. I apologize to express such ignorance in public as I have stalled out in reading Marnia’s book recently for another time in my life. I do tend to multi-task on too many books at once, never finishing anything. My intuition as of late is to read less and feel more by putting my focus on private journaling.

I also have clarity that it is best to not reach out towards Laurie in any way until such time as she expresses her desire to touch or be touched in any way. The feelings of neglect well up inside as such touching is a source of great joy and comfort to me. Again, I resist the urge to dream about a different future with a different partner and pull myself back to being fully present in my situation in the here and now with Laurie. I make a mental note to talk more in therapy tomorrow as I will need better tools to navigate this area of my life both now and to the future.

That being said, do I dare to post this multi-faceted exercise in thoughts and feelings? It did start to be a Reuniting post, albeit a much shorter version just to check in and say hello after the exhilaration of my time with my buddy. There is some good stuff here for me, stuff that I intended to journal so I will throw it out there and let others take what they like and leave the rest.

1 ½ days until my departure for New York and I am so excited. I am not in panic mode yet about packing but I dare not procrastinate too much longer. I did decide not to take my trusty, esteemed keyboard, my partner in many musical adventures, and will make do with whatever equipment is provided there. Now the bigger question is how much of my music to bring and how much to rely on the creative muse of the moment to provide.

I am very grateful it is only Thursday and all is well with the universe!

Richard

Once we shift our focus to our hearts, the menu opens up considerably.
Perhaps this tender regard for one another will evolve into naked cuddles in the garden, Sood
Cariad

As always, your posts are so helpful.