I seem to have given up on my recovery for a few days. I seem to just can't "stop" something, without it like being on a Monday. Right now I am saying, "OK...just act out and do it til' Monday, then start the week fresh". It seems easier to track recovery that way. Might be boredom?
Yesterday sucked. I went out for the day with my father and my head was full of thoughts and analyzing each one. I've been spending a lot of time in a transsexual chat room, when I act out that is. Yesterday, I started to feel severe anxiety because I thought I was developing romantic/emotional feelings for transsexuals. Which is an obviously very confusing concept.
I try to rationalize why I spend time in those rooms. In a way, they are very much like women. But I also thought about the sincerity part of it. "women" online are always very anonymous and not very imaginative. Men hunt for women to engage in sexual activity with online and there is a WHOLE lot of them. Thus, a woman in a chat room can be as selective as she wishes. They also tent to not "get into it" as much as a tranny or a male does. Rather, they seem to prefer you do all the typing while they just throw in little "mmmm's" and "yes's" hear and there. Also, there is always the feeling of not having a connection with a real person. It's been well-established that most "women" in sex chat rooms are really men behind the screen name. So there is just a very void feeling when it comes to all of it.
I say things during online chats...I don't know if I really mean them. I think they could be my "ideas" and I am just "saying them" to see how it feels to do so. Like, yesterday I was freaking out that my attraction was becoming exclusive to transsexuals. So earlier today, I told a "transvestite" to be exact, that I like everything about women except for their vagina. I say that in "the zone", but later freak out and panic. As if I have set it in stone.
Earlier on, I went into a gay male room and just engaged in some sexually explicit chat. I told the other person that I was a "full on homo" and pretty soon full on cyber sex took place, but before ejaculation...I freak out, closed the window and tried desperately to find a heterosexual video.
So what does this mean? Am I a repressed homosexual who is fighting it and can't face the reality of it?
Yesterday, I was looking at a young girl in a store. I felt this "lack of feeling" and fear in me. As if I am doomed to ever be able to have a true relationship with a girl. For me to, I feel like I'd have to lie to her or hide. This website, the porn, the confusion, the research on sexual issues...it's basically become a major part of my life...and I just couldn't ever reveal it to a girl and be open about it. I DID do that with my last gf...it ended the relationship. She couldn't take being with somebody so obsessed. I had (common with OCD, so I read) this need to confess everything to hear. Telling her my feelings, about articles I read....she couldn't take it. I talked so much about it, I neglected her....I never asked her "how was your day" and to be honest, I really didn't even have interest in how her day was. I was too consumed with all of this.
It's so freaking in contradiction to my self image (at least I think...sometimes I feel like I have "homo" printed across my head" when I am in public and these thoughts are in my mind).
But on the flip side, I later saw another girl who "fit my time". Long black hair, all black clothes, tall black boots and fishnet stockings. She was looking at me too. I had the deer in headlights feeling...pretty sure she was interested in me, but she was with a guy who was most likely her boyfriend. I actually was tracking what isles she went down and found myself following and trying to run into them. I also had a feeling of the dominate male. How great it would feel for her to ditch him (a nerd in my eyes) in favor of me. Call me a nutcase, but I had a day dream of her and I meeting and her leaving me for him and then me beating him up for trying to win her back...lol.
That's pretty hetero, no?
I seem to be a person, that deals with fear by jumping into it. Rather than fear what's behind the door, I open it. These feelings of being gay cause me anxiety, yet I keep exploring that world...and I hate to say, I am aroused by the behavior...the secretiveness and I guess just the sex it's self.
I think I might be so scared by the thought of being gay, I attempt to become gay to deal with the anxiety. I just jump right into it and become what I fear....or am I just what I fear?
