Sat, 17 Jan 09

The biggest challenge for just about any addict is the "pits of self-disgust." Just ignore those little voices. They are coming from what one guy calls your "beast brain." That is, your limbic system...which got you into the mess in the first place by always pushing you to "medicate" yourself with orgasm. It is now trying everything it can to get you to give up and go back to your "medicine" like a good mammal.

The limbic brain may be located below the rational brain, but as my husband says, it certainly doesn't dominate it! It can usually force the rational brain to do anything it "feels" is important, because it's the seat of our inner compass.

The chaos of your life *will* begin to sort itself out if you get yourself centered again. It won't even seem like that big an effort.

Right now, however, you need to be really kind to yourself. You are in the toughest phase of withdrawal. That is not the time to set yourself impossible tasks or hold yourself to high standards throughout your life.

Be gentle with Jerry for the next few weeks. Meditation is good, and you may need to do it frequently at first. Eat healthy food. Get exercise. Spend time with others, even though you feel like crap.

Treat yourself like a recovering malaria patient...with compassion and patience. And don't judge yourself for now. You're not really who you see at the moment. You're a caterpillar in a cocoon. The butterfly hasn't yet emerged, and won't for some time.

*a big hug*

My hat's off to you. I don't think I could've started being celibate when I was still struggling with my life being a mess. The urge to escape would be just too strong. I had to move and get away from it all, and now, though I still have problems, it doesn't feel like I'm trapped in a place with no solution. Do you think talking about how your life is a mess might help? If so, I promise to be a good listener.

I'll tell you a little bit about my story. It's most likely nothing like yours, but you might find a way to take hope from it. I guess the first time my life really got off track, and I saw no way to fix it, was in college. I've always been a spiritual guy and am just not happy unless I'm walking a spiritual path. However, I was stuck in the idea that I had to make an ordinary success of my life, so I worked really hard in school even though that's not where my heart was. It was unthinkable for me to quit school. I mean, who does that??? Not a smart guy with so much potential like me! Become a monk and waste your life (from the normal perspective)??? No way.

So I stuck it out until the universe saw fit to bring me back to integrity. It gave my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and I was forced to quit school. Many times... kept going back again and again.

Eventually, this led to my next period of messed up life with no way out. Long story short: CFS = no job = no money. How to live? How to eat? I had to live with my parents, which was an untenable situation. We don't get along, cuz they don't quite see CFS as a legitimate illness. Also, back then, I saw it as a shameful thing for a grown man to have to live with his folks. I wouldn't look down on others if they had to do it, but I definitely looked down on myself. I felt like less of a man. Way less.

I got on public housing lists, but they were all ten-year waiting periods. I was stuck! But then I learned about Crestone, a small town, so the waiting list was short. Finally, my situation, though not perfect, is at least more positive than negative. I don't NEED my escapes anymore, and if I play a video game or something, it's out of enjoyment, not the need to escape (and therefore do too much and thereby harm myself). So that's why my hat's off to you, cuz you're breaking free while still in the thick of it. And I think Marnia's right in that you'll be able to solve your problems much easier when you get all the benefits, which, as I'm reading here, sound fantastic.

But if facing your reality ever starts to loom really big and you're tempted to go back to the old ways, just post about it here. You're not alone, and we're all in this together. You help me. I help you. It's really hard when you don't have a support system like this... cuz aside from the dopamine pathway and the oxytocin pathway, we human beings also have the herd pathway. We feel stronger in numbers. We lend each other strength and in so doing let individuals do what they might not have been able to do otherwise.

I know someone who had a similar experience (had to quit school and job due to similar illness). It's tough. I hope this approach helps. It certainly did help him.

Are there any local groups you could join? Meditation? Yoga? Dancing? Toastmasters?

I've been planning to look into those things... lots available, even for this small town. (That's why I picked Crestone in the first place.) However, I'm just not quite up to adding anything to my routine health-wise yet. Toastmasters actually sounds too. I hadn't heard of it before, so thanks!

Jerry, I look forward to your PM.