My History, Who I Am, Why I'm Here: Part I - It Hit Me Hard Early!

Submitted by Tantra11 on Thu, 2009-01-15 23:34
Community topics: 
introduction
child psychology
lucid dreams
freud
cfs
strong sexual desire

I'm a 37-year-old single man who has a long history of experimentation with sexual alchemy with little success. Having found this site, I'm hopeful that the approach here might actually work for me, as I've definitely resonated with the idea of me being a slave to dopamine in many ways as well as other things. As you read what I hope doesn't become a long, self-absorbed treatise on my entire life, you might be able to help me as I start out on this new and exciting path. I also hope to bring my experiences to this community and help those who I'm able.

I'm into Zen, Chi Kung, natural healing, herbs, martial arts, Yoga, Tantra, meditation in general, shadow work, shamanism, computer programming, nature, and the teachings of David Deida.

The Very Beginning
I'd always loved women, fantasizing about them even before I knew a thing about sex, at age four or even before. I just felt a special tenderness toward female characters in the kid shows I watched, and since we lived in Japan when I was a kid, some of the shows were violent with women being tied up or kidnapped. Thus, until that fateful night in 7th grade, surrogate sex for me was kidnapping and tying women up. Fairly quickly, perhaps at age 5, I began to feel guilt at this, so I changed my fantasies to sometimes include rescuing them or having the Stockholm syndrome occur. I told myself it was okay as long as this kind of thing remained in the realm of fantasy. I bet you never imagine that five-year-olds have to deal with these issues!

Instant Addiction
It all started in 7th grade... that first orgasm. I felt something shift that night, subtle yet profound, and just about every night thereafter was a quest to attain once again that height of physical ecstasy. Once the circuitry turned on, I found myself lusting after girls all the time. I was consumed!

Unfortunately, I was a shy, good kid. Junior high wasn't so bad, but as high school wore on, the sexual frustration grew and grew. I had no girlfriend for all of high school, and this fact filled me with painful yearning and anger.

I liked porn, but thankfully, I don't seem to have an addictive personality. The impulses that lead to addiction are there but so are other countering forces, an awareness perhaps, the ability to step back and go, "Whoa... I'm going too far." Thus, as many of my friends started smoking, for example, I didn't get hooked. I tried it, unlike my nerdy peers who avoided it out of fear. I drank, experimented with pot, and yet kept straight-A's and my athletic performance.

It Came Out In Dreams
I'd always had lucid dreams off and on throughout childhood and into adolescence, but in high school, my growing sexual frustration led me to seek sex in lucid dreams, which led me to what I believe was a mistake. I broke something, a connection with my subconscious perhaps, or its trust. It happened because, due probably to my shyness and inability to approach women in real life, I chose to rape the women in my dreams, knowing no other way. I think my superconscious (or conscience) didn't like that and would end the dream as soon as I'd rip the woman's clothes off, despite my ego consciousness rationalizing it by saying they weren't real people. After this, for many years, my dreams lost all vividness, and the symbolism became almost meaningless and hard to decipher. They were almost always lucid to some degree, and I wouldn't become immersed, the dream always in danger of ending. Only rarely would they not be lucid, and then some of the old vividness and solidity would be there, though I think the symbolism remained obtuse and complicated.

Note: Later, I discovered David Deida's work, and this helped me understand that rape fantasy (and dreams) are just what happens when the masculine suppresses its natural urges to try and fit in with the new age ideals of gender neutrality. If I bring out my masculine urges in a healthy way, then this perversion will thankfully end. Thus, in addition to finding a girlfriend who'd engage in sexual alchemy and karezza with me, I'd also like her to be into developing a strong masculine/feminine dynamic. Is there a conflict? Is karezza incompatible? More on this in another blog entry.

True Love
Finally, once I got in college, I got a girlfriend. Our infatuation was so strong we moved in together right away, and for awhile, it seemed I'd finally found the good life. I'd struggled with depression in high school, working myself to death for my lofty ambitions, and the stress of moving across half the country where I had no friends yet, made me incredibly lonely. No outlet for my intense sexual desire other than masturbation just added to this difficult time. I felt emasculated without a girlfriend, being still a virgin. Then, not finding a major I liked, I felt stuck on a dead-end road... one I'd travelled on for years, struggling all the way. (I'd really pushed myself academically... hours of homework per night on top of my daily athletic training until I was nearly fallling on my feet... all four years of high school...)

However, getting this girlfriend and finally hitting upon a major I liked all came together at once... until it all fell apart. The years of burning the candle at both ends seemed to finally catch up with me, and I came down with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which has persisted to this day.

