My life is now in transition in a lot of ways.

I decided to leave the area for a few months to so some traveling and other things. There are various arguable reasons behind this. I'm sick of the city, want to see friends, want to avoid the Boston winter... I failed to get admitted to J's co-op, so I was looking at a lot of trips back and forth in the bitter cold and dark. But I'll try to be honest with myself. Maybe this is really about restlessness, and bolting from my life and relationship. In any case, it's now a week until I go, and I feel both sad to go, but still unwilling to stay.

This relationship has been (continues to be) the best of my life. I could say so many wonderful things about it, which I lack the imagination right now to say. It did get stymied in a few places. First, there was, at least in my mind, a kind of lifestyle clash where he is still a college student, while I'm over that and looking to move out in the world. That is probably not an actual problem, but more my own neurosis in thinking that he will be too busy, or not interesting enough, or maybe that he won't understand where I am coming from, or some kind of strange paranoia that he will remain a student permanently.

The second place it got stymied was that he lacked motivation to get past the 2-week mark. Eventually, this left me feeling like I was the only one with any problem with doing things in a conventional way. I frequently felt in danger of seeming like I was imposing something on him. On the other hand, I was challenged to avoid orgasm myself in the face of his lack of participation.

I didn't actually get on the orgasmic celibacy boat because I thought I was chronically failing at relationships (I probably was, but my record was still short enough to ignore). I tried it out of intellectual curiosity, and a desire to see if it would help my feeling of sexual frustration. It did in fact help, which was why I stayed on. So it's a lifestyle choice I think I would make regardless...in the end. But more on what has been happening.

J started classes. I moved out of my own house temporarily and crammed myself in with him in a tiny room with a dangerously high and railing-less loft and a roommate. Both of us lost sleep. We fought over where to put my stuff. I finished my year of service and felt vague panic about what I was going to do with my life. We faced imminent physical separation. Still, the tone was surprisingly optimistic overall. Then somewhere in there I got hit with a daunting wall of horniness. I had just discovered that I could, after all, have sex without experiencing pain, and part of me wanted to take full advantage of this. I was probably starting to PMS. I had dream orgasm. Then we both went, "what the hell" and went for it.

So, I felt horrible today. I slept for 2 hours in the afternoon, and was groggy as all hell, followed by restless and horny and generally miserable.

Umm, I feel better now. Maybe it won't be too bad.