The Beginning

Could it be? Could it actually be????

I came across the stunning book excerpt yesterday from “God’s Poison Arrow” by Marnia Robinson, as well as studying other content by her. The basic premise is that fertilization-based sex (dopamine-driven) versus bond-based sex (oxytocin-driven) results in a kind of chemically-induced aversion and drug-like cycling of emotions and chemistry.

A part of me is incredulous. The premise seems too radical, yet makes so much sense. Perhaps most startling is that it gives form to many of the conclusions I had come to on my own.

At this point in my journey, I had sensed that I did not want to leave my wife, but I did not see how it could work. I wanted intimacy … sex, too … but she was clearly not in the ballpark of willing based on my transgressions and my “lack of remorse” (translation: resentment & distance). On the flip side, I had demonstrated that I could not maintain complete sexual abstinence. It was the proverbial “rock and a hard place” conundrum.

Along the way, I had come to realize that orgasmic masturbation DID have a drug-like cycle. I knew that initially, orgasm calmed me, but within a day or 2 I was usually good for an anger outburst. Within 4 – 7 days, I was generally inclined to get into that mindless trance that led to yet another masturbatory event, and the cycle began anew.

In my mind, I had co-mingled the spiritual element of sex with the orgasmic --- essentially muddling the lines of lust and love, along with their accompanying chemical reactions. But, as Ms. Robinson states, what if the 2 are more distinct that I had thought all along? It leads to these potential conclusions:

• My wife was right all along! Not unlike my distorted proclivity to turn to sex for relief from stress, boredom, or WHATEVER, she has a corresponding aversion to it. Still, she innately knew what she wanted … needed … at the core. Love. Nurturing. Bonding. Oh my god …

• I had learned to use sex to relieve stress early in life, but put myself on a life-long roller coaster ride by doing so.

• My sex-as-an-outlet mentality led to much of my anger, aversion, and lack of connection with my wife. Biology worked against me at the core. I was constantly “hung-over.”

• I can, perhaps, manage my withdrawal AND re-connect with my wife by hugging, being tender, and bonding with her.

It’s so simple that I am astounded. I am also VERY fearful of my own judgments. First of all, I am still in the withdrawal/drying-out phase. It is only Day 2! Second, this feels a LOT like reading my first Patrick Carnes book --- like I had the answer, when in fact I had only a part of one.

Still, I can’t help but be hopeful. The Carnes stuff explained a lot of what was happening with ME. It may not have been complete, but it was my first glimmer of the truth. But Robinson’s stuff explains more about what happened between US, and it seems to connect the dots in a way that makes perfect sense to me.

As a final note, I have noticed that in previous recovery episodes, I have this same feeling of … I don’t know … elation. Looking back, this almost seems like a product of withdrawal … a kind of dopamine-inducing event itself. It almost becomes my “new woman,” and I am wary of that phenomenon.