My visit to Los Angeles was full of wonderful connections of old and new friends alike. It was hard to say goodbye but I left with the knowledge that I am welcome to come visit again or even move in for an extended stay. It warmed my heart to know that some of my oldest friends are still some of my dearest friends after all these years.

Laurie and I have been like two ships passing in the night. Just 6 days after my return, she left for another 2 week work assignment out of town and so our separation continues. She remarked that I could have our bedroom back once she left but I politely declined and decided to continue to sleep in the bonus room as it does not feel right to me to inhabit our marriage bed at this time.

The bonus room is a place of quiet solitude and reflection. At night, I look out over the beautiful city lights down in the valley and each morning I feel the warmth of the early sunrise shining into the room and inviting me to greet the day.

In Laurie's absence, there is a peaceful calm in our home and my time with the kids is precious. My 18 year old daughter seems to come out of her trance and our evening walks are full of father/daughter conversations that did not seem possible a year ago. My 23 year old son is my beautiful man child and he still welcomes my embrace when our paths cross as he comes and goes from work.

I am back on chemo until further notice, having been unable to shake this cancer for which they say there is no cure. It is a constant reminder that there is so much beauty in living fully present in each precious moment as too much introspection on my circumstance can only lead to depression. I no longer want to regret my past, nor worry about an uncertain future. It is not a question of why bad things happen to good people - more an acknowledgment of gratitude that any good thing happens to such an imperfect person and while life is less than ideal, there are so many less fortunate than I and I am reminded constantly to count my blessings.

Nevertheless, the side effects of the chemo serve as a warning that this cannot continue indefinitely - either the side effects will become debilitating or the cancer will become "chemo resistant" and we will have to look for another chemo to try. I have another bag of my stem cells in cold storage in Seattle should I experience a major relapse and require another stem cell transplant. It has been a long road back from the first transplant but my will to survive remains strong and I am still hoping to maximize the mind/body potential for healing in my life as an alternative to traditional medicine.

My days are full with a growing list of self care. Exercise. Guided visualization. Nature hikes. Secluded pools up on the Applegate River. There is always plenty of the mundane - bills to pay, dishes to clean, grocery shopping, house cleaning and laundry, handyman repairs around the home.

I typically attend 6 recovery meetings a week and my private journaling is a rich journey of self discovery that has opened up doors to the subconscious thoughts and feelings operating behind the scenes of so many things in my life. I browse the information shared here at Reuniting and live in faith that some day, I will have another chance to experience intimacy with a special someone.

With my daughter leaving for college in late September, I hope to begin discussions with Laurie about closure on our marriage as our separation has only served to highlight how disconnected we have become over the last 2 years. For Laurie, it all seems to revolve around protecting her financial stake in our marriage while for me, this time of relative health is my most precious commodity and it seems right for me to dream about travel, good friends, music, writing and every other passion that makes me come alive.

There is another dream that remains. When I first came to Reuniting, I was hopeful that this approach to healing sexuality might help to bring Laurie and I back together. Now that this hope is fading, my thoughts turn to hope for my future with someone else.

At one time, I started a post called "Must Love Dogs" to express what attributes my dream lover would posess. I still expect to complete this list as part of my transitional journey. This exercise would also include what I felt I had to offer as a reflection of a healthy relationship of give and take.

I already know someone that I believe is everything I could want in a friend and a lover. When we first met, we were both married and both vulnerable to the affair that resulted. Over 2 years later, her pull on me energetically is as strong as the first day we met. There was an unconditional love and intimacy that we shared that I had never known, even before my marriage.

I have tried to quit her, to forget her, to no avail. I ask myself why I would deny myself such love and care even another day? It is mere speculation until that day when we are both completely available and ready to experience our connection from an everyday perspective of reality. If and when that day arrives, I will be there with bells on.

The Dr. Harley web site (marriagebuilders) first came to my attention back in 1997 - he wrote the book, "His Needs, Her Needs" about why affairs happen and how to affair proof your marriage. I was unable to implement his advice with Laurie and many years later, I ultimately succumbed to temptation after 19 years of fidelity. Melding his approach to relationships along with sacred sexuality would be a potent combination, I am sure.

I am older and wiser these days - at least I believe that to be true - and the chance to build a new relationship from the ground up with someone that wants to be with me unconditionally is something to look forward to.

For now, it is my season of solitude and withdrawal, seeking divine guidance for what the future might bring. I no longer feel any obligation to Laurie to continue an arrangement that includes distance, abstinance, lack of affection, the absence of heartfelt feelings and unmet needs.

I am encouraged in therapy to not jump into anything too quickly - that I am best served to continue this season of solitude without a relationship. And clearly, I can see that I am still going through a drying out period of withdrawal for many reasons.

I also realize that my season of solitude with Laurie started along time ago and the last 2 years have been a wilderness journey of incredible spiritual depth.

I can already see a Spring time blooming after this Winter of discontent. It is time to move on - time to love and be loved - time to say yes to life - time to follow my dreams wherever they take me.

Seeds planted have germinated and tender shoots are pushing up in search of the sun's nourishing rays. It is a time of growth and flowers that will bear much fruit in season.