I do have the scary thought that what I might have is not sexual/porn addiction at all, but a hungry for a true desire and need. I think this is where the thoughts of actually engaging in real sexual activity with an anonymous guy is coming from. The concept of NSA sex, quick and easy with the risk of getting caught or having a shameful secret I think is arousing to me. But I think the overall urge to do it comes from me wanting an answer. To just get it over with. Maybe I will find it so repulsive and not right, I will know for certain I am straight and never want to do it every again. Also, the fear of "I might be gay" or "what if I actually do it and then later regret it", "what if I get a girlfriend and find myself wanting to do it and actually do" are too much. Like I might as well just DO it.
Yet I don't...so what does it mean. Is it not a true desire and something in my best interest? Or just repression and fear of being my true self?
Right now, I type and feel total disconnect to everything. There is just the words, screen and my fingers typing.
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Comments
Wake up!
Hi Conflict,
Reading your post it is very obvious to me the the lower false self influenced by the negative forces are running your life.
Although this whole lifestyle of exploring the ”dark side”can seem alluring at first and also contains its valuable life lessons, I believe the end result for most is one of emptiness and meaninglessness (it was for me).
I would like to suggest you to be as aware as possible through this whole experience of yours, so that you gain some beneficial insights during the process. Besides that and the suggestions I already shared with you I have nothing to ad.
Blessings
Jørgen
Well....
I wouldn't call it "The Dark Side". I know that side very well and yes, I agree that it contains many valuable life lessons.
The taboo, kinky, forbidden, subversive, transgressive, secretive, underground whatever you wish to call it world of sex is something different. Some would argue that no form of sex falls under any of those words...especially homosexual sex. I mean, the gay pride symbol is a rainbow after all. I think the above are keywords behind what drives me and the visuals they produce.
I mean, I've always found the world of sunshine and normality to be totally mundane and typical. It is too. Marian wrote something in an effect to how the Christian religion and their emphasis on what is forbidden and their forcing of guilt upon people, is actually producing a whole lot of sex addicts. I've always known this, just like I know certain laws create criminals. There are two sides to every coin and each one needs the other to co-exist.
Look at the system of the world. Go to school, get a job, get married, buy a home, have kids. Always be a nice happy person and "stay away" from those bad things. People work long hours at jobs they hate and that don't pay much. Then when they get home, they are too tired to eat healthy, so they eat plastic TV dinners or McDonalds (fast paced society, fast food).
It's a crummy, no frills existence. It's no wonder why porn is so popular and there is so much addiction. The modern world of materialism, commercialism and slavery.
I want to break these chains. I used to say Christians ran from reality by putting their hope and faith in a God. But now I see the material world, the world of flesh is just a damn wasteland.
I really do want to find a spiritual path, but I'm afraid it's far different from that of normal ones. I don't view the body as a temple or a gift from a higher power. I view it as a prison made of flesh and bone, enslaving us spiritually in this material world.....and I don't want to be a slave to the flesh or cheap porn or dependent on the physical side of other humans. I don't view the "creator" as something great, but a tyrant and I want to break the chains completely.
If people say by taking such a path is repression, fine. I don't care. Spiritual power and conviction can move mountains, being a zombie can't. I do believe in a force greater than us, certainly. I don't care what others say about that and if I am a sheep or follower by or that they are better for not believing in a "man made god". Cause everything they believe in from their ipod to the plastic food they eat is man made too.
Though I also note, I've always had a very dark view on all forms of sex. Seeing it as hurtful in some ways. Like for instance, I always dreaded hearing about and thinking about past sexual encounters and experiences of my ex-girlfriends and future ones as well.
It is interesting that it does have a dual effect. Equally arousing as it is hurtful and disturbing.
Just a thought
I'm not sure the "light/dark" thing is really all that meaningful.
I kind of like the Taoist idea that existence is like a flowing river. Sometimes choppy and challenging, sometimes smooth and peaceful. External rules are pretty much useless in negotiating that flow - because what "works" in one part of the river will tip your boat in another.
