is the way my therapist explained it today. It made sense then - it makes even more sense now that I have had time to reflect.

The basic premise as I understand it is that people have a need "to live, to love, to learn, and to leave a legacy". I can use this approach to move beyond "urgency addiction" (as if I needed another addiction label) and to take a more measured approach and maybe even stop and smell a few roses along the way.

Mind you, 20 months of non-stop cancer treatments does lend itself to a certain sense of urgency. Kinda like a real life "Bucket List" - I set off to live my life to it's fullest while I still have a relatively wonderful quality of life.

Recently, I have been challenged in my return to competitive tennis at our local club with painful feet courtesy of the chemotherapy. Nevertheless, I have feet (hello!) - I'm back doing something I love and realize with a spirit of gratitude that there are so many less fortunate than I. So I grin my best grin and acknowledge that I am incredibly healthy for a sick guy!

If I do my best every day to count my many blessings - miraculously, the good things will follow as the universe aligns with the energy I resonate with. A large flock of birds darkens the sky above me after my meeting tonight and others nearby are pelted with bird droppings while I come out unscathed - a coincidence?

I had lunch today with a good friend from work. We worked together as peers for a number of years before she left for the corporate office to make her mark. She came back as my manager in 2002 and we had 2 amazing years together before I was reassigned to corporate. And while our careers took separate paths from there, we are back together as fellow cancer survivors, doing our best to compare notes and encourage each other.

She has seen me up close and personal over the years, expressing my genuine self through my career and treating my employees with decency and respect. She has also watched me give of myself sacrificially to my family and the community around me through coaching, volunteering, leading worship at my local church.

As she expressed remorse for the latest development in my marriage regarding the separation, she looked at me with complete confidence as she confided, "If you have any doubt about your ability to bounce back and find another women to love you, please don't worry about that for another minute!"

And while I know this to be true, first things first.

With Laurie gone, I am on a honeymoon with my 18 year old daughter - she leaves home for college in September. A fog has suddenly lifted with Laurie gone and I feel a wonderful connection return between my daughter as we exchange pleasantries each day, walk the dog each night or ponder what to whip up for dinner. She coyly asks if I will rub her feet after her hard day waiting tables and I gladly comply.

First things first.

In the last week, I have penned two in depth emails to my three children sharing my enduring love for them that will never change as long as I live. In the first, I attempted to share my perspective on the separation and assured them that everything is amicable and they will always have both parents that love them. In the second, I challenged them to start defining what they will look for in a life partner that they can begin to align their energy to realize what they desire when they are ready. I am blessed to be close to my kids and since my daughter is 18 and my boys are only 21 and 23, they are still prone to youthful mistakes and yet open to a father that is willing to share honestly and candidly about his experiences and life lessons learned the hard way.

First things first.

Laurie remains purposely distant from me as she works the fire. I play a hunch (male intuition, an oxymoron?) and text her that "I love you and hope your day is going well." She calls later this evening and my heart leaps, "is she responding to my text?" It is strictly business as she tells me her assignment is over but instead of coming home, she has requested a transfer to another fire. I want to discuss the specifics of our separation upon her return but realize how important this time away will be for her recovering self esteem. I clarify that she is telling me, not asking me about her plans and I encourage her to do what she deems best.

First things first.

In Laurie's absence, I have had the chance to process some deep pain that I know is tied to childhood trauma. It is a powerful window of opportunity for me to raise my consciousness and enhance my spiritual connection with divine guidance. I know my coping mechanisms of chatting, on line dating, leading to flirtation, leading to seduction that serve to medicate the pain and I sincerely want to break this bondage at all costs. I am celebate from sex with Laurie and masturbation both and my life is strangely serene more and more each day as the days become weeks and the weeks become months. Thus, the myth that I need and/or accept sex as a substitute for love is shattered.

First things first.

I talk candidly about "her" in therapy today. She is by all measures, the goddess of my dreams and I know that I know that I know her love for me is real. He challenges me that in 2-5 years, I will be right back where I was with Laurie as he notes, "Wherever you go, you take yourself with you." I counter his argument that with this cancer, 2-5 years may be all I have left. He acknowledges the irony and admits he has no easy button for me.

First things first.

In my heart, I am reminded of recent memorial services I attended and how the children spoke of the legacy of their fathers. I have taken a simple situation and made it terribly complicated. I want to deal with the issues of my marriage and my personal recovery before I will be completely ready to move on and consider another relationship. My children are watching and learning major life lessons about love, respect, responsibility and doing the right thing. My cup runneth over with blessings and my heart is brimming with confidence and divine guidance that God's plans for me will provide a future and a hope.

First things first.

Richard