Hello all -

A brief update to let you know that I have had some lovely and positive experiences in stillness with GH (he is here visiting, tomorrow he leaves) - a continuation of where we had started.

We were at the waterfall lying in the sun after an hour of Chi Kung. Again, the sparkling sand, as it had been on the beach a few weeks back, glistened and spoke of the day's purity. We connected with him sitting on the ground and me in his lap, not moving at all, breathing in synch, listening to one another's hearts, and sometimes into one another's eyes.

I can only say that this is a from of lovemaking that is wholly foreign to me - very soothing, affirming, but also quiet, not wild. What I seem to miss most about hot sex is being compelled to make a lot of noise. This sex doesn't even feel sexy or sexual to me, it feels like a whole body connection that has nothing to do with procreation, status, proving anything. It barely feels human. I don't even feel much like a woman while doing it, per se, because there's very little doing or receiving, its like man and woman are on such an even keel, we begin to forget who is who. Just stillness. It's like we are a part of nature, nothing special - not lovers or partners - just breathing beings of some kind in harmony and so unselfconscious we almost dissolve into the rushing of water and the sunlight and the swaying of the grasses on the hillside. Very strange, very beautiful, very mysterious and also so simple I can hardly grock it.

I've also been watching my lizard brain. It doesn't have command, but I recognize it more. I notice myself looking at GH and even while there are ways that I don't feel like a partner to him, the lizardwoman in me is eyeballing his cheeckbones, his healthy torso, his big eyes, imaganing babies with him, licking her lips.

I'm a day before ovulation, and I've been out here at the ranch, which invariably means letting go of any and all unnecessary articles of clothing - so, no underwear. Today I was walking around and I could feel my wetness, could feel my body inviting things in, watched it getting quietly juicy for no apparent reason. A man can't see this. It's like I'm turned on by life. Being wet, walking in the creek barefoot, I could be far from any man and my body would still be sending off signals.

A friend of mine calls her absentmindedness PregnoBrain (she's five months along). I've got OvuBrain today. My fertility feels rampant, precarious. I'd be wise to stay away from GH's staff of light right now.