Day 85 of commitment to no orgasm.

Night before last, had a dream orgasm. It'd been 43 days since the last one. Those 43 were a little different, however. Of course, I went back into the passion cycle something fierce, but that dissipated after 13-14 days. Wahoo! But then, a week or two ago, I started to deal with lust again. Not that it ever fully went away. I'd feel a physical sensation in my genitals, a physical desire, an orgasmic fullness, but it was easily ignored. Now, accompanying it was lust much like the regular passion cycle. Desirous thoughts, in other words. That made it harder to resist, but I did, for it was still much less intense than actual passion cycle lust.

I suspect this was caused by some or all of the following possible factors:

1. My extra fatigue. I over-exerted recently and fell into a place of fatigue worse and lasting longer than I anticipated. This leads to frustration and depression, so maybe my body was craving its old escapes, of which masturbation was one. I did indulge one of my other escapes: video games, but I was way too tired for the main other, which is computer programming.

2. Getting lazy about bonding, keeping a good attitude... the emotional work, basically. That stuff is hard when you're alone, fatigued, and depressed. However, I maintained my regimen of daily meditation and aside from a few days were I stayed indoors, I took my nature walks. That helps. I've been writing letters to a friend as well, which also helps, though it's a far cry from being in the actual physical company of friends.

3. Diet. Redbeard, you might be interested to hear that I ate a lot of tortilla chips the night it happened, same as you! I haven't eaten any chips for over a year, sticking to my healthy diet, but due to my extra fatigue, I decided to indulge in some processed food. I'd eaten some a few days before, but not in such quantity.

4. I don't know if this one is a cause or a symptom, but I'd find myself lusting after women in sex scenes in movies. When I initially went celibate, this had gotten a lot less. I was seeing them as human beings first, objects of desire second, if at all, even in sex scenes. Now, I went back to the old ways of just plain desiring them. Nothing wrong with that, as long as in real life, you also treat women with respect, but it was a sign that I was less in oxytocin mode than before. Probably this was both a cause and a symptom, creating a vicious cycle, but I have no shame about it. Worse would be to feel shame and suppress it. I plan to just continue to do all the things to stay in the oxytocin cycle as much as possible, and let the lust be what it is, whether that be high or low. The ultimate goal, of course, is to get free of it (though I am still seeking a girlfriend to do karezza with, that is to be a tantrika rather than a brahmachari, though for the time being, I'm a brahmachari).

5. I started to not do as much about the lust I would feel. I used to do all the various things that get rid of it: bonding behaviors, walking outside, pouring a stream of cool water on the penis, even just peeing (using the male Kegel exercise during it). I got lazy and started to indulge the feeling, get drawn in by it, and this probably increased it. This must be why yogis avoid all sexual, mental stimulation (and of course physical stimulation). It draws you back in. I guess there's a fine line between avoiding and suppressing. Avoid means to do you best, but if it happens, it happens and you just accept where you're at. Suppressing is bottling up, leading to an explosive indulgence. It's fighting yourself, an inner conflict, and that's not healthy.

I guess my point in sharing all this is to share the in's and out's of my journey. I'm sure others are dealing with the same issue, so the more we know about all the factors that go into this phenomenon the better for all of us. It sucks to go back into the passion cycle and have to white knuckle it again and again.

I've been doing the male Kegel exercises, so my PC muscles seemed stronger. I was able to prevent an ejaculation that seemed to have the strength that would've broken past before. That helped, so I don't feel as drained. The downside is that I didn't get hardly any relief from lust. The ache in my loins is back already, yearning for that special someone. May I find her soon!