This from my notes last night when I woke up:

"Have found or made no time or space here to write, tho I have felt the need many times. Now it seems this strange dream will end this journal.

I had fallen asleep a little sad and confused after a conversation with Goldenheart about his energy - how I perceived the energy behind his touch as 'dwelling'. We talked about my aversion to his touch, muscle memeory, somatic association, the presence of the past, the inability to refresh, my useless need for security by way of measuring a man up to how he may perform in the future. Things I am reckoning with. Perhaps all ego stuff on my part, but present nonetheless. The conversation followed an attempt at one of the exchanges we had done aimed at rewiring mating behavior and replacing it with bonding behavior, which had ended in me describing to him verbally what kind of energy i liked. A ridiculous situation not terribly passionate the details of which I will kindly spare you.

When I fell asleep I had the following dream:

There was a woman I may have been living with, an older desperate woman (a reflection of how I view myself?). She looked like Ellen, an elegant, indipendent, and fiesty older lady and mother of two girls who used to live in Silver and now lives in Portland. In this dream, she was living in a house in the Southwest, an adobe house, and I was somehow living with her. She had a son as well. It seems she was sleeping with her son and also had other lovers.

I was lying in this house on my bed with Hydrostud, and he had an erotic urgency that I could see consuming him. He was wanting to sleep with me. Part of me wanted to because I was attracted to his intensity. While I was turned on, I knew I didin't want tot get latched into his energy either, so I ***** WARNING ***** EXPLICIT CONTENT TO FOLLOW **** IF YOU HAPPEN TO BE A LONELY MAN PRONE TO SLAVENLY TENDENCIES, LOOK DEEPLY WITHIN YOURSELF, GATHER STRENGTH, AND PROCEED, NOTHING WILL BE MUCH STRANGER THAN ANYTHING YOU HAVE NOT ALREADY ENCOUNTERED. TAKE HEART, KIND FRIEND, MAY THE FORCES BE WITH YOU ***** WARNING ****** FOR THOSE OF YOU STILL INTERESTED, THE FOLLOWING CONTENT, THOUGH SEXUAL IN NATURE, IS ACTUALLY FAIRLY DISTURBING AND MAY NOT GIVE YOU THE ENDING YOU HAD ANTICIPATED ****** gave him a handjob and he eventually came all over the place ( and other such details ). I flipped the bedspread over so that it would not be obvious to Goldenheart, tho I sensed that this was a futile gesture.

It then happened that Ellen was in her bedroom getting it on with someone. Hydrostud and I could hear the sounds and he eventually made his way over there. Ellen was a free-for-all. The energy coming from her bed was twisted and dark - it was not clear if she was being raped or enjoying herself. Sounds of seeming pleasure came from her mouth, but they were also sounds of demanding insatiability: she simply could not get enough. Hydrostud was happily servicing her. He then came to my bed, clearly still turned on and waiting his turn for another go. This whole time I had been thinking what a stud he was, what great stamina he had. My "groin" (I know there are sexier terms out there, but bear with me folks, i'm trying to make sure none of our princes get overly thrilled by the rather gruesome content of the events that were soon to follow. I resume . . . . ) was on fire and I was suspended on the cliff of an orgasm, even as part of me had no interest in the actual feeling behind any of it. I started to touch myself but then a voice very distinctly told me I could stop and I did (I don't recall it sounded at all like Marnia, perhaps it was a commanding and lucid Taoist sage's voice).

Another man came to Ellen and Hydrostud was watching the whole thing. He was amazed at the size of the man's "member."

Then a black man with dreadlocks showed up, the ultimate stud **** APOLOGIES IF ANYTHING APPEARS RACIST IN THE FOLLOWING DETAILS ****** He had power and finesse, and could play deep throbbing beats on his sound system. Perhaps he was her pimp? (I hadn't realized my subconscious was this cheezy or predictable, bear with me folks) It was clear, he was a man. After having sex with Ellen, he started playing some deep beats. Each beat was a lure to Hydrostud that this was his turn. A black tar started to ooze from the man. It kept pulling at Hydrostud and his desire for another turn.

I was standing there and telepathically told Hydrostud "No." I had some strength because I had overcome it myself. He then did an amazing thing. He managed to gather up all of his strength and sucked up the tar, which melted into a huge black ball, almost consuming him, which he then hurled away from himself with all his might (and he was a man, allright, you should have been there to see it, folks).

I then found myself wearing a dress of hide. I went to Ellen and her eyes were red and a little crazy, but still very green. I looked her square in the eye and said that I had something important to tell her. She was shy and still wild, for she knew what I knew about her, but I looked at her with no judgement at all.

Then she smiled and pointed at my dress and she said, 'Did yo know your dress is made of raindeer hide?' I looked down at the dress and saw that it still had fur on it, which had been left in places, near the collar mostly, in an elegant design.

I coudl see each hair vibrating delicately with life in the sunlight. I could not believe I was wearing such a dress. She asked me where I got it and I said, 'My mother gave it to me.'

Then I told her that I had given the message to Hydrostud to say No and he had hurled the ball of tar away.