New Member blog - Soulsearching - History

Submitted by Soulsearching on Mon, 2009-01-19 00:58
Community topics: 
Addiction
porn addiction
marriage repair
masturbation addiction
recovery
sacred sex

Hi all

I am new to the site and the concept of Reuniting. I have a copy of the Peace between the Sheets (PBS) at my nightstand and reads it with great interest. I think the message is revolutionary and it gives me great hope for the future and a better understanding of myself. Thanks Marnia !

I am a Sex addict(Porn and self sex) , sober since 56 days today. I am a member of the 12 step communities SLAA and SAA since more than a year. I am married and have small kids. I have a good income and so does my wife. I have a orderly life in general with the average car, house and so on. I live in Northern Europe and do not have English as my own language, so smiley any language faults.

Some history
Beneath the orderly surface my life was a mess before I joined the 12 step programs. In June 2007 I dropped the porn addiction, or decreased the use significant anyway. My brain was still in a terrible state though. I could simply not find anything in life really interesting, accept sex, this had been the case since my teens. All I could think of was when I could have sex with my wife or with myself. I have never acted out with other people, luckily. The worst thing was that I did not even know that I was in a mess. I thought I was feeling fine and could not understand that my wife did not find sex with me stimulating. I could not understand why I felt so confused and shameful.

I was really only in it for me. It was like having sex alone but together if you understand what I mean.

At the time I understood nothing. The marriage was deteriorating; the fighting was vicious and intense. Talk about separation was frequent.
I was disappointed; I had been basically Porn free for more than a year. Why did the relationship not recover? Why did the awkward feelings not change? Why did I feel guilt and shame?

When I finally joined the program in January 2008. The marriage actually start to recover the same day.

Slowly I began to understand how my ego has got me fooled and how my brain was trying to avoid feelings I did not want to face with the help of sex.
Although I understood that porn messed me up, I continued masturbation on a regular basis and created a bottom line (what to avoid) only with the Porn. I thought that only manic masturbation was a problem, and I did not do it more than like once a week or so. That cuould not hurt or could it ?

The light came on
On November 25 2008, I masturbated and the same day I missed a important personal meeting. This really got to me and I understood that the whole thing about masturbating made me loose my touch with reality. The same day I made a new bottom-line. No masturbation, No Porn.

By reading the PBS in understand it completely. I now understand why sex left me empty and sad. Why i could not reach the spiritual heights that I knew was within me that I knew was in my marriage. I did it all for me.

Today I feel healthier and happier. My relationships are healing both to my wife and to my children. I have a lot to work on when it comes to my co-dependency, that still puts up barricades for me from time to time. I also work on my ability to understand my body and my feelings, that I have neglected for so long.

I do not have sex with with my wife. I think it is almost two years since the last time. I miss the union terribly and I think she does to. But the sex we had was not something to miss, but sex we could have is. My wife is not into the reuniting concepts and does not want to read the book, yet. I will let it take it's time. I see the book as a way to start over. A way to heal, and a way to come close once again. This will be my story in this blog.

Any thoughts are thankfully received

Thanks

Comments

Marnia's picture

Submitted by Marnia on Mon, 2009-01-19 10:20.

Thanks for sharing your story. Looking at your picture there, I thought I was going to be reading the life history of a gay man...or maybe a narcissist. smiley Now I realize it's probably a reference to brain chemistry.

First, I congratulate you on your progress. I can imagine the hell you've been through, and the courage it took to change things. You are a brave man, and should give yourself a well deserved pat on the back. We are *all* vulnerable to the same challenge to some degree. Some of us just get luckier than others.

Second, I was very sorry to hear that your wife isn't open to a physical relationship yet. I hope she changes her mind. Sometimes it's hard to relax the defensiveness that builds up when one partner has "devoured" the other sexually. But it can be done...slowly and patiently and generously. It would benefit her, too, although she can't yet see that.

Third, I have a proposed strategy for you. smiley My husband and I have been learning more and more since we wrote Peace. We now know *why* the Exchanges can help. It turns out you can take a much simpler approach and get to the same place. (Although, many of us may still find the comfort of a 3-week program beneficial.) What you need is "bonding behaviors." That is, non-goal-oriented affection. You can read all about them here: http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/bonding_magic. They work, because they speak directly to the mammalian part of the brain...in a wordless language. They are the same behaviors that bond us to our parents when we're infants, and to our kids when we're adults.

Notice that some of them don't require the other person's cooperation. You can start even without her cooperation. (See list here: http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/bonding_magic#bb) However, I think that once you begin to employ them she might be open to your explanation of how they work. Most women can understand them very quickly, perhaps because women are molded to be more sensitive to the parent-child bond.

The good news is that the bonding behaviors can, eventually, include gentle, relaxed, soothing intercourse, too, once you have her cooperation. That way sex doesn't become a source of the separating feelings that you know so well.

