In the Penalty Box

I'd been hesitant to write this one, since negativity is a downer, and I do feel like I'm past the porn and orgasm craving and on board with the program overall. But, as the days are going by it has seemed like a pretty big deal, important to the overall process and valuable as a learning experience: about a week ago, I gave myself a few orgasms. Using porn, and not even the nicer kind, the fairly obscene stuff I used to watch.

The back-story I mentioned in another thread, but what happened was that I started a new diet and exercise routine for Spring. Back in my football days, we used to overload on calories to put on muscle mass, so I did that, ate like a pig, all kinds of sugars and carbs and lifted heavy weights. The only other dream orgasm I had came after eating a lot of tortilla chips after sundown, and I've always noticed the sugars and carbs fray my nerves. Intense weightlifting itself stressed the body, and it also gave me what seemed like a huge testosterone rush the first few days.

The result was two dream orgasms in the first three days of lifting. Whether it was those, the frayed nerves, the testosterone surge, maybe all of them together, I got the urge to watch porn. Not entirely an out-of-the-ordinary occurrence, I probably still look at it an average of once a week. I guess the idea is that I prefer the times when I just forget about porn for extended periods of times, rather than imposing limitations and using force of will. But, I got burned this time. At first, it didn't affect me at all, as the new usual. Then, only slightly, and it escalated into the more risque porn and progressed to the point where I didn't want to restrict myself from masturbating to orgasm.

In the back of my mind, there was also the thought that I was having orgasms anyway and wanted to see how my orgasm functioning was affected by the continence. A few things I noticed. One, the orgasm didn't feel as pleasurable as orgasms used to. In the past, I've noticed that orgasms got less pleasurable after I started meditating and eating well and such, I took it to mean that, a flashlight shines brightest in the dark, a feel-good surge when you're already feeling good doesn't register.

Alert! Too-Much-Information. Alert!: since it was a curiosity, the continence seemed to have a positive effect on my system. The consistency of the semen reminded me of the "healthy semen" from my fasting and raw-eating days; fluid (not viscous), felt easy on my plumbing, no odd smell (eh, another abstainer complained about that and it stuck in my head), and there was a ton of volume, seemed like more than enough to conceive every child I'll ever father. So, uh, thumbs up on that one.

The after-effects have basically been kryptonite, sapping my of my superpowers. An example is the stamina, I helped my aunt move twice last week, the first time I moved heavy boxes for eight hours, climbing hundreds and hundreds of sets of stairs; no problem, I was singing at the end of the day. The second time, I was sluggish and leg-burning even though I only made three trips. Weightlifting, I was surprised before to see how easy it was, now I'm tired during workouts, and the aforementioned testosterone burst it gave me doesn't come back anymore.

Socially, I've been back to being comfortable alone. Both of the women in my life (a young woman I've been going on dates with and my mom, of course) have said the same thing, that they miss me. I spotted the troubled look my mom used to get when she wasn't sure what to make of me, and later she asked if something was wrong or if I was mad at her. Later, as we were saying goodnight, she said she "misses her partner". The young woman wrote to me, quote, "I'm beginning to think that if I didn't initiate any kind of hello or anything we wouldn't talk at all. I hope you're well."

They both guessed that I was sick, and, luckily, I did conveniently come down with some digestive issues a few days ago. (I don't quite know if I can blame the sickness on the orgasms yet, give me time.) With my mother, I've consciously trying to maintain the bonding behaviors and regulate my prolactin-down, but I guess it's different when you fake it. With the woman, it's been the lack of social motivation. Plus, I've been thinking more hostilely about her, seeing her flaws and thinking of reasons not to see her anymore. I obviously wouldn't tell my mom, but the woman's the type I'll just be honest with: "it's not you, it's me orgasms".

Just in the interest of being exhaustive; mentally, I've noticed I'm slightly more hostile to people and thoughts in general, and I've noticed some foreign thoughts coming up, things like existentialist ideas that I hardly recognize. The after-effect from the waking orgasms has been incomparably worse than the dream orgasms; the effects of the latter were things I'd have to think about or search for. It also seemed like my eyes were very wet in first few days. It's probably impossible, but also sure seemed to me like my body got flabbier in just a few days.

On the bright side, there doesn't seem to be any withdrawal symptoms or itchiness for orgasms getting back on the program. Still, bah humbug, remind me never to try that again.

(As an aside, am I more prone to orgasm-sickness than other people, or am I just more aware of the symptoms. Maybe both?)