Day 3a - Desperation & Action

Submitted by Jkasali on Thu, 2008-12-04 13:55
Community topics: 
porn masturbation addiction

Well, that's it guys/gals. I have officially reached the lowest point of depression today. Luckily enough it didn't last much, but for a while I truly felt an icy sliver of desperation sliding through my spine.

And I think I even know why. I plead guilty, I relented and watched porn. Not much, actually. Just a bit. But apparently enough. Almost without conscious control, my hands went down there.

But this time I knew better, and I stopped at least a couple of minutes before I could orgasm.

The subsequent 3 hours were a nightmare. Usually my self-loving sessions weren't really satisfying, but now I discovered that an unfinished session is 1000% more unstasfying. I felt a pressure, physical and psychological, which is hard to describe. Sense of hopelessness, images of failure, losing control. The incredible sadness of having to resort to myself to relieve my healthy male urges.

Lame.

But now the storm has passed, and frankly that was thanks to Reuniting. Reading some posts and some comments really lifted my spirit. Well, that and a cold shower I took. (really!) smiley

So, in the end I didn't have an orgasm. As Asher said in a previous comment, day by day.. today has passed, and I survived. My goal is 11 days, right now. Then, it will be 15 days.

So, I also make an announcement.. I took action and I signed up for a computer course. Ok, not that I need it, really. I've choosen a course only slightly challenging, which should complement what I already know without really pushing myself to hard. I've done it on purpose: it's just an excuse to GET OUT.

I start on December 15 which is, coincidentially, the last day of the 15 days challenge. It's 15 days in total , from 9 am to 17 pm. Half a day. I am surely not going to have an orgasm during the lessons (well, unless they are VERY interesting), so that should keep me safe for at least half a day for half a month. Hopefully in the evening I will be so tired that I will simply eat, read my mail, blog here and go to sleep.

I really look forward to report to you guys if and how de-isolation works in the context of our addiction.

I am out of practice, so I expect a total lack of social skills, saying the wrong things at the wrong times, invading other people's personal space inappropriately, and so on.

And since it's a computer course, the stereotype says that I shall find almost no women. That's good. That would be like taking your first driving lesson in a Lamborghini.

However it goes, it will be a learning experience.

Comments

Marnia's picture

Submitted by Marnia on Thu, 2008-12-04 14:18.

Very nice. And I'm picturing some clever goddesses in that class, just so you know. }smiley (If they show up, you'll know who sent them.)

Believe it or not, people may actually really find you *likable* by the time you take the class. *chuckle* You have a delightful sense of humor, wide-ranging interests, lots of talent, and a very bright mind. As soon as the anxiety begins to die down, I think you may surprise yourself. In any case, it will be a good healthy learning step, as you say.

And yeah, it's amazing how powerful those withdrawal symptoms can be. But notice that if you walk through them, they don't *last.* They are like an icy fog. There's sunshine on the other side.

Submitted by River on Thu, 2008-12-04 16:24.

That's great, taking decisive action. And I can totally relate to the 'lowest point' I have had a few of those...just emerged from one actually. Got to rush off for now, but keep up the good work. Where you put your mind, your attention, that will grow. So put it into positive things and you will do well. (I have to take this same advice!)

Asher.