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Oxytocin, Adjustment Phase
I figured I'd give an update on how everything's been going since my last post. I seem to be getting a pretty good handle on how to manage things, and I haven't gotten the painful withdrawals since. I usually feel a bit off, more like the "normal" before I started this program, except that I still have the benefits of the abstinence underlying. For example, yesterday it snowed. I didn't internally feel strong like I had been feeling, but my body still flung the snow around easily and with the stamina I'd been noticing since abstaining.
So, it's still there, I just usually can't feel it. The only time that I feel exceptionally good is after bonding with people. Since it seems that the "dragged feeling" is only an surface feeling, the oxytocin takes that away and brings me back to the super-virile feeling. The interesting thing about that dichotomy is that doing something like meditating, instead of long-term relaxation, has the opposite effect. I meditate, then I run through the city jumping off of walls, or my libido wakes up.
The oxytocin seems to last for a while. The day after socializing I've noticed I've woken up with a stronger feeling in my torso and the more powerful voice, and I'll feel good through most of the day. Also, awkward to mention, but the oxytocin seems to go right to the groin. I'm young and haven't had any problems in the area, but usually there's a transition from hard to hardest, the latter typically coming when I'm most aroused. The days after socializing, I've noticed that I just go straight to the latter, even though I'm not particularly aroused. Quirky to mention, but it was very noticeable and I didn't notice the same thing in the same way with the testosterone surge. I guessed it means oxytocin plays a role in that particular function.
Also, there's this thing where I always try new food, figuring my body can't crave something unless it gets a taste of it first. Well, lately I've been going on play-dates, sort of laughing, flirting, a bit of touching and hugging. In the days after, whether it's the dopamine or oxytocin, I've noticed my body craving a woman in a different way, like the link's been established. In general, I feel more likely to approach and risk-take, and the urge seems realer and a bit less "sweet" than it did a month ago.
So, still a lot to figure out, and, while a live-in sweetie would be ideal, I think everything's coming along fine.
- RedBeard's blog
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Comments
Thanks for writing
I've been following your story with great interest. It was those before/after face pics you posted that inspired me to finally join the site. I've had very similar experiences with oxytocin. Especially the going-straight-to-the-groin part. I wonder if that comes on when the oxytocin starts to fade away, leaving your brain searching for fulfillment in the "old favorite" ways to maintain its well being? But yeah, socializing is like a full-body massage. I honestly believe many people's depression would be solved by a little TLC (and following that, exercise). Was it someone here who commented on Midwestern families and their lack of emotional openness? As a Midwesterner I can say with confidence that it's destroying us. You mentioned snow so I'll assume you're Midwestern too--let's start a new tradition of openness, how 'bout it?
Chris
Cool.
Wow, it's
those pics brought you into the fold, I'm glad I posted them. I'm actually from Boston, but it might be a similar dynamic, in that people are very closed-off and there's very little (positive) emotion or bonding. I'm definitely down for starting the new tradition, though. It'd be like a science-fiction movie to see all these city grumps smiling and waving at eachother instead of yelling and flipping the bird. People'll think that someone's drugging the water supply. 
curious!!!
man what pics????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
These pics!
http://www.reuniting.info/node/1993#comment-6640
It's not your imagination, Gentlemen
Erections are not even possible without oxytocin flowing. It also improves the sexual receptivity of females.
http://www.reuniting.info/science/research/benefits_of_sex_without_orgas...
Remember, erection is a parasympathetic (relaxation) response, while ejaculation is a sympathetic (fight or flight) response. Those are anatomical terms. See this article for a snappy chart that shows this, and explains their significance in karezza. : http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/neotaoism_and_karezza
This oxytocin/arousal connection is one reason that bonding-based lovemaking can be so...sexy. Plenty of enthusiasm and desire for deeper union...but not "fight or flight."
I predict you'll both be great lovers.