Conclusion
My purpose in going into such detail is just to give what might prove to be important background for what comes later, which eventually led me to find this site and consider it such a god-send.

I've seen one other person mention Adrenal Burnout, so perhaps my journey with this issue and the great lessons I've learned along the way may help others as well. Excessive masturbation might definitely be a part of it, as well as all the emotional stuff we do to ourselves.

I also hope that if others have experienced the other similar things I've described, we may be able to support each other there as well. Although parts of my story may be somewhat unique, I'm sure other parts are not, and are in fact, all too common in today's society. Our society is sick and needs a good fixing up, and I think the karezza alternative detailed on this site should definitely be a part of that. It might not be for everyone(e.g. some closeminded people, probably due to religious beliefs and others due to being content with normal, dopamine, animal-like sex), but it will go a long way toward healing the ills we and future generations face.

Much of this I've never shared before, having never felt that another would understand, but this group seems unique in its openness and dedication to the shadow work which I consider the true spiritual path. May we all support each other no matter what each individual's journey may be!

Comments

Submitted by CuriousFellow on Fri, 2009-01-16 00:36.

I just wanted to say, I read your whole story, found it interesting, and look forward to your future posts. Don't worry about "too much detail". I don't mind. smiley

Submitted by Amanju on Fri, 2009-01-16 07:06.

I do relate to the experiences you share although the the subjects I have worked with so far are a bit different. I also agree with you that shadow work is essential on the true Spiritual Path and that there are no way around it (although it can be hair-raising at times smiley.gif" alt="smiley"/>

I am happy to see another Soul dedicated to the practice of Divine Union (sacred sexuality)

Welcome

Marnia's picture

Submitted by Marnia on Fri, 2009-01-16 10:00.

the more I realize that I'm developing a theory about male sexuality. I have long realized that men are more "visual" on the whole. However, I actually am beginning to think that as kids you guys start out a bit like baby ducks. That is, you "imprint" any sexual associations particularly easily. Mind you, I'm sure there are women who have had intense experiences who experience similar effects, but in you guys it doesn't take much to link up sex with cues. Could just be your high levels of testosterone (which raise dopamine).

This must be part of our human genetic programming, which is fine. Except that it can leave you very vulnerable in today's overly stimulating media world. The result can easily be weird "accidents" of attraction.

I'm saying this so I can hear *your* thoughts on this. If it's true, it's a good reason to try to protect young kids from images of violent sex. And, more importantly, make sure they see a lot more images of healthy, loving bonding-style sex. Unfortunately, the latter doesn't get the dopamine going to the same extent...so it doesn't increase advertising/sales in the way sex and violence do.

One more thought: I have learned that when you take the goal of orgasm out of the loop to the extent possible, you can calm any association you had linked with it. This may seem like a tough cure, but with the karezza option, you don't have to give up *pleasure* or the *benefits of intimacy* to do that. So you don't give up as much as you think you do.

Tantra11, I'm sorry for your pain. This is a tough planet, as I often say, and particularly when it comes to intimate relationships. On the other hand, the current chaos could be The Divine Hand at work. Without the pain, none of us would be raising our sites to the point of even considering the benefits of such an unfamiliar way of making love.

I can't believe there are no goddesses around who would enjoy your company! smiley

Marnia's picture

Submitted by Marnia on Fri, 2009-01-16 10:06.

It's from this guy's work (a shrink who died some years back...and was once Freud's pupil in Austria): http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/von_urban_sex_perfection_and_marital_ha...

He explained our sexual needs in terms of bio-electrical energy from the opposite sex. (And who's to say he's wrong???)

The principle which operates here is the same as that observed in the marital relationship: the local relaxation of the sex organs through orgasm would diminish the body's tension less effectively than the expulsion of the bio-electricity from the whole body. That is the reason that the local irritation produced by masturbation brings depression and still greater tension in the wake of the few seconds of local satisfaction, the friction itself having served to produce a further charge of radiations, thus tensing the body's cells. Reasoning along these lines, it becomes clear that sexual intercourse, inadequately prepared for and of too brief duration, is nothing other than a form of masturbation, since it fails to take into account the necessary delivery of the whole body from its "overcharge."
page 100.

Bodily contact, without sex union, during the whole night, is relaxing, as it permits the different bio-electrical potential, from the two bodies, to flow towards each other and release tension. page 105.

