Rebirth

Here we begin, with another attempt at recovery. I actually don't like the way that sounds, as it's a reminder of the many failed attempts that I've made in the past. During the last relapse, I was amazed at what was going on (less than an hour ago?). There I was engaging in the behavior with even more intensity than last time. Thinking, "how the hell am I going to undo this now?" There is always the feeling as if I'm subconsciously trying to dig myself in deeper, to the point of no return. This is typical of all my relapses thus far, as if my brain is trying to make up for short period of abstinence. I believe that is true, but I also believe, in someways, that it explains the nature of the compulsive part to all of this as well. Each time I engage in the behavior, there is a goal. A search for an definite answer to a question that doesn't have a a definite answer. Only ambiguous ones. The result is nothing but more confusion.

The anxiety reduction (or should I say "emotional numbing"), escapism, exploration of the forbidden, physical sensation, voyeurism involved, relief of boredom and loneliness.....sets off the reward circuitry too much and I can't tell if this search for the answer that doesn't exist is driving me, or this part of the brain. I believe it's a vicious wedlock of both and I want to hand them divorce papers.