Day 19 - Dreams of Orgasmic Proportions

Last night was another mixed bag of experiences. On the positive side, I was out with friends and I found the courage in me to go talk to an attractive woman at the bar. Unfortunately, I think she was more interested in my friend than me but we had some fun conversations anyway. She also give me her number so we'll see what comes of it but I don't have high hopes. It started off well but we were running out of things to say at the end of the night and it felt like the chemistry just wasn't there - and like I said, I think she was interested in my friend. A great experience nevertheless. Being able to walk up to her, spending a couple of hours talking and there's still the possibility of meeting up with her again.

After the bar, one of my friends was adamant to go to the strip club so the guys ended up there. I kept my distance from the strippers and surprisingly didn't find the nudity stimulating. RedBeard - I remembered your comment about the nudity in Watchmen and how you weren't phased by it. I had a similar moment so I was glad I didn't have to fight off the sexual urges. At least not at that point in the night.

On the flip side, I think the bar experience, alcohol and strip club all contributed to my wet dream this morning. I vividly remember the dream - it was with the woman I met at the bar. I remember thinking "no, I'm not ready to experiment with this yet" but I broke down and we proceeded to try Karezza which turned into unprotected orgasmic sex. I woke up very disappointed and I'm still disappointed 16 hours later. Not sure what the Karezza and unprotected sex implies. Perhaps it's my subconscious telling me that once I'm over my addiction I need to find myself a woman who will experiment with Karezza. I'm interested to hear what all of you think?

Anyway, after that wet dream my head hasn't felt right. I feel muddled, demotivated and have lost confidence in my ability to attract a woman. I'm really good at building relationships when it comes to work. Socially around guys, I can be really fun and spontaneous but when I'm around an attractive woman I'm bland and boring. I run out of things to say, I lose spontaneity and it ends up being forced and awkward. I can hear their thoughts - "Wow, this guy is such a loser. Why doesn't he get away from me?" I know I'm really beating myself up over this right now but I also know with more experience I'll get past my awkwardness around attractive women. It just feels like it's taking way too long though and frustrated with the slow progress.

So there you have it. I have some withdrawal symptoms but it doesn't feel like it's Day 0 either so I'm going to keep my day counter going. I'm less concerned about how many days it's been since I've had an orgasm and I'm more focused on my experiences based on abstinence from masturbation. Anyway, let me know what you interpret from all of this - I need to hear an outside perspective to make some sense of it.