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Learning the hard way
I have been coming here for a while now and am not doing as well as I would like to. I said somewhere else that we get ourselves deluded so that we can then find our way out, thus living the process of enightenment. Well I have got my wish and am about as deluded as I have been for years, so far as my actions and choices go. (My ideals are fine, but they have to be put into practice to be of any use!)
I don't want any sympathy because I don't deserve it. I have access to all the knowledge here. There is no excuse anymore. Encouragement I welcome, and always appreciate the supportiveness of people here. But I am becoming indignant towards my own lack of self control between the hours of 10 pm and 1 am almost every night for the past week.
I have advised others but can't even advise myself. So to take the advice I gave someone else yesterday: I am going to just focus on this one day, to get through today with NO PORN. NONE AT ALL. Because 'just a quick look' is plain nonsense.
Special action tonight (if I can get myself to go through with it)? Take a strong herbal tea 'sleeping formula' around 8 pm. Dose this animal to the eyeballs with it and see what happens. Hopefully he will be heading for an early night. Maybe while I wait for it to take effect I should call a friend on the phone and just talk about life.
Once again no sympathy for this animal please, but I have to say in all honesty, the sadness I am feeling is just about the pits of what I have so far, so why would I want it to get even worse? Ok off to work for me, and wish me luck for tonight (need to do some animal training).
- Asher's blog
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Comments
goo luck asher...
... i know the feeling, 3 days in a row for me now, i am back to day one today, i too get the thought 'oh just a watch no masturbating' and obviously as soon as you start watching, the 'no masturbating' gets forgotten about completely, for me anyway. this may or may not be of any use to you here, but for someone who is an absolute expert in changing and achieving goals, is well worth a read mate, check it out asher and good luck...
http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2006/07/goal-planning-for-optimal-enjoy...
Try not to beat up on your beast, Asher
It doesn't know any better, and struggling *against* it might be strengthening your attachment to it. Can you mentally just "look" at it and wag your finger at it, and say,"Sorry, Beast, I know you're trying to help, but I want to try something new...just for today, so hush up!"
Could you try journaling between 10 and 1? Maybe pouring out your feelings would give you something to do. Could lead to some new songs, too.
Asher
Feeling your pain, man. Right now I am in withdrawal - I am on Day 3. I don't really feel good - plus, I am in a stressful situation right now, which surely doesn't help. Orgasm was my anxiolytic of choice. I interrupt the pattern as often as I can, and I am studying Binary Math right now - a subject I DREAD - just because I want to keep my mind occupied with confusing calculations. It seems to work, but again, those are patches. Not solutions.
I also discovered that not looking at porn is only partially effective. My demon is that I am an extremely visual person. You wouldn't imagine how detailed the images in my mind can be. I don't really need to look at porn with my eyes - I have it inside my brain. Sometimes even synesteshia kicks in, and it's really really hard. I assume that a lot of people are in the same situation, with various degrees of internal clarity.
By the way, self pity isn't going to do any good. Ok, you "deluded" yourself for years. So did I. So what? It's an addiction. Choice can get you only so far. Very few people go cold turkey and succeed immediately. We are bound to trip over and over until we see the light of freedom. My own mother "decided" to quit smoking in... 1989, I think. She still smokes half a pack a day. She tried to quit hundreds of times, but she wasn't really committed. If she was, she would have literally thrown out all the cigs at home, much like I did with my porn DVDs, instead of simply "hiding" them (yeah, right).
But ehy, tripping means that there's some motion, some intention at least. That's a lot. Keep going.
Sorry you're suffering
At least you now have even more respect for the power of your brain to learn and remember!
I know you know this, but it *will* get better...even if it gets *worse* from time to time during the withdrawal. So don't believe those little voices in your head, which can so easily persuade you that the situation is hopeless. Or that a peek will make you feel better...and won't hurt your recovery. Or that your situation is unique. (Even though we're all wonderfully unique in many ways!)
Even that visual "curse" that makes flashbacks so realistic is a huge gift in other areas of your life. Just thank it, and keep on plodding. Things will shift within weeks. And the world will grow brighter again.
*a big hug for you (and your recovering brethren)!*
Thanks Marnia
As usual, I really appreciate your comments.
I recognize that my situation is hardly unique. But luckily, I am not at the hopeless stage.. not yet. Hopefully I will never be!
The visual curse was a gift some years ago, actually. I wanted to be an illustrator, so go figure. I also used that to visualize goals, outcomes, and situations. It was the source of my creativity, until it was hijacked by the addiction.
The dark side of being a dreamer..
PS - I actually think that the addiction had indeed a positive intention - to shield myself from possible failure, which at that point of my life I considered very possible. I know it sounds absurd, but I am grateful for it. It probably saved me from something potentially worse.
Thanks for the hugs.