I've been noticing
I've been noticing that I feel a lot better during the week, than I generally do on the weekends, and I think it has everything to do with being at school and being more social. My weekends usually consist of studying, helping out my grandma, and cleaning up the mess I made throughout the week. Relaxing is nice and all, but by the end of the weekend, I'm desperately in need of a hug.
In contrast, no matter how busy the week is (and it's getting kinda crazy right now), I'm almost always in a better mood, especially since my schedule is demanding more time on campus, I get to be around people I really enjoy more often in a dynamic atmosphere. It's great.
The "feel-good" benefits of a active day for me usually last about 24 hours or so. It'd really be best for me to get a good dose everyday, with maybe the occasional day off to hide from the world. I think I'm probably gonna have to start dating on the weekends. That seems to be the only logical solution.
Thx.
It's great that you mentioned that. I was kicking around ways in my head to get that connection easily, and I was wondering if it'd be possible to get it through the course of the day from work or school. Question answered, it seems.
I like the sound
of that solution.
glimpse
My experience with celibacy was similar to yours in that now that I've been in it awhile, the noticeable effects have faded but still seem to be there underneath. Do you think it might be because we got lazy with the bonding behavior (and attitude)? In the beginning, I was constantly thinking bonding bonding bonding because the withdrawal symptoms were there motivating me to shift to the other neural pathway. Then I got complacent. I still get out in nature, usually daily, meditate, do yoga, play with the pets, etc., but it's become business as usual. How could it not, really... You can't maintain the extra enthusiasm that comes with something new after the novelty wears off, and you'd be a fool to try. So my attitude now is that after the glimpse comes the real work to integrate what we experienced into everyday life. Does it seem like this is going on for you too?
BTW, do you like Kurosawa movies?
Yep.
I had a similar experience with meditating, my most noticeable gains and changes came within the first few year or so of practice, and now I don't notice any effect unless I stop practicing for a while. I figure that the body eventually adjusts to a new state of normal.
For me, with the bonding, I don't think it's so much laziness as it is opportunity cost. I think that's why I mentioned the live-in woman, it'd be great to get my oxytocin with the morning cornflakes. Or, living in a tribe, to get it naturally through the course of a day's events. Instead, I've found it can take a lot of planning, time, and even money to make it happen. Opportunity cost, it's worth the effort to stave off the headaches and burning sensations, but probably not just to stave off the "blah" feeling of normalcy.
Not to sound too much like an accountant, but I think, from here on out, it's more about finding ways to reduce the opportunity cost. Like, the other day, I saw a dwarf/midget woman, and my mind went to those celebrities who carry those miniature dogs around with them everywhere. Hey, just a thought.
Kurosawa, I haven't seen many of his movies, but from what I've seen, I do like him.
Well, when you get your
miniature goddess, be *sure* and post a pic for the rest of us.
Kurosawa
I just realized I didn't follow up on my Kurosawa comment.
.gif" alt="smiley"/>. I was just wondering if you got the username, Redbeard, from the Kurosawa movie by the same name?
Re: opportunity cost: Do you think maybe it's not just about staving off the blah of normalcy but that beyond that blah is greater and greater spiritual depth, even in singlehood? I see non-orgasming as a step on a journey to enlightenment, and though it might take more effort if single, it's still worth it. My idea of oxytocin is that it's not just the cuddle hormone but probably part of the cosmic dance that opens us to connection with the divine. I'm going to snuggle up to the great goddess in the sky.
Very wise
I have often thought that one of the gifts of prayer and meditation is a deep sense of bonding, and being nurtured by, the Divine...however you care to visualize it. And yes, oxytocin would be part of that feeling.
More like "Reddish Beard"...
Ah, I didn't know about that Kurosawa movie. The story is, when I started out here, I was growing my first beard out, and I was surprised to see how reddish the hairs were around the chin. Now the beard's gone, but the handle remains.
As for the spiritual depth beyond the blahs, maybe. It'll be interesting to see. I hadn't thought of it that way, but it does seem to be true, in that there's spiritual power in "oxytocin events" - experiencing nature, meditating/praying, listening to music, etc..
