and fully understand how it feels to be stuck.

I am currently examing my belief system to see if there is a way for me to get unstuck or as I like to say, "Do it, even if it's wrong until I find the right thing to do!"

Like you, I have pretty much discarded counting days as it can be very discouraging but I have allowed my inner divine guidance to show me how I am doing.

I found a really fun tool, which is called a "Personal Craziness Index" and it helps me measure at any one time how I am taking care of myself with my goal being to turn away from anything self-destructive in my life. It examines health, transportation, environment, work, interests, social life, family/significant others, finances, spiritual life and personal reflection, compulsive behaviors and symptom behaviors to give me a snap shot of how I am doing. the nice part is not having to count days but just chart how I am doing "in the now".

Like you, I had never seen a problem with masturbating every two or three days and even in the depth of my sex and love addiction, I never masturbated compulsively but I did so regularly.

Right now, I am working on being very aware of my sexuality and where it is coming from - my SA book makes me laugh as it reminds me that "we discovered that we could abstain from sex and not die!"

I have not had orgasmic sex for three weeks now and more importantly, have chosen not to masturbate either. It is not about white knuckling to avoid losing days of sobriety - it is more about taking better care of myself to have the best physical health possible to fight this cancer thing that has been defining way too much of my life.

Like you, I have desires of divine feminine in my life, especially since the universe has opened up the possibility of a transition away from my wife. I am finally realzing that I deserve that and find myself ready to stop punishing myself for the mistakes I made in my marriage. With great joy, I just booked a nice massage and can't wait to be touched and pampered for one glorious hour!

As I researched my post on chackras the other day, I was reminded of the concept of "depletion" versus "nourishing" and it is helping me define my choice of if and when I might masturbate again. For the last three weeks, I have had plenty of opportunity to masturbate but no compelling drive to do so. I know the chance to spend 8 days in New York playing lots and lots of music helped immensely as it is something I love dearly. My return to play tennis has also helped.

I am also being more loving to myself in the food I chose to eat and have lost almost 10 pounds!

I believe if I chose to stay on this path, my energy will increase and the potential to attract that goddess of my dreams will also increase.

Could work????!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just wondering? Have you considered the effects of regular masturbation on your stated desire to attract a goddess William? How is your awareness of what is triggering you to masturbate and is there a better way to be comforted?

Regardless of where you are at, don't shy away from the struggle and keep us posted on how you are doing - the butterfly struggles to get out of the cocoon and in doing so, develops strong wings that allow it to soar skyward!

Richard

There are some technical difficulties in post production, slowing things down on the You Tube video of "A Joyful Day", including the apparent loss of part of my piano music on the first story that is supposed to be posted. Such is life.

We changed recording systems in mid steam and we have it on the old system, not the new one. I work with recording engineers but do not claim to be one. Had I known we were lacking that expertise in our project, I would have insisted we hire one.

My original soundtrack to "the amazing piano" book is all good but the book is pending publication at a later date. As soon as I can obtain a CD, I would love to share!

That being said, I am working on finding some local studio time to capture my efforts from New York - including some new songs I wrote while there.

Who knows? If I can find the right band here locally - I would love to do live performance at this time, a nice change of pace from my steady diet of contemporary christian worship stuff.

Today has been a great day for feeling the air filling my sails and I am full speed ahead in this voyage called life.

One way or the other, rest assured as soon as I can post or link something, I will let you know!

Richard