It's a quiet Monday morning and I have been busy with mundane chores around the house. I took some time earlier in the day to improve my conscious contact with God and received confirmation on my path in life at this time.

The words of Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount tell me that, "Blessed are the poor in spirit." and I see the absolute futility of any form of spiritual arrogance in my life. As I surrender and confess my spiritual poverty in the moment, I do my best to be empty of self and receive a filling of Divine Spirit that leads to the serenity of being fully present in the moment with God.

I was recently told that the best way to find God is to: 1) stop acting like God, and 2) Let God find you. With so many concerns and major life decisions up ahead, it is a very good time for me to take this approach. I am reminded last night at a recovery meeting that my dance with cancer has had a major spiritual impact in my life, as if God knew that it would take something of that magnitude to bring me to my senses. During the meeting, a man that I deeply respect shares his admiration for my grace under pressure and it builds my faith that I am making progress in turning things in my life around.

I have an appointment for a bone marrow biopsy tomorrow and if there was any way to avoid this, I would. I have had 4 such procedures in the last 18 months and it ranks up there with my least favorite things in life. I will be given drugs to reduce the anxiety and then do my best to find my "happy place" as I bear up under the discomfort of the moment. I tell myself that "this too shall pass" and look forward to another "post biopsy" season of enjoying life with little or no interaction with medical procedures. There will also be an MRI and PET Scan next week but those are a walk in the park compared to the biopsy.

It is tempting at this time to let bitterness enter into my heart and in my weakest moments I wrestle with my understanding of God and why my season of trials continues. The conventional wisdom of the medical community tells me that the spectre of this uncurable cancer will haunt my life all the rest of my days. Before my pity party gains traction, I read one last devotion that puts things in perspective.

Once again I am drawn to the words of Jesus and my life is likened to a grape vine in a vast vineyard. After a season of bearing fruit, it is necessary for the vine to be cut back in preparation for next year's harvest. The pruning can be painful as things in my life are cut away in the Winter of my despair and yet I can look forward to the new growth that will result in the gentle rains of Spring.

I look forward to a renewed strength in my life as a result of this pruning and realize that the greater purpose in my suffering will result in a bountiful crop of new fruit in it's season. I feel at peace with my circumstance as I write this post and experience gratitude for the many blessings in my life. My faith is strengthened as I receive the assurance of things hoped for and the conviction of things not seen. I am really not that special or unique and I can easily die with the cancer, not from it. Regardless, I am right where I need to be and continue with a quiet confidence that there are many more good things to come in my life.

I know that I can touch other's lives through meetings, writing, playing piano, being fully present for my kids, living my life openly and honestly with loving intent, and dying to my self by caring for those around me.

2008 is already a very good year and can only get better as my recovery continues.

Richard