Your English is brilliant. Thanks for making the extra effort required to write here. Not sure what language is your wife's mother tongue, but the new book will be out in German by year-end. I think it does a much better job of explaining bonding behaviors...and the porn addiction challenge for that matter. Be optimistic!

Keep us posted. *fingers crossed*

Submitted by CuriousFellow on Mon, 2009-01-19 10:37.
Soulsearching wrote:

I do not have sex with with my wife. I think it is almost two years since the last time. I miss the union terribly and I think she does to. But the sex we had was not something to miss, but sex we could have is.

I understand, brother. You can read my story at http://www.reuniting.info/node/1376 .

Does your wife know about your abstinence, and that you want to make love to her, gently and romantically, not just "have sex"?

Hope things work out well for you.

Submitted by Soulsearching on Tue, 2009-01-20 06:38.

for the welcome words.

Marnia: Did not realize that the avatar could be seen as something other that the neurochemicals in the brain. now i now but that is fine smiley

Curious: I'll read your story and yes i have talked to her about it and i think she starts to become a bit interested now. She asked me about it yesterday so i have great hopes on the future. The main focus right now is to heal myself and not to have the greatest lovelife. We do give each other hugs and kisses but no more, at the moment. But i am fine with that, from where we came it is giant steps forward. I am actually quite happy about my marriage right now. Believe it or not.

/ Soulsearching

Marnia's picture

Submitted by Marnia on Tue, 2009-01-20 09:11.

And please feel free to restore your avatar. It was fine the way it was. I was just laughing at my silly conclusions and thought others might enjoy the humor, too.

Hugs and kisses are a great place to start. Slow is better with all of these concepts. If you go too fast, you miss the fact that some amazingly fulfilling experiences can be had, even without intercourse. Once you "get it," you become a lot less goal-oriented in bed...because you know you can feel fed, completely satisfied, and even blissful without reaching the usual goal. At that point, you can relax and make *everything* part of the adventure of exploration...even karezza.smiley Sounds like you're well on your way to working all that out.

Submitted by Soulsearching on Wed, 2009-01-21 00:10.

My new version of the avatar would not attach if i did not delete the old one first. Then all disappeared, I'll look into it shortly.

Yes that is my whole change actually. Get out of the addictive cycle and then focus on giving instead of getting. But my god what time it has taken to do this that sounds so easy and natural......

/ Soulsearching

Marnia's picture

Submitted by Marnia on Wed, 2009-01-21 08:08.

is a bit awkward sometimes, and I can't remember what works - although it seems like you figured it out. Hotspring has changed hers several times, so if you have a question, ask her.

My definition of "strong" is "anyone who has the courage to walk through this uncomfortable withdrawal," however they do it! It is *very* tough, because our sexuality is so much a part of us, and the neurochemical changes feel like changes our own *will*...when in fact, they are part of a subconscious biological program that evolved because it serves our genes' desire to scramble onto the next bus (next generation). We're *designed* to push toward sexual satiety, because that is what increases pregnancies. And then we're designed to get restless and search elsewhere for the next genetic opportunity. (Bonding behaviors emphasize our *other* desire - for close, trusted companionship.)

Sexual satiety is in contrast to taking a drug or getting drunk, where it's easier to keep the high and the hangover in perspective. Of course, even then, it's easy for such substances to hijack our rational minds.

Submitted by Soulsearching on Wed, 2009-01-21 08:21.

i figured out that you can answer on a comment as well. nice..
Thanks Marnia, my strong will did not help me much in the past, my surrender did....Sounds daft, i know, but anyway. Thanks for the scientific explanation, it is a relief to understand that i am not a monster. Only a perfect human being smiley

/ Soulsearching

Marnia's picture

Submitted by Marnia on Wed, 2009-01-21 08:47.

but if they do, I'm pretty sure this site wouldn't appeal to them at all. *chuckle*

Yes, I hear you. Surrender leads to strength sometimes.

Submitted by richardsnewsong on Wed, 2009-01-21 00:26.

Soulsearching and your perseverance is a role model for us all. Your commitment to SAA and SLAA is commendable and your results are a testimony that change is possible by working the steps, being rigorously honest and trusting divine guidance to reveal your path each day.

Keep us posted as we all are encouraged by your experience, strength and hope.

Richard

Submitted by Soulsearching on Wed, 2009-01-21 05:45.

but i do not feel that i am especially persevered or a role model, that makes me all nervous (but naturally happy also). I give a lot of the credit to my wife and the fact that we are recovering together, and naturally the Fellowships(SLAA/SAA). I admire everyone that fights this battle alone, i could not. Above all, i am not strong, i am weak and by admitting that, i could heal. Strange, huh ?

/ Soulsearching