I agreed that there is some contradiction in the rules at first. No one can relax completely and concentrate his attention upon his feelings if he has to change old and deep-rooted habits and restrain himself from the pleasure he is accustomed to. Under these conditions sex union cannot be entirely satisfactory. But, I pointed out, many other things that one learns to enjoy are no pleasure at first. There is not much joy in playing the piano so long as you must think what each finger must do. But once the finger muscles have been sufficiently exercised they do what they should without conscious direction, and piano playing then becomes both a pleasure for the performer and delight for the audience. It is the same in sex life.
I then went on to give George and Barbara a talk on sex perfection as an art, describing it as, perhaps, the most neglected and least understood art in our culture, but at the same time the most beautiful and far-reaching for human happiness. page 133.

But if such men exclaim that they knew all about the six rules [Von Urban suggested six rules for "sexual perfection"] long ago, then it obvious that they have not grasped what has been said about the most important part of sex intercourse, the mutual exchange of bio-electricity, which is more beautiful and more relaxing than ejaculation and orgasm, but yet still comparatively unknown in theory and practice among civilized nations. page 138.

I assured him that his work need not suffer, because a happy home life and a healthy sex life create such coordinated energy in a person, man or woman, that one is able to do a better day's work in less time. page 145.

Submitted by Tantra11 on Sat, 2009-01-17 01:14.

What is this "tension" Von Urban talks about? (I hear David Deida talk about it too.) Does every man (in the dopamine cycle) experience tension and orgasm as a release of tension? Is the tension just the same tension that any addict feels? Craving, in other words?

I ask because lately I've started to feel a different tension that's physical, muscular. It used to be just regular craving-type until last year or so. The regular craving-type has some somatic aspect, of course, but now it's different.

Re: Men imprinting like baby ducks. I'm not sure how much the violent children's shows imprinted me. Not that they had no effect, however, so I agree about trying to balance it with exposure to loving interactions. My feeling is that they were just one influence of many, one small thing in a giant web of influences upon my growing mind... and not really a negative one. Violent urges are just a part of the human psyche, especially the male psyche, and like the sexual urge, needs to be channelled correctly rather the suppressed.

My idea of what was attractive in women mostly developed after puberty. In fact, it's continuing to develop, and I've noticed a change in what I see as attractive occurring throughout my adult life. (I wish I had more control over it, as it seems to be heading toward more and more unattainable types. I'm hoping that oxytocin will turn that around, and I'll start to be attracted to the stuff that really matters.)

As for what kind of sex I was attracted to, ironically, it has always been the exact opposite of violent sex. In fact, I seem to be meant for karezza, for sex has always been slow, gentle, and sensual with me, and some girlfriends were the ones who wanted it kinkier or more aggressive. That just never appealed to me.

For awhile I blamed (and felt shame for) my violent fantasies on all the violent kid shows I watched. However, I now believe it came from me repressing my masculinity in some ways. I learned to be a nice guy, believe in the rightness of it, and in so doing suppressed my anger. The masculine seeks power. Channelled correctly, it brings about great accomplishments, but if frustrated, is forced to find whatever channel it can, even if only fantasy (or dreams... though the dreams weren't about violent sex so much as just ineptitude at approaching women).

All that said, I might be unusual. Other young boys may imprint more strongly. I dunno. It's possible in my mind that it could work that way, but I suspect that a perceived imprinting might actually be fueled by a process other than imprinting. Low self-esteem, maybe, or the addictive cycle of needing more and more. The mind might then latch onto something from childhood where it would not have otherwise.

Thanks so much for your support, you guys. I hope to find a goddess soon... but maybe like good men, good women are also just kinda rare. Well, the harder the search, the more you appreciate things when you finally do get them. I'm probably just kinda an unusual guy too. I only really connect with people who are really into opening up and looking inside themselves to the same degree I am. That's pretty rare too. I think this is why I resonate so much with this site; it's about this kind of spiritual growth, and that's what matters more to me than anything else in life.

CuriousFellow, Amanju... I look forward to walking our paths together!

Marnia's picture

Submitted by Marnia on Sat, 2009-01-17 11:38.

And I agree that the goal is for men to be able to channel it where they want it to go, not suppress it. And not just send it where today's advertisers and porn makers want to send it.

Nothing gives me more pleasure than seeing the guys who visit here rediscover their masculine power and use it to do whatever it is that they really want to do in life.

What you say about fantasies sounds reasonable to me. I'm probably too influenced by some recent discussions with gay friends who report innocent childhood experiences, often with siblings, that seem to have "imprinted" their brains in ways they wouldn't innately have chosen. However, I'm no expert. I was mere "musing" out loud.

Yeah, you sound like a natural for karezza. smiley Hope "she" shows up soon!

