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Welcome to the "Habit to Harmony" Forum

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Sat, 2008-11-08 18:35 — Marnia

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Sun, 2009-09-13 17:20 — Btrueman
Btrueman's picture

% of Population that do not experience major drop after Orgasim

Thank you for your very insightful work. I have just come out of a relationship with a woman who had been celibate for more than 5 years. We had that intense pleasure to discover each other and lots of orgasmic sex. After a year, she started menopause. Then, she also became very withdrawn after sex and looked at me with very different eyes. She ended the relationship after six months of going back and forth, deciding that I was no longer any good for her. My affection and regard for her did not drop off after we had sex. Hers did, very sharply. after the "honeymoon" year. What are the explainations for my feelings? Did my climax produce less of a dopamine high for me and thus be followed by much less of a drop off for me? I do not associate "conquest" and fertile sex with the pattern of male disinterest that you describe, that does not seem to be part of my personal cycle. In the wide variety of humankind, how many of us do not experience this biochemical emotional drop-off after orgasim, or experience it very mildly if at all. And I have not felt the kind of drug-like orgasim high that crosses over into other parts of my life and decreases my functionality that you have described as occuring in some peoples experiences. Since I am new to this forum, please recommend other posts with relevant comments, and thank you for your responses.

Sun, 2009-09-13 18:51 — Marnia
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Welcome to the forum

You ask good questions. And I'm very sorry about what happened in your relationship.

I never recognized the drop after my orgasms either...but I sure did pull away from partners, just as your sweetheart did! My husband didn't notice them either...but he drank heavily at those times. Hmmmm.....

I think men often don't see this effect because it can actually make you (and some women, too) hornier than ever when your dopamine drops - although you may feel especially turned on by novel potential partners. Low dopamine makes cues associated with "feeling good" draw your full attention, and send dopamine way high. You may feel like you have a monster libido, even though your neurochemistry hasn't fully restored itself.

You're actually seeking a form of "medication" via sex. (Other dopamine raising substances/activities, such as alcohol, gambling, risky behavior, junk food are also more attractive at this point in the cycle.)

We all suppose that "libido is libido, " but maybe you've noticed a difference between types of libido over the years. Sometimes you feel like the romantic lover, with all the time in the world. Usually a sign of inner balance. Other times you just want orgasm, and have no time for foreplay. That's often a sign that you're in hangover mode, seeking relief by using orgasm as a drug. (Mind you, the desire to seek daily intimacy is VERY healthy. More in a moment.)

The problem with seeking orgasm as medication, is that it can be a real turn-off to your partner (and make you hornier and hornier). You are using her as a fix, rather than participating in an exchange of mutual gifts with each other's best interest at heart. If you've ever had a lover who wanted more sex than you felt like delivering, you know what I'm talking about. You get the sense that you're not even a *person* in their eyes for that moment. You're merely an "orgasm opportunity." Eye-wink

Over time, this can build up strong feelings of habituation between partners. Typically the woman shuts down first, but I assure you that there are many couples in which this situation is reversed. And some of us have seen both phenomena. I'm sure menopause was a contributor, but this can happen at any age.

Our point is that biology is at work in creating emotional distance between partners...however it shows up. New partners mean more diverse genes (and immunity) in our offspring. This is what lovers are up against, whatever the particulars.

Remember, These genetic programs behind such gut feelings come from the primitive part of the brain which controls mating and loving feelings...at a subconscious level. Then we use our "big brains" to explain those gut feelings.

So, never mind what she said about her reasons for breaking up. You are correct when you said her feelings changed. The good news is that if she's willing to try again...there is a way to speak directly to her limbic system and outsmart it, reviving those loving feelings. See "The Lazy Way to Stay in Love." http://www.reuniting.info/lazy_way_to_stay_in_love

But you would be wise to combine these tactics with a minimum of orgasms unless you want to set off the same habituation. (Gentle intercourse without orgasm is fine, though.)

Since Poet said it was helpful for him, I'll repeat some other remarks I shared here:

our thought is that the cycle after orgasm is similar to a menstrual cycle in the sense that it's an actual biological program.

A menstrual cycle is generally 28 days, but some women suffer from PMS always, others never, others now and then. Same thing with the orgasm cycle. It's there...and we know for sure that it lasts for at least 7 days in men, and for 15 days in both males and females of another mammal. But we don't know exactly which neurochemical dominoes are involved. And the experience of those going through it can be quite different.

Depending upon what else is going on, how many bonding behaviors the couple uses to soothe their nervous systems, what *kind* of sex they have (intercourse has been shown to be more relaxing than oral sex or masturbation over the days following), how sensitive they are to particular neurochemicals, etc., the hangover will look different. In fact, I'd venture to say that no two hangovers are identical...but then my period was never regular either.

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