It may be that
the purpose of our sexual desire is to urge us toward the deeper connections with others that can ultimately show us the illusion of our separateness, and reality of our oneness.
Too much masturbation is a symptom of trying to become self-sufficient. (Very logical, but doomed to self-defeating escalation.) Of course you feel better when you stop. But if your goal is still to maintain yourself as a separate ego, you may be passing up the real gift of your sexual motivation. It makes sense that you can't get truly comfortable stuck in limbo.
In short, I think you had it right when your focus was "bonding, bonding, bonding."
Masturbation
I think for me masturbation wasn't trying to be self-sufficient but rather a coping mechanism when I was forced to be single. I never liked it; always wanted to connect. Hmm... maybe this is why I never really got addicted? OTOH, I occasionally masturbated while in a relationship, but then it was related to the performance issue where I might've just not wanted to bother with having to perform. I just needed to get rid of the sexual desires but was too lazy to initiate the whole affair of foreplay, being loving, and all that, and I hate the idea of just using a woman's body as a sperm receptacle, so... masturbation.
Don't you think the basic purpose of sexual desire is to urge us to procreate and it only becomes an urge toward deeper connection if we change it somehow? Like having a partner for karezza. Then, I could see that happening, but while single? Hmm...
In short, I think you had it right when you said you thought I had it right when my focus was "bonding, bonding, bonding."
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Celibacy...
...I always been wondering why you use this word. Makes sense now with the "selfsufficiency". Celibacy isn't the goal of this approach... do I have a word like that for it?? ...seems I just call it "non-orgasming"
Celibacy means not living in a sexual relationship. Is masturbation excluded in "celibacy", too? At least sexual relationship is excluded for sure...
Yes, I should have said
"the *deeper* purpose, or *spiritual* purpose of sex."
So what are you doing in the way of bonding behaviors?
Celibacy
Fleur, I'm unintentionally celibate. Hopefully I will become a non-celibate non-orgasmic person very soon! And with a sweetheart who is likewise.
Interested in Deida stuff too would be nice. And while I'm at it, young, beautiful, intelligent, cheerful, sensitive, loving, a yogini, meditates daily, has an advanced chi kung practice, is a martial artist, is a healer, likes giving massages, has a lot of money, wants to or already lives in a commune (that will welcome me), worships me (but not co-dependently so), likes working on cars, isn't moody, has a good sense of humor, likes my sense of humor, and is otherwise perfect for me in every way. Zoing. Zoing. Zoing... this is me concentrating hard putting out the intention to get such a girlfriend into the universe...
I like the term non-orgasmic too. Brahmacharya also. I *think* celibate implies well, pretty much a synomym for being a brahmachari, which means no sex, not even lustful thoughts, so definitely no masturbation either. That might be open to debate, however. And I wonder if I could still call myself a brahmachari if I start doing Karezza? Hmmm...
Marnia, what am I doing for bonding? Pretty much just the going out in nature, meditation, yoga, play with the pets, etc. It's more a state of mind than anything else, I think, which, Redbeard, is what I meant when I said I was getting lazy. The difference is if I'm heart open (i.e. bonding with the universe or in bonding mode mentally even if not necessarily outwardly doing a bonding behavior, but being in that place mentally made me more likely to hug the dog instead of just sit on the computer ignoring him) or just absorbed by whatever I'm doing. I hope that as my spiritual growth continues I'll be more and more heart open by default rather than to have to actively, consciously put myself there.
Also, today I stopped by to see my friend Anne who lives nearby for a few minutes. The place where she's staying has a dog that just had puppies, so I played with the puppies too.
Man, it's gonna be great when I get to transmute my sexual attraction for a sweetheart into a call to connect with the divine through my love for her. Zoing... zoing... zoing....
PS
I think you're right that Spirit often shows us the potential in an idea...and then it's up to us to do the work to integrate the fundamental shift required to stabilize those gains. Shortcuts would be so much nicer.