In the second and third exchanges, I have discovered just how vital and real my attitude is towards GH, in terms of real and observable effects upon his emotional/mental person.

Put all touching aside, all words aside: my attitude towards him affects how I see him, how he responds to me, how I touch him, how I speak to him.

This should already be obvious but what I hope to point out about what I am learning is that attitude is somehow translated in the ether almost instantaneously on a very palpable emotional level. It would be cool to be able to see biochemically what goes on between two people when the attitude changes.

Attitude is a proactive phenomenon.

Second exchange: we are staring into one another's eyes, breathing in through our hearts. My mind is busy. What I am thinking about affects my engagement with GH. I am awash in a whole range of emotions and judgements: boredom, acceptance, avoidance, guardedness, love, stubborness. At one point I feel like crying, maybe because I feel pinned down and this exercise confronts my desire to avoid intimacy with GH out of fear that my avoidance will be seen for what it is: not a valid aversion, just a simple stupid fear that seems to be guiding all actions. At moments I look at him and see his face as a child. I am not attracted to this. I am also aware that I may look haggard or drained. I am aware that he is accepting of all of my faces, to my bewilderment. Clearly then, this struggle has more to do with my inability to accept my many faces.

At one point I realize that it is how I regard him that supports him more than words or physical contact. I begin to get over self-consciousness and regard him first with appreciation. I regard him as a MAN. Almost immediately, his posture straightens and he breathes in more deeply, becomes more confident. My awareness moves to both of us as a unit, a current of energy. The broad focus starts to stabilize, and it is no longer about him and I, about my judgements or fears. All of these things can be held and contained in this broader awareness. And for once we are just two humans holding hands, staring into each other's eyes. If for just a fleeting few seconds, we have found a crack in awareness, in which we can bask unencumbered. It is this EXPERIENCE that is the basis for our understanding of potential. We may rest in the knowledge that such peace can and does exist on a plane we choose not to actively access most of the time. Yet, it is there for the having.

Exchange three: Much easier, the eyes are closed. We are circulating our chi through our system, from the sacrum up the back, around the front and into the navel. This exercise is pretty easy for me, as I have some background and practice in this meditation. Again, I notice that what I exprience is based off of my attitude or the scope of my awareness. When my focus is on myself, we are having separate experiences even as we hold hands. When I broaden my awareness, I can sense not only my energy flowing but also his at once, and for a split second notions of "me" and "him" are able to dissolve, allowing the current of energy to flow more freely.