It's the first day of the rest of my life after my first night at home.

I find myself in a relatively good place sexually - over 2 weeks since Laurie and I had sex and more impressively, no masturbation for comfort over the 2 week period - in spite of some intense emotional pain during the same period.

I see my therapist later today - should be an interesting discussion with so much going on right now.

Laurie and my daugher picked me up at the airport - no hugs, no expression of sentiment about missing me - I did my best to match their lack of emotions and share small talk. Laurie inquired when I got home about me being so distant and I was at a loss about what to say. I found it interesting that she detected my distance as she typically seems very unaware of her distancing behavior. I chose my words very carefully as I had no desire for confrontation.

I acknowledged being tired and also reminded her of recent events - two weeks of her distancing behavior culminated by her calling me to tell me that she does not feel love for me anymore and wants to separate. She asked me to go walk the dog and I agreed, offering to talk more while we did.

Our conversation while walking was polite and meaningful. I began by acknowledging the courage it took for her to tell me how she feels and that I was sympathetic to how damaging my behavior had been to her and our marriage. We talked of myriad issues that are facing us and our energy levels remained calm.

On my flights home yesterday, I poured through an incredible book by Patrick Carnes called, "The Betrayal Bond - Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships". It is a must read for anyone here that is wondering why they continue to choose bad relationships. I felt divine guidance telling me many things that I needed to hear and it helped steer our conversation to what I felt needed to be said.

I moved myself up into the bonus room, in spite of Laurie's offers to share our bed. I was reminded of how I had to fly away 3,000 miles before she found the courage to open up to me and I realize how I overpower her in so many ways. We are both very "needy" people in our own ways and 26 years later, I can see that the road to healing for both of us will require space.

She came up to visit me in my new digs - me with my own kitchenette and bathroom, pool table, TV and weight bench - and continued to insist that I come share our bed. I could see the fear of change in her eyes and did my best to assure her that everything would be OK. I laughed at the realization that the biggest loser in all this is our son as he just lost his favorite place for intimate entertaining with his girlfriend.

So this morning, I sit in my new quiet space and reflect on my levels of fear about the changes for me. My date with the Doctors is in three weeks and the biopsy will tell me what is going on with the cancer that has dominated my life for the last 18 months. Like dominoes, that information will lead to an important decision about going back to my career or not - a very complex, complicated fork in my road of life.

Of course, my marriage hangs in the balance also. I told Laurie last night that she is only just now coming out of denial to see what I have known to be true for some time - that until she finds herself in all this, until I find myself also, rebuilding our marriage out of love and respect is not possible.

I am grateful for lessons learned over the last 2 years since I began my recovery and realize the spiritual growth that has resulted. Pain is a wonderful gift from God with so much to teach us if we are open to learn. Pain fully surrendered to God is spiritual growth as ego dies and there is less to get in the way of more fully realizing the Divine in our lives with each day we are blessed to have.

Richard