as a woman, I can tell you that "unusual" can be quite attractive. And you have admitted that goddesses find you cute. So I think you might be inventing a problem you don't have.

My ex was a beautiful, beautiful man, and trust me... he loved pornography as much as any man here.

On the other hand, I've had a huge crush on a certain someone for about a year and a half now, and honestly, he is not what I would call physically attractive. But you know, he definitely ACTS like he is, which is part of what I find so appealing about him. Incidentally, I've also heard him denounce pornography once or twice, so maybe that scored him a couple extra points.

He lives about as far away from me as possible to still be called an American. *big sigh* I probably shouldn't say this, but that might also be what makes him particularly appealing. Still, he has been fun to flirt with and daydream about occasionally, even though the distance and impractical aspects can make me feel a little crazy sometimes!

I can testify, though, to the fact that my taste in men has definitely evolved over the last few years since beginning my (temporary) celibacy, and most especially the last few months. A pretty face means so much less to me than it used to. I can find something attractive about almost everyone I meet, and it's more likely to be related to intellect, sense of humor, or a positive, confident attitude than anything else.

definitely clears vision. Funny how it all works from within.

He's a lucky guy...wherever he is, Discordia.

And, you, Asher, get cracking! What happened to your promise, man???

I agree wholeheartedly with Jørgen - its the quality of someone's presence in the now that allows them to access their True Nature and become the beauty that they are. I've seen these changes in myself as well as in other lovers. When I am living a life of embodiment, inspiration, and generosity, when I am listening closely to my soul, when I am not seeking to prop myself up or manipulate in any way, when I am eating well and unselfconscious, I am beautiful physically because my spirit is nourished with what it considers real food. I am more and more convinced that it is what I do and how i do it and the quality of presence that I do it with, the motivation with which I do things, the intention behind my actions, that bestows me with vitality and beauty or insecurity and ugliness as the case may be.

I have been with some very sexy men, and I can't agree with Australia across the board that women don't care as much about looks as men do. We are very much visual creatures contrary to popular belief. But maybe we are just quicker to detect the real source of beauty that Jørgen describes. I think most women, go through a natural period in their younger years of going very much for the studly handsome type, only to realize just how ugly hot men can be. Its not that we don't like attractive men, its more that we soon realize we like being treated better even more, and usually we get treated better by a man who has self-respect. Many attractive people are narcissistic and have a sense of self-entitlement that is ruinous to their character. Self-indulgence is not the same thing as self-respect. So, while our biology very much tells us we should go for the hot stud, our spirit, the part of us that wants to do more with our life than compete in securing an alpha male, eventually wins out.

A question: how many people here feel that they have a soul? How many of you who believe that you have one are on a conscious spiritual path? How many of you are exploring your porn addiction in terms of the health of your soul?

Please forgive my forthright language here but it's how I feel. I have had enough of myself. I'm disgusted at how I can't seem to get past a few days of abstinence before giving in. I want stronger action.

Herbal experts: what herbs will reduce or temporarily eradicate sex desire?

Yoga experts: what postures will help me control sex drive?

Food experts: What foods should I avoid (I already heard about onions and garlic...any others)?

Getting rid of the i.net is not an option this time, I need it for work purposes. I will have to kill my sex desire. I'm not beating myself here. I'm just fed up...a different emotion.

In short, I want to kill or disable my sex drive for just 2 weeks so I can get through them. This is going to shock people but I have considered making a shallow cut on my member so that erections will be painful. That would DEFINITELY stop masturbation until the cut healed. (Don't worry I won't chop the thing off altogether...though sometimes lately I have felt like annihilating myself).

Marnia, I have days where I gain confidence and get very close to doing what you mention...in fact, just female companionship is all I would want at this stage. That would be best for me until this orgasm-obsession has cleared.

and apologise for the anger in my posts lately. I am just angry with myself. Life is so fleeting and beautiful and precious and I have been wasting so much of my seed and vital energy on porn that there isn't enough 'determination-force' left to really live that life. It's like I have come to a festival called 'human life' and I just spend much of it acting like an animal. And I don't want to create that sort of mind, if you believe in rebirth you will understand why!

Actually animals are better behaved. I don't see my cat masturbating! Or maybe she does it in private. Who knows.

...and this one seems to be doing it. I should not have 'promised' that I would date someone. I have some work to do on myself BEFORE I am ready to undertake this. Remember that no time limit was set on it, therefore waiting until I am truly prepared is justifiable.

It's not just about fear. Or about lack of self esteem. It's also about the risk of hurting someone. Imagine expressing interest in a girl and going through that whole dating thing. She might get attached more than I had intended to. Because unless she and I are really meant to be, it will end one day, thus causing hurt to one or both of us.

