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The truth is in the compulsions
Someone suggested recently in my blog that masturbation without guilt, without lustful images can be a good thing. As a result, I decided to take them on. The results were less than impressive. As I did just that: a very slow, methodical arousal, as opposed to the way I used to. I found that I had just as big of a need to return and complete the cycle and go all the way. After that, I felt the compulsion to do it again, and it happened a couple of more times within about 4-5 hours.
I've learned that masturbation in any form with me can't work. After Saturday where I did that, I have been solidly abstinate and decided this is the path I need to focus on. I don't think there's any other optino for me. Doing anything else is like giving a cocaine addict a little bit and saying, "here you go, but that's all you're allowed." I look upon my treatment in the same way alcoholics and narcotics recovery groups do: you just don't go to it at all, under no circumstances. That's the only real option here, and that's what I plan to do. I feel that this probably constitutes a half step backwards, especially because the last few days I've been feeling compulsive urges towards unwanted behavior. It will take several days until I adjust to the lack of it all again.
I know my stance and position are not ones people like here, but then again, I'm not trying to make everyone happy, I'm trying just to fix the ongoing issue with me. So, I'll just have to see where I am in a couple of days.
- Lancer's blog
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Comments
Very well said
You have found a truth about yourself in your compulsive behavior following masturbation, and that doesn't really seem like a step backwards at all. I think that finding what doesn't work for you is just as important as finding what does. Each time I feel like I've taken a step backward, my personal truths inevitably evolve, and oftentimes, I find that I've actually been pushed forward. It's all part of the process and the path that we're all on... finding what works for each of us as individuals.
It still sounds like you're making a tremendous amount of progress since we first met.
Sorry, Lancer
Still, you've strengthened my resolve to stick with the message I've been learning.
I've been reading again about the evils of sexual repression, and it made me jumpy...as it can do real damage. I would not want you harmed in anyway, as you know.
But now I can relax, knowing that you're not becoming a fanatic.
You're just another bold explorer checking out the results in his laboratory...like the rest of is.
Actually, you've made me *really*happy. It's much better to have a clear, clean line in the sand about what will help people regain their balance.
Hope you can grit your teach and level out again soon. Again, my apologies for a bad suggestion...and hats off to "Curious" for being right on target.
For an Alcoholic
even one drink is too many and that is why their goal is to never drink again. Often times an addict will strictly desire to control their behavior and it never seems to work as the saying goes, "Half measures availed us nothing."
An alcoholic can live a full life without alcohol and it is a wonderful revelation for us guys to discover that we can live quite nicely without masturbation although often times we told ourselves we might die without sex!
It takes a lot of courage for you to acknowledge where your path is taking you Lancer. The key thing is you have defined another approach that will NOT WORK for you and this will strengthen your resolve to be steadfast in the direction that is best for you.
The key point I like to stress is avoiding guilt and condemnation for slips as they seem to be a normal and natural part of recovery. If you beat yourself up too much, it tends to be the fuel that trips you up the next time. I have gone the longest in not slipping when I don't think about it or worry about it at all. It's like the very act of resisting energizes the very thing I am trying to avoid - go figure!
At a certain point in time, you can look back at say the last year and all of a sudden you realize that you have been 98% good with a handful of slips and it builds your faith that you can do even better going forward. There is nothing more contagious than success, so keep looking at how good you are doing and don't waste a lot of energy dwelling on your mistakes.
If you have not checked it out already, I think you will find the information provided by Sexaholics Anonymous on their website helpful as they define sobriety as complete abstinance from masturbation. It is an admirable goal as it reserves your sexuality exclusively to the realm of sex with your life partner - which can be the highest expression of unconditional love with the right person.
I wish you all my best with your continued success and will enjoy hearing more about your experiences along the way.
Richard
Marnia, I have a bit of a
Marnia,
I have a bit of a problem with your "sexual repression" as you call it. It is not "sexual repression" to stop compulsive sexual behavior. I forget where I read it, and it might have been on this site, but compulsive sexual behavior is NOT natural libido. I think you have confused that with healthy, regular sex. Now, as in my other blog post, we can get into whether or not it's religious values about sexuality or our lack of understanding or discussion on the subject, but I am sure of one thing: the kind of behavior I've been through isn't healthy sex.
This all ties together, Marnia, with a lot that you and I have talked about with me dating. Now, I think a lot of that discussion has been about moving sexual energy, as you call it. Really, I think it's a bit more simple, and that it's about finding a place to put addictive behaviors to resolve intimacy issues that possibly exist. Now, those are reasonable and valid, but there also must be a transition period, and I think this because if you don't transition out of that and build a better view of self and a view of the world, then there's a good chance when going to date and seeking intimacy, it instead can lead to a new compulsive sexual problem where it's one night stands instead of masturbation. Time and conservative approaches are best when coming out of these kinds of situations. That's why usually after a 30-day rehab stint, most places like you to go to a sober living location, so that there is still that trust that there will be no drugs or alcohol and you will not use, but you can live something closer to a normal life with a job and going out to various places.
Some people would call this fear tactics and scaring others into doing things that are bad. The truth is, people can make their own decisions. I've been criticized on here, sometimes in not so subtle ways, of judging others, being arrogant, and a lot of other things. Trust me, I don't take anything personal on here at all, especially when I'm talking to someone about a decision they're making. I do care about them, but I do objectively look at what I see. I just try to tell someone if I think someone's playing with fire, I say it. Sometimes it isn't the nicest approach, but if someone you know even a little bit is trying to start a fight, do you intervene and try to stop it or do you say, "hey, you know what, I'll let him get his face broken, maybe worse, and then afterwards, I'll just support him." Maybe a bit extreme, but an interesting dilemma nonetheless.
Before someone calls me still elitist, let me just say this: I'm guilty of it too. I'm guilty of walking into bad situations fully knowing that the potential for it to blow up in my face is pretty high. However, I've been getting more and more careful on that front, mostly because I'm not a glutten for punishment. I can take a lot of abuse, but why go through it if I don't have to?
Just some more food for people to think about.
Great post, Lancer
Believe me, I agree that it's not "unhealthy repression" to stop unhealthy behavior. That point is, indeed, what my whole site it about.
My dilemma was/is that there are, unfortunately, a lot of bad examples of unhealthy repression around sex, and have been through the ages. Remember the Arch-Deacon from the Hunchback of Notre Dame?
As I begin work on my last chapter, I feel the need to get *really* clear about what is different about what we're exploring here. For better or worse, a lot of the current extreme behavior is, at base, justified as a "healthy" reaction to unhealthy repression around sex. And most people have a knee-jerk reaction to the suggestion that they'd be happier finding balance in their sex lives. That reaction is to scream "unhealthy repression."
I'd like to head off that reaction to the extent possible, and get them to think rather than react.
Your post is helpful, and I'm going to be focusing on that key issue of socializing...that is, making the transition to getting our most rewarding pleasures through meaningful connections with others (instead of do-it-yourself sex). You'll be pleased to know that I'm making it clear that a transition period is a normal, healthy place to be for a while. Thanks for your insights.