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What Do You See in Your Clouds?
Things have been a little intense, even a little crazy recently. I set up a new recovery meeting on Monday nights and was honored to be the only person in attendance last night.
It is not a problem at all as I heard a story recently about a man that ran a meeting for one year all by himself - he received the greatest gift of all from time spent in reading, meditation and prayer - his sobriety.
I pick up my biopsy results today and of course, it is hard not to feel some anxiety. As I meditate in the hot tub early today, I look up and find myself mesmerized by the clouds - as if God painted each one to remind me of His grand design for life.
The irony of this is not lost on me as I read my morning devotion.
In the Bible, clouds are always connected with God. Clouds are those sorrows or sufferings or providences, within or without our personal lives, which seem to dispute the rule of God. It is by those very clouds that the Spirit of God is teaching us how to walk in faith. If there were no clouds, we should have no faith. "The clouds are but the dust of our Father's feet." The clouds are a sign that He is there. What a revelation it is to know that sorrow and bereavement and suffering are the clouds the come along with God! God cannot come near without clouds. He does not come in clear shining.
It is not true to say the God wants to teach us something in our trials: through every cloud He brings, He wants us to unlearn something. His purpose in the cloud is to simplify our belief until our relationship to Him is exactly that of a child - God and my own soul - other people are shadows. Until other people become shadows, clouds and darkness will be mine every now and again. Is the relationship between myself and God getting simpler than ever it has been?
In my alone time of the meeting last night, I read a chapter on "withdrawal". It described me and what I am going through to a tee. Pure and simple, it is not just withdrawal from drinking or drugs or sex - it is the withdrawal from relationships that medicate me when I fear being all alone and feel like I am going to die.
I am thankful this morning that the chapter on withdrawal ends with some light at the end of the tunnel for me. I have not talked to "her" for 2 weeks now, even though it is agony for me. I still have issues with my wife and find it even harder to let her go as she is never far away in the household that we share.
In the midst of all this, I see small glimpses of peace and serenity as I see myself for the amazing man that I am, full and complete, a child of God not needing a women to complete me but deserving of all the blessings that a loving and intimate relationship with a women can offer. I start to see the clouds of this time alone as a blessing to me as I learn to know and love myself better.
I am told that this time alone will become easier and more peaceful as the effects of withdrawal start to fade. It is just another season in my life and the clouds remind me that life is fluid and ever changing.
I cling to one last thought:
There is a connection between the strange providences of God and what we know of Him, and we have to learn to interpret the mysteries of life in the light of our knowledge of God. Unless we can look the darkest, blackest fact full in the face without damaging God's character, we do not yet know Him.
I rest in the progress I have made towards fully knowing God and look forward with confidence to the lessons I have still to learn, to know and be known even better. Joni Mitchell said, "I really don't know clouds at all." I would have to agree but for me, this journey in life is growing in richness as I learn to know each cloud in my life intimately.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcrEqIpi6sg
Richard
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Comments
When I first
turned my love life over to the Divine, I expected Mr. Right to show up immediately. I was prepared for the idea that he wouldn't match *my* ideals, because I had begun to suspect that I was just choosing based on projections from my past.
Instead of "Mr. Right," I "got" over a year of celibacy. Looking back, it was, indeed, the wisest of the options available at the time. I didn't yet know anything about the sexual satiation cycle - and had no good way to learn it. The one book I had that talked about the solution was gathering dust on my shelf because no men seemed interested in practicing it.
So the safest solution was to "take the knife out of my hands" for a while. I, too, delved into my spiritual work, reading and thinking eagerly. I, too, was alone a lot, as I had just been transferred to Europe. It wasn't a bad year, as it turned out, although I do remember hurling candles at my wall, shouting "I don't think you HEARD me up there. I requested my ideal mate!"
Of course, if that mate had shown up, I would just have made another relationship mess, because I didn't understand what I needed to learn. My first lesson was, "it's so much "who" as "how."
A big hug,
Marnia
Unlearning
Hey, dear man,
I loved the Oswald Chambers quote ..."with every cloud He brings, He wants us to unlearn something." That has been exactly my experience. It's an experience of recovery, discovery, and if you will, "uncovery"----all the extraneous stuff, the fortress around me, the habit patterns and old ways of being have fallen away, leaving me open, naked, clean, renewed, trusting.
I can hear that happening to you.
I can't tell you not to be afraid, but I can tell you it's worth it. It's a gift, Richard. You know that.
Love, love, love,
Wendy
Big hugs for you
Wishing you all the courage in the world.
Into Every Life
a little rain must fall.
The biopsy is good news and bad news - the multiple myeloma is characterized as "persistent" - impacting 20-30% of the plasma cells found in my bone marrow.
It makes the results of tomorrow's PET Scan all the more significant - cancer of the plasma cells does not appear to be a problem per se...should it spread and take hold in another organ of my body, well, that could be another story.
My game plan remains the same - live each moment, each hour, each day fully alive and cherish every blessing, every cloud, every storm, every sunny day.
It is a refreshing change from a life of quiet desperation and yes, there are times when I want to shout and scream and rage against the machine. And yet, that would seem to me right now such a waste of energy when the secret of life is found in how I float effortlessly above and through life's clouds.
I have an appointment for massage at noon today - how wonderful is that?
Richard
Hope you enjoyed your massage
Sorry you don't have a clean bill of health...yet.
A big hug,
Marnia