I think I should wait for my spiritual companion, who will manifest herself when I have worked on myself a bit more and am more whole. Anything less than that is surely deception, and if I already have a SC from previous lives that I am meant to meet up with again, then going with 'just anyone' to fill in time is like being unfaithful in a way.

I am open to the prospect of a woman in my life to grow and evolve with. That is a step in itself for me. But she and I should have a soul connection, and I have a feeling that I may already have someone from previously, and that I am always searching for her anyway (lately in totally the wrong way hey). And if I don't have a SC already and am thus 'free' as it were, I am still concerned about hurting someone. So please all go easy on the reminders I know you mean well but I really think that when I meet the one I am meant to be with, whether I have known her from previous times or not, that we will both simply know and that there won't be this doubt, it will just be a natural thing for us.

with your thinking, Asher. You seriously undervalue what you have to give...right now...even before you're "healed" in your own eyes. Just your supportive presence and sparkly smile would benefit the women in your life. Remember, they may not be in any better shape than you are. They may need to start small, too.

And here's the point. It doesn't matter if anyone's "perfect" yet. The beauty of generous interaction is that it benefits everyone, wherever they are in their healing. Affectionate contact isn't just for "perfect" people. It's the ideal "medicine" for everyone. (Besides, at another level, we're all sparks of the Divine, so equally perfect behind our disguises - and temporary imbalances.)

The other problem I (personally) have with what you're saying is that you think it's all up to you to come up with and execute The Plan for your life. And your plan is to get well and then find Miss Perfect. (I once had a similar plan, so I know that one well.) That may not be the Divine's plan for your life. (It wasn't for mine. )

The Divine may want to show you key insights that will require mutual interaction (and mutual benefit) with more than one partner. You may *never* get to your final companion if you aren't willing to learn the lessons you will need to master in order help *her* when you meet her. (Miss Perfect may not be in any better shape than you are at the moment...sad, but true.) This doesn't mean *using* interim goddesses. It means being willing to *give* to whoever is on your path...without trying to figure out the future. It means trusting the Divine to look after *all* of you. I promise you that if your focus is on generous interaction, you will only help the other person...and events will move you both to your next phases if that is part of The Plan. You don't have to work it out in advance.

I guess I see the suffering you guys go through very differently from how you do. I see it as a way you have chosen to become compassionate teachers. By learning how healthy interaction heals and soothes, you will have an important key for easing others' misery.

Bottom line: If overcoming your isolation is *the key* for your healing (and it may well be), then how are you going to heal first, and *then* interact? If you keep refusing to master step one using one rationalization or another, how will you get to step two?

Jkasali, I totally follow your logic. I'm just not sure logic is the way out of this box. Just for the heck of it, maybe try reaching out with your focus on how you can brighten someone else's day, and see what it yields. You can always choose the path of trying on women like shoes in the future if that doesn't work.

Both of you...see what oxytocin (bonding behavior) can do for you before you follow your instincts. Your inner compasses may still be recalibrating...if you know what I'm saying.

A big hug,
Marnia

By the way, logical skills are great gifts, too. I think you have a wonderful mind.

I can see your point, Marnia. Yes ultimately we are all sparks of the Divine or, for non-religious folk, sparks of energy moving through the cosmos, and are of the same essence. I can see that waiting for 'the one' could be counter-productive and even illusory since we are all interconnected anyway...we can all be 'the one for now' if we agree to nurture each other and grow together for now.

Its more the other point. I see it every day, boy meets girl, they fall for each other, then one day break apart causing varying levels of pain. I can handle this pain because I have a wider perspective, not because I am very wise but because I have other resources to fall back on (thanks for the encouraging remark Jk but I'm a long way from enlightenment, I have just been blessed with many good teachers. ). But the kind of women I am attracted to are tender creatures and I would not want to hurt them by leaving them. What if things did not work out from my perspective?

Despite all my misgivings I will get myself looking more presentable (I have been dressing like a tramp lately) and better groomed, and start hanging out at places where I could meet someone with similar interests to myself. I think that is the logical place to start.

Thanks to all for their encouragement. I resonate with the notion that rather than waiting until I am 'totally healed', (and when will that be? When all my delusions are gone?), that relationship itself can be a healing force in my life. This is an uncomfortable topic for me! But a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do . So I will keep going in the direction of connectedness.

i feel going away for 3 months next year to try and change myself is really going to work after reading some of the above posts. no work, so stress, just paradise, relaxation, socialising and finding some freedom within myself... good posts people

for sharing your progress and insights.