Thank you everyone
for your kind words of encouragement. It's ok Marnia my anger was wholesome last night as I decided to kill any chance of my indulging by not even turning the computer on. Anger can be channelled in a positive way. I may have found one important solution: Create a new routine. Morning time, when I am most positive, will be my time to go on the PC, including any work-related things that need attending to. Once the sun has gone down, the PC will go off for the REST OF THE DAY because even having it on at all is too much for me. Night time is my trigger-time. So, no more computing at night is a good start. (Maybe I should also wear garlic around my neck and avoid looking at the full moon at those times...).
So yes my better mind got ITS wish and I abstained for one night. But I can hear the voice of Yoda warning me not to be complacent: "Do not underestimate the Emperor! Use the Force you must!" So I need to keep my 'light-sabre' at the ready.
Marnia, I have tried being kind to the Beast many times before and there may be a time for this again, but right now I need the strength of sheer will and self-denial, to just imagine I am slaying the thing. There will be a time for a softer approach but not right now.
Jkasali: I am sure you can see a possible solution in what you said. You have the ability to visualize...there are lots of meditations that involve visualization, and specifically, to learn to control in a positive way what you see. You could use that same gift that seems to be enslaving you at present, to gain your freedom. Worth investigating.
Australia: I can't even have the PC on at all! Yes, "just a quick look" always dooms me for the night. The Primitive Brain is as slippery as a snake but then they do call it the 'reptilian' part of the brain, don't they...
Congratulations, Asher!
One night down. That new routine sounds like a great strategy. And give the damned beast a kick from me, too, while you're at it!
Halfway through 'day 3'
Well here I am! Went to a party yesterday and allowed myself to enjoy the harmless interaction with the women present (to my knowledge, all of them married, hence the 'harmless' interaction). There is one who I am not sure of, she could be single. She and I seem to have a connection. Sorry to bore you with all this but I am suddenly turned on by the prospect of interaction with real live women again. So my thoughts flow in that direction rather than to porn. Amazing. I will find out if that woman is single or not. Significantly, I find her attractive because of the totality of mind, body and spirit, rather than some postcard-like stereotypical appearance. So the insidious tendency of porn to undermine attraction on the basis of the odd blemish on the skin hasn't happened in my case. I'm much more interested in a woman's eyes than in her skin. The eyes are like windows into the heart, as well as alluring gateways into that soothing yet arousing softness, the beautiful Yin energy. Anyway not to make too big deal of this because it's more the revelation that is striking me, I have no idea if she would be suitable or even available!
Is this what you mean by Oxytocin's ability to 'fast-track' neural change? I know there is still a long road ahead but I feel different. Experiencing having one or two of the lovely ladies being a little attracted to me also has fired me up somewhat too. Now this is much better than sacrificing life-force and vitality at the altar of porn!
So I need to keep this momentum going. Marnia, I still can't say I agree with every one of your views, but must admit that you were right (again) about this being the way to go. The path appears to be through feelings and genuine relating with other people, rather than in isolation and just within myself (though I still believe 'single cultivation' is right for some individuals). Just not for me, I like chicks too much. So your work is paying off...your sometimes irritating coaxing of me to 'get out there' and seek out the company of real women is what I needed after all...(thank you for speaking the uncomfortable truth, which is looking less uncomfortable all of a sudden
).
Remember I am still lusty, just the direction (and quality) is changed. I still must not 'come' or I could 'fall' and lose my balance...
Wish me luck, if I could get involved with someone my life could go from zero to 100 I think...It's been so long since I made love that my being is definitely longing for it. It's high time I had an 'ecstatic exchange'...
I can relate, too
Asher, I like your description of how 'real women' channel your thoughts to a different end than porn, getting off, and emptiness.
I realize this post is over a week old, but I just wanted to comment that the times i've struggled the worst with porn addiction is when I just have a very poor view of women at the forefront of my mind...
in late october I had a surprising relationship spring up, and the girl essentially used me, and left me for another; leaving me with a lot of crushed hope, and some hard realities to face... on my own.
after that, I was so embittered, just totally pissed at her, and what she did to me; I didn't have any problem consuming *lots* of porn at that time. I had almost no convictions about it, because the image of a woman in my mind was tarnished through the pain of that experiance. it wasn't healthy, and I'm not proud, but later I realized that is why i started using porn again... and shamelessly.
what you've shared is essentially the opposite. and that is encouraging to me... that perhaps good relationships with women (not even sexual), can be a path towards healing. Thanks for sharing!
We women
can do a lot to help or hurt the situation, when it comes to strong, happy men.
However, for the last few decades, we've all been told that if everyone just had more orgasms, and demanded that their rocks be got off as often as possible
, we'd all feel better.
In fact, that just leaves everyone with a sense of lack, which means no one has the energy or desire to engage in the behaviors that actually bond and nurture us the best. http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/bonding_magic
It was a noble experiment, but it's time to rethink it...and start taking better care of each other (IMHO).
Thanks for being willing to love women again. That's a great first step. The second step is to educate one on how to care for you (and herself) properly. That may be a bit more challenging....
It's fun hearing
your good news.
