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Trying Something New

WilliamC's picture
Mon, 2008-07-07 03:47 — WilliamC

It has been a while since I've posted. Welcome to all the newbies. It is good to have you all in our community.

I think I last wrote that I had over 30 days of abstinence/sobriety. I slipped a couple of weeks ago and have not been able to get back on the wagon. I've also totally lost interest in all of the 12-Step sexual recovery programs I've been attending for over two years. I've decided to let go of trying to count days and "trying" to stay abstinent. It hasn't worked.

Right now I'm really into allowing myself to feel the incredible lonliness that I've felt for most of my life. I'm in therapy twice a week. I'm not sure of the way out of my problems and issues other than to just feel the feelings and talk about them whenever I'm able. I feel grateful for my therapist. I'm also going to start posting more on this list as I progress. I'm truly grateful for this community because I know that people will hear my frustrations and struggles without trying to fix anything. It's alright, I'm going to get better and we are all going to heal and find better ways to truly love each other.

Comments

Mon, 2008-07-07 04:36 — Lancer
Lancer's picture

William, Here's a question

William,

Here's a question I'm not sure you've heard before, but I think it will help you focus. You seem to be struggling in finding your way. I've been here for several months, and you, of all the men here, have had the hardest time. I have a couple of suggestions, if you don't mind, that I think may help you.

1. Try blogging here more consistently. I think it can help you, because it did with me as I was first starting out. I think Richard and TLR would also claim it is big.

2. Ask yourself this question (I think I've asked you this before): What do you want? Know what you want. If you want abstinence just for a short time, if you want to get back to meetings regularly, if you want someone with you in the forseeable future. You've tried a lot of solutions, William. Which of those worked best and kept you on track? I know the remedy helped. Did a companion too? I'm sure if you approached one of the women actively posting here, they'd be more than willing to accept you with open arms.

Let me know if those helped. Good luck!

Mon, 2008-07-07 12:45 — cariad (not verified)

Welcome back

A couple of things came up for me as I read your post. The last time I drank alcoholically, many, many years ago, I spent about a three month period in and out of a profound sadness around it. I had finally realized that, in practicing my addiction, I was abandoning myself in a way that no one else could ever abandon me. My sadness sprang from the knowledge that I had chosen to act in a way that had divorced me from my spirit, from the voice of my own sweet heart, and from everyone who loved me. That sadness, however, informed me in ways that made it possible for me to stop drinking alcoholically, period. I hear some deep wisdom in your choice to stop "trying", and to listen to your loneliness. I'm sure it has something to teach you.
I have watched many in recovery communities get hung up on how many days they have....what I have learned is that THIS is the only day we have.
Our Lancer has a point----what do you want? What moved you toward recovery in the first place? I have watched hundreds of people get sober from one thing or another over the years, and whether it was a judge, a family member or a loss that brought them to initial abstinence, what kept them there was a genuine desire to live more authentically.
I hear your genuine desire, William.
Addiction is a disease of loneliness. Most successful recovering people I have known have found community to be an important part of their sobriety. I know I did. I have, I still do. I have been walking through some of the most challenging days of my life this past weekend, and do not know what I would have done without the comfort of people who love me who are willing to just sit with me while I experience this.
As you said, they didn't try to fix me, didn't try to solve anything, didn't try to "make it all better"; they believe in me and my ability to sort things out, and they just love me.
If you are unable to get yourself to meetings, can you make a phone call? If not a phone call, talk to us.
Holding you in my heart,
C

Cariad

Mon, 2008-07-07 14:22 — Mitsiky
Mitsiky's picture

Hey

I sent you my screen name for google if you want to chat. If you feel lonely, you might think that you are the only one, but that isn't true. You're not alone in your aloneness!

Sat, 2008-07-12 01:27 — cariad (not verified)

How you doing, William?

Hey, William,
How goes it? Are you connecting with folks?
Just thinking about you and hoping you are well.
Cariad