Evening all

Submitted by Xerious on Fri, 2009-01-09 15:02
Community topics: 
porn masturbation addiction

Hope everyone is doing good on their road to a better way of living! smiley

My road is going well. I didnt see some curves so i drove off the road, but im back on.

I went to the SAA meeting yesterday. It's good to hear them speak about their problems. It brings me reassurance that one day, i will be in their shoes. One member is 18 years sober. That's amazing.

Is trying to find a balance between sex and my addiction wrong? I mean, i dont want to continue what i was doing. I want to enjoy my sexual relationship with my wife, but not make her feel like its only to take away my edge. Its scary to think that every time i make love to my wife, i could possibly revert back to my old self. The not orgasming part of this is very hard. It only gets me even more mad and i end up having a bad day. Im still so new to this that i dont know how to avoid goal driven foreplay. How do i not have a goal? smiley...

anyway, thanks for reading. smiley

Comments

Marnia's picture

Submitted by Marnia on Fri, 2009-01-09 16:27.

really well, and asking good questions.

I got a good giggle out of "missed some curves." smiley

It would be nice if there were a clear rule book that applies to everyone, but you'll have to work out what's best for you. That will take time.

In our case never making love with the goal of orgasm actually works. It took surprisingly little getting used to in our case because, from the start, we emphasized the bonding behaviors and the Exchanges (which start with two weeks of affectionate nightly exercises, with no intercourse). Although it *seems* like that should have left us hornier than ever, in fact, to my husband's amazement, the extreme horniness passed after about three days. And once he saw that he could feel calm and still very sexy *without intercourse,* sex without orgasm just seemed like "icing on the cake." smiley

He was finding the bonding behaviors, or the oxytocin they produce, or my cute self, or some combination of things both soothing and deeply satisfying. This astonished him. (I might add that he made this change "cold turkey," going from about 4 orgasms a week to zero...and didn't have another orgasm for 10 months or so.) No one could have been more surprised than he was.

Now, I know you've had your foot down on the accelerator a lot harder than he did, so your adjustment period might be longer. But don't be afraid to try something new...even though you're sure it's not for you in the long-term. Right now, while your reward circuitry is "all aquiver with the effects of overstimulation" would be the perfect time to try something new.

If you want to see what it feels like to make love without orgasm, here's a suggestion made by a man on this forum:

A program like the Exchanges isn’t appealing as a starting point. I can imagine a wife saying “Honey, let’s try this program, where we don’t make love for two weeks …” (at which moment the man feels like the room is starting to spin, and he grabs hold of a chair to hang on to) “and then we can make love but don’t have orgasms” (at which moment the man becomes stone deaf and catatonic). Instead, the experience could begin with the suggestion that the couple make love in the morning without orgasm (or getting close to orgasm), so he can see how he feels during the day. (If he tries this in the morning he won’t be anxious about getting to sleep afterward.)

I’m betting that most men will make the same astonishing, but pleasant, discovery that some of us other explorers have. I felt surprisingly normal a minute or two after getting out of bed. There was no feeling of desperately wanting an orgasm, nor did I feel particularly horny throughout the day. Instead I felt good. I had a nice afterglow feeling all day. Once a man experiences this for himself, he may be more willing to try the Exchanges.