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Fri, 2008-10-10 05:26 — Ltmobley
Hi, about an hour ago I decided that I can't just fight this addiction by myself and that I need others to talk to that are in the same situation that I am in. I've been masterbating and looking at porn at least once a day since the age of about 13 or 14. I'm now 24 and I'm engaged to a wonderful girl that just means everything to me, but I'm tired of having to hide and sneak around to be able to satisfy my urges. One would think that if I get a sexual urge I would just tell my fiance and not turn to a video of someone I don't even know to satisfy it instead. I hate how when I do look at the porn and I jerkoff that instead of feeling satisfied I then feel empty and in a way I think to myself why did I just do that? I'm hoping that by reading the stories and listening to the struggles of other addicts I will be able to gain some control over this temptation and also gain some self respect in the process.
Hiya!
Welcome. At least you realize you're on a collision course...that's a good sign. Thanks for wanting to dump the habit before you team up with your goddess.
However, this is a peculiar site, which you'll see if you read some of the articles. It's about learning a whole new way of making love...which you may not be *quite* ready to take on board.
It would be good to read the stuff on porn addiction, though, so you can see what you're up against in terms of brain chemistry. http://www.reuniting.info/resources/porn_masturbation_addiction
For some reason, I feel inspired to share this remark by a guy (now recovered):
You're enabled to start a blog if you prefer. Instructions here: http://www.reuniting.info/resources/bloggers
Let us know how you get on!
Welcome!
We're here for you, man!
I hope you won't mind a few questions and unsolicited suggestions from me. I assure you, I won't be offended if you choose to ignore them.
What I'm wondering is, have you talked to your fiance about your porn and masturbation habits?
I'll observe that it is an incredible blessing to be able to talk with your partner about anything without fear of rejection. And conversely, if there are things you can't talk about now, it's not going to get any easier later on.
Of course 99+% of men masturbate (a lot after marriage, too), and a lot of men have a porn habit, so I would hope and expect that your fiance would show some understanding and not beat you up about it. Furthermore, if you have resolved to "cut back" on porn and masturbation for her, she should find that quite sweet of you
. (I'd suggest you don't say that you are giving it up entirely, just in case you should happen to slip at some point.)
If you have good, trusting, open communication with your fiance, and if you relax about the quitting process (don't be too hard on yourself over any slips that might happen), I predict you'll find it fairly easy to quit. You might find some of the bonding behaviors at http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/bonding_magic comforting. Also check out the thread at http://www.reuniting.info/node/1561 for more suggestions.
Good luck!
Thanks guys
To answer curiousfellow's question; yes I have talked to my fiancé and she feels that when I look at porn it is because she us not attractive to me anymore and she feels degraded. In a way I feel bad too after just feeling off to some unknown couple having sex. Before I to searching for some porn I almost feel like I have to, but then once I have satisfied myself I ask myself "Why?" and the only answer I ever recieve is "I don't know." I was also raised Christian and have always felt that this is wrong because of my beliefs. I've made a lot of mistakes over the past few years and I'm trying to start a new life. I want to have a family and be able to support them so I've just started going to college fulltime. I've started going to church again and want to become a better Christian. My biggest problem has always been my sex drive. I've even looked into getting medications to lower it to a more controllable level.
I know that masterbation by itself is not a bad thing but in combination with porn I feel is not right, and at the moment the porn has just been such a huge factor in my life. When I do masturbate I want to be able to visualize my fiancé and not some another women who I may not even have a name for. So far I'm on day two, and the past years the farthest I've been able to go without porn has been maybe a week.
I'm sorry you're in pain
You instincts are good, you're just stuck with a brain pathway that has a deep "groove" in it. It's hard to explain, but this is not necessarily reflecting your authentic libido. By that I mean that you won't know what your authentic libido is until you unhook from the cycle of seeking relief, which brings its own hangover of anxiety...and a need for more relief. I know this flies against everything you have believed about yourself, but give it some thought anyway. (See http://www.reuniting.info/science/surplus_sexual_energy)
If you can fix the idea in your mind that the challenge is just a brain chemistry challenge, and not a "Christian guilt" challenge, you'll do yourself a favor. Guilt makes the problem worse.
I wish women could understand that porn use is s not about *their* attractiveness, and that masturbation to porn is really just like seeking a hit of a drug (at a brain level). But it's hard for us women, because humans naturally *do* habituate to their lovers if they don't learn another approach to lovemaking...so women are very sensitive to losing their partners to "the next hot babe." Have you read this? http://www.reuniting.info/science/coolidge_effect
This is what your sweetheart fears.
Almost day three.
So far it's been ok. A few temptations here and there, and my iPhone isn't helping at all.
When I was refering to my high libido I didn't really mean my high need for porn, but more so my tendance to look at other women. If I just happen to see another woman that is attractive to me either just passing by me on the street, or if it's an actress or just some random woman on TV, fantasies are immediately being created in my mind with them. With my religious beliefs it's not a bad thing if they do enter your mind, but it becomes a sin when you dwell on them. It seems that I cannot even leave the house without seeing an attractive woman. At times I even try to avoid looking around while walking to and from classes on my college campus and just stare at the ground. Also, masturbating as a Christian isn't a sin, but thinking of a woman other than your wife is.
I want to thank those that have posted so far and also thank you for your support. I do feel that coming here and talking about this has been helping a lot.
Hi and welcome
Jesus once said, "if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out." He clearly didn't mean go pluck out your eye, but I think he meant we should avoid, in addition to sin itself, things that lead toward it. Marnia has a good argument for why masturbation, even if you're thinking of your wife at the time, may make you more likely to want to look at porn and other women in the future.
Actually, different branches of Christianity differ on whether or not masturbation in sinful in itself. I don't think it helps much to consider it "sinful," but it's possible to examine its effect on you and see whether or not it's a good use of your energy.
Glad you're doing well
It's a tough challenge. Unfortunately, the sin doctrine doesn't line up so well with the biological program that pushes partners toward habituation.