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Healing my relationships
Hi all,
I've been reading posts and thinking about how to move forward now that I have this new perspective on all the intimate relationships in my life, whether or not sex is involved. I realize that I was using sex as a drug (and suffering the consequences of the highs and lows), while avoiding the pain of intimacy and of having to face life and death, and the question of how exactly I am choosing to spend my time here.
The first thing I did was get in touch with Pete, a boyfriend previous to the one I recently broke up with. We spent the solstice weekend together, and became friends again. He was once an addict, but has since given up drinking and cocaine and even his pack a day habit. He only eats raw foods. He was full of spiritual insight. He's still overwhelmingly sex-obsessed though, and kind of inappropriately showed me naked photos of his current girlfriend, someone who lives in another city. "She's thirty, gorgeous, and career-driven," is what he had to say about her. She was really cute.
Since Kevin and I broke up more than a month ago, we've been playing tennis every week, and working on a comic book together, which he wrote, and which features two characters who are essentially experiencing the same existential relationship crisis that he and I are going through--only they're a male/female FBI team. He's still playing head-games with me, sending me a text message that was obviously intended for someone else, and the next day inviting me to play tennis, and then immediately recinding the offer once I accepted it. It would take too long to explain about that here, but trust me, it was the kind of thing where you go, huh? Wait a minute...
Confused, I called Pete, and he advised me to be willing to let go of the whole thing with Kevin: the friendship, the comic book, just let go--because I have to get out of the trap of being passively aggresively manipulated by the emotionally unavailable men I seek out specifically so that I can avoid committed and intimate relationships. Bingo. And yes, it is really cracking me up how my previous bad ex-boyfriend is helping me set boundaries with my most recent bad ex-boyfriend. My life is getting better already...
I'm so grateful to this forum, for allowing me to see these issues clearly, and get a grip on my own self-destructive addictive behavior, and share my thoughts in such good company too.
Be well, talk soon, xoxo
Galileo
- Galileo's blog
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Comments
Healing is Where You Find It
I enjoyed your post and appreciate your honesty and insight in what you shared.
I know that I came here with intent to invite "healing with sexual relationships" into my life and have stayed for a wonderful healing that comes through divine guidance and so much more that is going on here. One thing I especially cherish is the unofficial courtly companionship that comes from being able to interact with the feminine thoughts, feelings and energy here without the corruption of sexual energy that has a tendency to confuse things.
I totally identify with Pete and the way he manifests what is called "cross addiction". At one time or another, I have used drinking, drugs, food, workaholism, hyper athleticism, extreme sports, intense love affairs and of course, my favorite, obsessive sexuality, to manage the stress and pain and loneliness in my life. I wish him well on his continuing road to recovery and hope for your sake that he doesn't have any naked photos of you to share "kind of" inappropriately.
The nice part is the way that Pete is wanting to be a friend to you and advise you about Kevin. It is something us guys try to do on our road out of addiction and it is in the 12 steps under what is called "making amends" by living our lives in the present with integrity to make up for our pasts. It certainly sounds like he knows you fairly well and a good sign that you resonate with his advice.
Have you consulted the Oracle about Kevin? I have had uncanny insight by using it and would be curious if the results you get align with what Pete shared.
Thank you for your sharing and being a part of the good company here we all enjoy. I appreciate your clarity and courage to create positive intentions to embrace healing in your self - a good start and major first step on the journey of discovering a relationship that will be open to sacred sexuality.
I am right there with you in my challenges these days and will enjoy your updates to help me out along the way.
Richard
I got a real giggle
out of Pete helping you to sort out the Kevin situation. Nice work!
Be careful
I think you need to be not only careful about Kevin, who I am sure is self-destructive for you, but Pete as well. Pete has the identical things you are possibly seeking- intimacy with someone who is emotionally unavailable. Now, it seems right now you are doing fine and he is helping you along. I'm not saying that anything bad is going to happen, but keep in mind we don't get to always pick who are emotions fall for. Be aware of where you are going, and take care not to fall back into tendencies which can trigger some of your addictive behaviors.
Balance
It is a balancing act with both Pete and Kevin. I'm more emotionally vulnerable to Kevin right now, but I'm just trying to make use of the energy Pete is making available to me to be resolute about what I can and can't accept in a friendship with an emotionally with-holding ex-boyfriend. I could just walk away...but I think it would be more healing for all of us, to at least try be authentic and offer what connection I can, while setting the tone of self-respect in the relationship...if a relationship or friendship is possible. I don't really know until I try.
The truth is that Pete does have to be watched too...I'm not attracted to him anymore, and I know what his limits are--he still has them, believe me he's still up to many of his old tricks--but I think I can just laugh that off now...thanks for your concern. I believe that one day all this will be much better. For men and women, I mean. I do. It's going to take a long time, because its a tangled mess right now. But its the greatest story every told, isn't it? -G
I have a theory...
.....that many of the finest things in life are messy if we do them right.
Think about it. Barbecue. Ice cream on a summer's day. Falling in love, falling out of love, making babies, having babies, raising babies. Raising ourselves. The dunk tank at the county fair. Crying. Making ourselves vulnerable to someone. Telling the truth. Saying "yes" when someone asks us to dance for the first time. Choosing to be brave when we are afraid.
Being willing to take a good long look at the way it's always been and striking out on a new path, even if we're not sure where it's going.
Observing, celebrating, cutting, mending and detangling the threads that weave us into one another's lives.
It IS the greatest story ever told.
I appreciate your snapshots of what it looks like from your part of the tapestry.
Warmly,
Cariad
I agree
So often I just see the enormous potential, that it helps me cope with the current nonsense. Glad you're feeling optimistic.
Galileo
Such wise words, Galielo - makes me wonder how such intelligent, lovely, brilliant young women as ourselves can end up with such losers ("withholding" men as you call it - if only they could "really" withhold.)
Somehow I feel I'm getting over that one recently - the mysterious, sexy, obessive, potent but self-absorbed and entitled alpha male type. I'm realizing that I have denied myself the pleasures my true soul seeks by choosing men who would be less likely evoke, support, notice, or discover it, so I can't really blame them after all. I have continually shied away from considerate, nurturing, loving, supportive men who are standing in their integrity. Why? Because it would force me to become liberated, which of course I have traditionally feared.
I see you with your cigarette - an evocative picture indeed. A stage of mystique has been set. Beneath it there is cool firm soil and the beginning shoots of new leaves.
Thank you for sharing your insight and sharp wit, and especially your questions, such as: "the question of how exactly I am choosing to spend my time here." And keep the posts coming, we're a captive audience to a fine hand at writing and a determined atttitude of exploration.
As for Pete and Kevin, it seems from your post at least that for now you have a good handle on them. The fact that you are able to remain in their midst and stay steadfast in your power is testament to your intelligence and solidity as a person overall. I have always remained good friends with my ex's, and as Cariad points out, it can be lovely and messy and vulnerable and overall worthwhile (with some, at least). I have learned quite a bit from the fine balance of remaining close and open with previous lovers, and think it can be a healthy inclination if handled from a basic foundation of self-respect and also respect for others and the mysterious ways we share out lives, journeys, and learning together as men and women.