I'm trying to record what it's like to consciously rewire my brain...

Have been meditating a lot lately...not going in for any extreme dopamine highs, just very pleasant long mellow experiences. What dopamine spikes I do have are rock climbing at the gym, tennis, and motorcycle rides (and writing this blog). The motorcycle rides are infrequent, I'm a passenger and I'm actually a very cautious person, but the view is so beautiful (the Berkeley hills), that I get over my fear and anxiety pretty quick.

A windy day on the free tennis courts near my house (in my neighborhood people usually just skateboard back and forth over the tennis courts--and in fact did so throughout my game with Kevin), the day of the Wimbledon championship game, I managed to hit a backhand that sent the tennis ball back into my left eye. I lost vision for a few seconds in that eye, and for the rest of the day I let go of the narrative that's run by the left side of my brain, because the experience suggested to me that I had just had a blow to my rational I, and that I should go with it.

Of all the long mellow pleasurable experiences one can have, my favorite right now is just hanging out with my female friends. We are quite an assortment of nuts--I will tell you about them sometime--and we usually hang out with a few of the local guys too. I've been noticing that it's always kind of awkward between us and the guys...there's this dynamic...not always fun, and often unavoidably confrontational. Is the first impulse between men and women ever for friendship, or platonic curiosity, or just to trust someone? I feel stuck in perpetual mating dance land. I wish there was a non mating dance section we could sit in at the bar. I think I'd like to pay closer attention to this situation in the future.

Now that I'm in this goody-goody phase of life, in which all my pleasures are so bloody innocent--I wonder how I can ever go back to the psychodrama, the abandonment issues, the jealousy?

Is that all there is?

I'll let you know... xo Galileo