However, being able to tune in to improve alignment with the flow is *very* useful. This is where it becomes helpful to know which things throw you off center and make it harder to negotiate the rapids that are sometimes part of life, or to enjoy the calm waters, instead of finding them "boring and anxiety producing."
So some information is helpful. (I would argue that the helpful bits of information are those which allow us to remain centered, feel whole, and desire harmonious connections with others.) These are the ones that bring us into alignment with the flow.
In my view, it doesn't much pay to reject suggestions based on dogma (like because something is "religious"). It's good to find out which ones are helpful, and why - wherever they come from. Good ideas can come from anywhere, but it sounds like you reject a lot of them before you ever try them just because you don't like the source, or the "packaging." You could be missing some good stuff that way.
No one says you have to buy the whole package, just because one idea in it is worth keeping.
I disagree that we need the dark to find the light, or that we need both. I think the only dark is the dark we create by dimming our own vision, as a species. (How you dress is immaterial.) However, we can use dark experiences to motivate us to reach for something better. Sounds like part of you is definitely reaching. Keep going!
Freedom and Liberation
Hi Conflict,
Thank you for sharing your deeper viewpoints and insights.
I agree with you that the body or rather the body consciousness (also called the human consciousness) can be likened to living in a prison. As soon as you reach a point where you truly want to be free you realize this truth.
As I understand it God has created this ”prison/system” for us to learn and unfold in Spiritually as the Soul we are. When we have gained the needed/desired experiences in the lower world and we reach a point of Spiritual maturity, we are presented with opportunities to negotiate/liquidate our karma (various creations of our own making) and attain liberation and freedom through the realization our True Self (True Nature).
When we realize our True Self (True Nature) we are liberated permanently from the imprisoning effects by the lower false self, the human consciousness and the body. When we realize this level of Consciousness we are free from all outer influences permanenly and we are fully whole and fullfilled from within ourselves.
The state of Liberation is solely an inner ”experience” related to achieved level of Consciousness. In that state you can have or not have anything on the outer without it affecting you. You are totally free of all things, persons etc. influence upon you.
If true and permanent freedom and liberation is what you seek I recommend finding a Spiritual Path dealing with Self- and/or GOD-realization as they probably are the only ones able to assist you realize it. Such Paths always has a Living Master (also called Sat Guru) that already is Liberated and GOD-realized and therefore is bestowed with the power by the Divine to assist other Souls attain the same.
Besides the above Paths I believe that True Divine Union (lovemaking not sex) can be very helpful in the process of attaining Self- and GOD-realization (realizing our True Nature),
Blessings
Jørgen
PS
I would just add to what Jørgen said that a lot of people who believe themselves self-realized (and who are believed by their devotees to be self-realized) and who have a lot of spiritual insight to share with the world...may not, in fact, be "impervious" to using sex in the usual way even though they are firmly convinced that "they are now above all sexually related challenges."
Many gurus have claimed to have reached this special state where "anything goes," and many have ended up doing disgraceful things when they indulged in conventional sex. (The late Adi Da, for example, is said to have used his devotees to make porn movies in the 70s, and his followers firmly believe he was the most "realized" person on the planet.) Very few gurus have failed to abuse their power by seducing devotees - often secretly and exploitatively - even though their (other) devotees, upon learning the truth, will staunchly claim that the guru was "just teaching the one exploited with divinely inspired wisdom."
Edgar Cayce recorded that raising the kundalini energy is dangerous unless one has "crucified desire in oneself." Without this preparation, the results are unstable and the kundalini may inflame desires, rather than enhancing true spirituality. Cayce also points out that kundalini techniques are a means of attaining celibacy, rather than spiritual union. If the kundalini rises while desire is still afoot (which can be seen when it is used for pursuing orgasm), it just causes people to make bigger, more karmically costly errors with their sexual energy. http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/edgar_cayce_on_sex_and_the_tree_of_life
Lao Tzu also warns:
For more on gurus betraying the trust put in them in this area: http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/tantra_taoism_sexual_abuse_kundalini