Actually, I was just mirroring back to you what you told us you needed.
Isn't it amazing how we can all overlook the most obvious course for us pair-bonding mammals...that is, contact with potential mates (and other friendly interaction)?
Why you should never smile at a crocodile
What follows is an (edited for the sake of human decency) transcript of a conversation that was held about a week or so ago between Mr P.Brain and myself, at around 10 o'clock at night.
PB: I'm not feeling too good.
Me: Oh no not again!
PB: Yes, it's lust damn it. I need to O. Please.
Me: I knew this moment would come. My Wisdom faculty says, it is precisely at this moment that real letting go can occur, when lust is present in the mind. I really should stick to my plan.
PB: Four days is pretty good though! I mean, that's one day better than the last round of abstinence. Just go it one more time. You will feel real good if you do.
Me: It's delusion! It's not real life! I shouldn't do it!
PB: But you like it, don't you?
Me: Argh!
PB: Just one more time.
Me: I've heard that before.
PB: But this time I really mean it.
Me: Bullshit. Every time I go at it 'one last time' it actually makes it just that little harder to give up, not easier.
PB: Ok. How about this: one more really ecstatic time, drawn out and long, really get all the pleasure you are craving for, then you can let it go. This can really really be the last time.
Me: Ok...I shouldn't but...
PB: Goody. Let's go!
(Much later that night...)
PB: I told you it would feel great.
Me: But it's illusory, temporary, I feel drained of energy and I've failed.
PB: Who cares? I'm tired. Goodnight!
Next time..
..just kick his ass out of your mind.
Just kidding. I know it isn't that easy. Have you tried visualizations, interruptions, keeping your mind occupied with something else? Something requiring concentration. It won't work with routine work because your mind wanders while you perform repetitive and well-known tasks, and you would think about smut, sooner or later. Meditation works only if you are already very well grounded. If you are not, your mind may wander anyway. Our minds are smarter than us, aren't they?
I found very beneficial doing an activity which keeps me in the present moment and avoids daydreaming and internal chit-chat. Works for me. I usually draw, write, play chess, program and stuff like that. Internal dialogue may be neutralized with music.
Good suggestions
That book I read on healing compulsions said the same thing. You must give your chosen alternative activity *rapt attention* if you want to strengthen that new path way. Our brains may be plastic, but they're tough plastic!
PS Could you copy your post to that other thread, too? Thanks.
What's the book?
I want to build a personal library on the topic.
Glad to know that what I realized through observation and common sense has some scientific basis as well. Actually, I remember an audio course I listened to once - my best guess is Tony Robbins, but I may be wrong - which made the comparison between the brain and a piano: you need to calibrate the strings regularly, or else the piano will lose its tune, but you need to do it every day just at the beginning. Then you can loosen up a bit and do it just every other day, then every month, then every year, then every (number) years.
Heck, even Michael Jordan practiced every single day, even when he was already the best NBA player. Ditto for almost every other successful musician/artist/sportsman/achiever.
I noticed it recently. The first day I used visualizations I had to concentrate hard to overwrite the images in my mind. Today I am on Day 5 (unless we count the unvolontary orgasm I had on Day 3) and I noticed that it happens almost automatically - at least for well known movies/images.
Marnia, sure I can copy the post to the other thread. Which one? The Visualization one?
Yes, the visualization one
The book is "The Mind and the Brain" by Jeffrey Schwartz, but it's heavy on philosophy. I think maybe his earlier books on the subject (Obsessive-compulsive disorder) might have more practical detail about his method. There a good bit of the method in this book, but it's scattered around, and he's talking *about* it, rather than laying it out.
Very good to hear of your progress. As soon as I read his book, I just *knew* this could really help you guys with porn compulsions too. Both challenges involve brain circuitry that's tapping out faulty, unhelpful messages. His technique (which is really yours, too) lets you rewire. It takes intense concentration at first, but gets easier, just as you are observing. That's how the brain learns.
*giggle*
Believe me...that part of the brain has an endless supply of equally convincing rationalizations. I really feel for you guys.
Hugs,
M
The moral of the story
was that as soon as I even entertained any dialogue whatsoever with my 'addictive mind' I was already more or less doomed. No point talking with it! Next time I will take that suggestion: without thinking about the matter any further, go directly to another, positive activity, and give it my rapt attention.
I have to disconnect from the Net and have my PC stored somewhere again. I will see you all as regularly as is practicable. It will be from the local library again. I have to do this now, in the daylight, when I know in my heart how dangerous this addiction could become, how when I go online into the 'zone' I compromise principles of human dignity that I hold very dear. Human beings should never be degraded in the ways that pornographers portray. So while I am in a sattvic state of mind, and not in tamas, I will do what I must.
Blessings everyone, or for non-religious folk, may the highest human potential be made manifest in us all.
Asher.
Good Luck, Asher
I envy your courage and resolution. Keep fighting!
Good luck
We'll be thinking of you.
xx--M