One week and counting...
One week orgasm free. No longer looking for an intense pay-off from life, I am experiencing emptiness, slow and sweet, and there is this sense of space, that empty nothingness that has a special quality. Is this heart energy? We all want to be taken to the edge of ourselves, but maybe it's better to approach it gently, and learn the art of returning home again gracefully.

Ego Battles
I find myself thinking about the other women involved in my break-up with Kevin. For all my experience I am still naive, and have more often than not been shocked by the behavior of the other women in my drama--how complicit they were in destabilizing my relationships. I am being subjective, and trying to work through it.

Some recent wisdom read at this site helped--such as, that illicit or naughty behavior adds an extra dopamine charge, because it is risk-taking behavior and nature rewards that, on top of the basic reward for taking advantage of nearly every available mating opportunity in sight. It stands to reason that one would not be bothered by the fact that one's target male's girlfriend happens to be present--it even makes it that much better.

I still feel like I lost a battle there. My ego hurts, and my inner warrior is waving her sword above her head, saying, "Look out, all you who have dared oppose me with your selfishness and callous inconsideration!"

Scarcity
There's also a big dopamine rush associated with the ego, and the idea that there can only be one winner in any ego battle. "There can be only one!" as the immortals say in The Highlander just before they chop off their rival's head and experience that rush of centuries-old pent-up energy. To be the most desired one, or the one who conquers the most desired one, lights the brain up with ego-induced dopamine. Rather than writing off the rival women in my life as a bunch of evil creeps, I should consider the fact that they were all accomplished at competing for and securing the attention of the alpha male, and that this too has become like a drug for them, and a substitute for real connection with another human being.

Catalonia
By contrast, one of my close friends is from Barcelona and gatherings at her house are organized around a different principle. Catalonian women make emotional contact with all the other women in the room--they immediately draw you in, and share secrets and affection. The subtext seems to be, "After all, we are all women, and we are all in this together." Around this spectacle of female inclusion and intimacy you can see the men, moving in close for warmth. It's like a furnace, where affection and happiness are generated, and which spills over to be shared.

I remember commenting on this to a man from Mexico and he said, "You know, you white women treat each other like shit!"
Yes I know, I said. Let me tell you all about it...

I wonder, is this a real cultural difference and could it possibly be because Spain is a Catholic country and women have a female representative in Heaven, and so are sure of their role and their power? Another man in the group who had lived in Japan offered the observation that the vocal pitch of women from Spain was low and deep and husky, whereas that of the Japanese woman was high pitched and child-like. I leave that to you all to reflect on as you wish.

Marriage of Opposites
I saw an impressive couple today. He was a neo-hippie punk in a mohawk, and she was a blonde gothic noblewoman. It inspired me to make a request to the Universe:

This is my request:
I am ready for a real relationship with a man.
I want to see and be seen, and share this moment on earth with a man who is my equal.

Amen.
Nam yoho renge kyo.
And so it must be.