Journey So far

Ok I want to write down an over view of my journey to this point.

I will start with as of today I am at 8 days without any type of porn, masturbation, or orgasm. This is as long as I have gone with out any of those. I have gone 12 days without orgasm but not the other two. My next short goal is to get to 13 days without any of them. Then it is just a short step to 15 days. After that more little steps to hopefully 20 30 or more days. That is where I am now. I want to do a short recap of my journey so far and add to this blog entry for awhile as I go.

The start of my journey is a little fuzzy. What I do remember is something going off in my head that I had to stop this cycle. I started out on my own without looking for any help. I made it about 3 or 4 days before I started looking for help on the web. It was not long before I found this site. It opened my eyes to a few things. I had no idea other people where trying to do this. Before I started this I would have thought why would you want to stop having orgasms. Well after reading this site I have a good idea why. I was messed up for so many years because of this. I see now how much it has effected my life. Most of which is painful and hard to think about. I have not had a girl friend since high school (and that was short lived). I have been out of high school for 18 years. I do not know exactly when my addiction started but it had been over 20 years. Well I guess waking up now is better than never. It just hurts to think of all that time wasted on and by this addiction.
Now my social skills are so poor I have no idea how I am going to fix them. My only course for now is to try and fix the addiction first and see if I can go further later. Now back to the fighting the addiction part. I found this site about 4 days in. I made it to day 7 ok. On the start of day 8 of that first try my body and mind lost it. I went through an episode of my body just going into orgasm without me being able to do anything to stop it. That episode opened a flood gate. I actually made it to work but was a mess all day luckily nothing major came up. When I got home that day I just could not control myself and went on an orgasm binge. I do not know how many times it happened but it was many and most was while watching porn. That crash sent me spiralling out of control. I went looking for information about that type of orgasm that started it that day. I found something that led me to near disaster. I found something I think might be worse than porn. Lets just say there are audio clips out there that are designed to make you addicted to them or more to the point plays off your addiction you already have. I got stuck in that even worse cycle for almost 2 weeks. I do not know what helped me break that hold. Maybe it was the same inner voice that got me started on my journey. I just know that I am very happy I am not stuck in that hell and that is what it would be. I feel very bad for the people hooked on that stuff. After breaking free of that I was able to get back to this site and start over. I made it 12 days without orgasm that time. I was feeling good on that 12th day. Some time on the 13th day my body did that same thing again it lost control trying to get its orgasm fix any way it could. This time I even felt like I wanted it to happen. It was not like I lost control it was more like I wanted it to happen and I just slipped in to porn masturbation and then orgasm mode with ease and I liked it. Then came the crash on the other side of the orgasm. This time I could really see the difference in myself after being without orgasm for 12 days and then what I was like the day after one. This time I was able to gain control of myself and started over the next day. I made it 5 days. I was on the computer on that 6th day. I found myself looking at images of women before I knew what I was doing. I had no control to stop it. My brain was like on auto pilot and I was looking on without any say in the matter. I did not stay looking at just women for long. I moved to full hardcore porn in short time. That is when the masturbation started. The good is that I could not continue looking at the porn. I had been able to stay away from it long enough to see how bad it was. Not for myself but for the people in the porn. It made me feel bad just thinking about what that would go through looking back on there life. I also felt bad because some or most where be exploited. Well I went back to the posing women (not all nude actually most were not nude). This was giving me a bigger high then porn now. I do not know how long I looked but it was a long time. My goal was orgasm the whole time and I could not bring myself to stop the process. That led to me viewing those types of images on and off for the next 2 days. Well before the end of that 5 day period I had found the images and had been looking at them for a few days before I gave in. I had hoped I could control my cravings and urges by just looking. It just made things worse and cause me to slip 2 times in 3 days. that leads to my current 8 days. I have been able to stay away from all of it for these 8 days. I know now Its the only way I will be able to do this.

Well that is the short version and probably not complete (I wrote this without reviewing my previous post and blog entries. I wanted to write it down on how I remember and feel the events at this moment in time.

The things that I have used to help me get to this bit of control of my addiction is the following. This may not be everything but it is most of it. I have changed my diet a lot. There is a link in one of my blog entries to the type of foods I now focus on eating. I do not know how much it has helped with this journey. I do know I feel better. I feel better about Myself also because I am losing weight. I have been losing weight not just because of diet. I have been exercising about an hour a day for over a month now. I know this helps a lot. It burns off energy and gives you a good feeling. I have started some basic meditation. I see the benefits in this practice too. I hope to get more advanced with meditation in the near future. This site is maybe the biggest help. The people on this site are wonderful. Everyone here is so supportive and helpful it gives me hope for humans again . Visit other messaged boards and forums dealing with other things and its almost all negative and fighting all them time. Not here most everything is positive and even if someone starts out negative everyone tries to help them with positive feed back. It is such a wonderful change. I have also cut back on my tv viewing. I no longer have the tv in my bedroom to mindlessly watch all the time. I watch about 1 to 2 hours of tv a day now. rather than 6 to 8. I probably average less than 10 hours a week. Before it was more like 60+. I feel the tv just drains my energy (may sound funny but I think life force would be more accurate) . I have a dog also. He helps too. I have tried to do more things with my family than i have been doing. Those are the key things I have done to help with my addiction.

I think that about covers how I wanted to get this entry started. I will add to this entry as things come to me.

thanks to this great site and the people on it. I know now that I can beat this addiction. I will be a better person. I will find someone to share the rest of my life journey with. It may take a bit of time to sort myself out. I can feel the changes in me already. People are starting to notice changes in me. I see it in there faces and how they act toward me (this is a positive thing). I can tell that I can handle social situations a little better already. I have a long way to go. mmm a very long way to go on that front.

thanks everyone and be safe