Marnia's picture

Submitted by Marnia on Sat, 2009-01-17 11:45.

I assume that "tension" refers to "sexual tension" or what we'd call "sexual frustration." I think of it as synonymous with high dopamine. There are two ways to cope.

One's the usual way...with orgasm. That immediately drops dopamine, and the "tension" feels like it departs. However, it can leave dopamine unusually low (or make doamine suppressed by prolactin, or leave the body less *sensitive* to dopamine) off and on for the next two weeks. And each time dopamine is low, the person feels rotten, and is particularly sensitive to any cues that the limbic brain associates with relief. Each "cue" sends dopamine soaring again, and the "tension" returns.

The other way, is to move toward equilibrium. This is uncomfortable while one is moving back through the recovery period of the passion cycle (two weeks after orgasm), but thereafter it helps protect against the extreme lows and vulnerability to sudden highs of cravings (extreme tension). So in the long run, it's better. However, a partner really helps with this second way.

Submitted by Tantra11 on Sat, 2009-01-17 14:42.

Well, I'm gonna go for that second way single or not! Need to. I've had CFS far too long.

Where homosexuality comes from is an interesting thing, and in this case, I think childhood experiences play a big part sometimes. (Other times I believe people really are born that way.) Not having a father figure plays a big part, as a person sexualizes other men, seeking to fill that unfillable (?) void. I've also heard that a man might become gay because of ineptitude with women, and it's just easier to avoid his fear of them by satisfying his sexual desires with other men. I haven't heard of innocent childhood experiences causing this imprint though... food for thought... though, somehow it doesn't sound right to me. The experience might just be what the person consciously associates with becoming gay, but the actual reason might be deeper. For example, due to my adrenal condition, I used to get panic attacks. For me, it was claustrophobic themes, and I'd replay images from movies or TV where people were trapped in small spaces. I'd find myself wishing I'd never seen that movie! But then I realized that if it weren't those scenes, it'd be something else. The energy would've found a way out somehow.

Truth is, I don't think anybody is all straight or all gay. (That said, I'm pretty dang straight...) Until I was old enough to learn that society was so against it, I had no problems doing homosexual things, even though I had no sexual attraction to other boys. Kids just experiment that way, and I think it's healthy. Were I later to turn gay somehow, however, I can easily see myself going, "OMG, I touched tongues with that kid when I was six! That must've been the cause of all this." It might be a psychological defense mechanism to keep me from facing the real cause. I fixate on that and can thereby avoid the too painful truth.

Marnia's picture

Submitted by Marnia on Sat, 2009-01-17 15:16.

I agree that the spectrum of gay and straight is one continuum. I didn't mean to oversimplify...just to share another factor I learned, to my surprise. Our brains are far more plastic than we suppose. Did you read these excerpts from a recent book? http://www.reuniting.info/node/1808

Submitted by Tantra11 on Sun, 2009-01-18 11:21.

I got a lot out of that link. Thanks! I guess our brains really are pretty plastic in some ways. As I get older, I've been noticing with chagrin (and resisting) the tendency to get set in my ways. However, the fact that what I find attractive in women continues to change shows me that my mind is indeed plastic in some ways. Wahoo! At the same time, I guess this explains how people can "turn gay" and back again.

I hope you didn't find my post argumentative or defensive... I didn't mean to be. I'm just happy to have found someone else who shares my interest in the science behind things and might be able to follow up on avenues of study I cannot. (I think the science is important, so though I study it, am even fascinated by it, I dislike the nitty gritty because ultimately my path is the spiritual, heart-based one. Head-based science would take me in the wrong direction, but I do value it greatly.)

Marnia's picture

Submitted by Marnia on Sun, 2009-01-18 13:56.

And anyway, I should be the last one to throw stones in that department. I get quite feisty now and then. smiley

I guess I think of it all as "spirit," and the "science" as just one more language we can use to help us understand better what's going on. Maybe in some other age, some other "language" would have made more sense, but for us, now, science is a good language. For one thing, it cuts right through the various dogmas that cloud our understanding of sexual relationships and sexuality. I think that's a good thing, as it has more potential to unify people than any one "religious" doctrine.

Submitted by Tantra11 on Sun, 2009-01-18 14:13.

Yes, I agree. You're bringing the ancient and esoteric into the light using the most appropriate and powerful language for our current mindset--science. I think that's wonderful! At least it's what got me to finally get it.

Marnia's picture

Submitted by Marnia on Sun, 2009-01-18 15:54.

He's the one who put it all together. He's just not inclined to chat on the forum much...unless an intriguing science-related question comes up.