God is doing for me what I cannot do for myself.

I can't wait for this last test today to be done. I feel like I have been shirking my responsibilities as CFO (Chief Fun Officer) of ReUniting. I leave for my old home town of Los Angeles tomorrow for a week of fun, relaxation and visiting with friends, old and new. I will also get to see an international myeloma specialist to discuss my most recent rest results.

I shared about clouds with everyone I could yesterday. I needed to - without God's powerful message in my life, it would have been all to easy to fold up like a cheap tent in a stiff breeze.

You see - woven into my day of incredible spiritual revelation yesterday, was a counter-melody of dealing with a very angry women in my life. She came to my therapy with me yesterday and it was a perfect demonstration of my lack of "emotional boundaries" as I was doing my best Clinton imitation to "feel her pain". I felt so horrible that I sincerely wanted to die.

The particulars are not the point at all. I am at peace with this women and have no ill will towards her. What I do know is that I cannot afford to leak valuable life force energy all over the floor like a wounded puppy with it's tail between it's legs, when I am engaged in learning to focus my gift of abundant energy towards a noble battle against death.

It's so damn confusing. When she is spent from her angry tirades, she lies so still and beautiful in soft repose. It is all too tempting to lie next to her and pull her close in a full body cuddle. As I create this word picture in my mind's eye, it is all too clear that I am laying next to a volcano, one that I can never predict. Should she go off when I am open, vulnerable, unprotected - it is likely to cause me harm. And then, in this moment of word mediation, I realize that this is what I have known most of my life - very much what I experienced as a child around my alcoholic mother - never knowing if a hug will be offered or a slap of the face.

And so, it is the first day of the rest of my life and the past is an interesting anecdote with no power to define what I chose to be today. I was reminded yesterday that "the best way to see the future is to create it."

God is doing for me what I could not do for myself.

I know, I know! Why do I keep saying that? It's my new friend's prayer. Never met him but hope to some day. He came to me in a CD series of AA retreat lectures on sexuality and he is a profound man of powerful healing intent. In the last CD, he threw out his phone number and I called him to tell him how much his sharing impacted my journey of healing. We connected in a way I never imagined.

We have talked of marriages, of children, of addiction, of pain, of depression, of sexuality, of Eckhart Tolle, of life in Southern California where we both grew up. He asked me to call him this morning just before my PET as he has healing gifts and he wanted to be a part of my experience today.

God is doing for me what I could not do for myself.

I had a gentle conversation with my wife this morning about life and our future. I told her I could not afford to fight her, using vital energy that is best reserved for energizing my health. We got into a discussion about massage as she is very angry and resentful of me spending our hard earned money on such frivolous stuff. I can't really say that we made a profound connection and understanding but I held my ground on what I feel I need to do in my life. I reiterated the purpose of our separation is to allow each of us the freedom to do what is best without the limitations and constraints of our troubled marriage. As she left today for work, I felt liberated and free.

I turn to Peace, Love and Healing by Dr. Bernie Siegal, M.D. and reflect on all the wisdom in that book that was given to me for my use in healing. I feel a deep sadness that the book has been mostly unread for over a year as if I still believe that someone "like me" does not deserve the blessings it contains. I open the book and see the guided mediations waiting for me and I am sure they are very much like the ones that Dr. Dean Ornish recommends in his book about switching off the cancer genes. I purpose in my heart to create my positive new future.

Before I transition to head for my PET Scan, I find a short passage written by a former "very angry women" with cancer and it resonates with my journey, so I listen intently.

Hugs to all the good people here at Reuniting and thank you for all the love that is shared here in our community.

Richard