Progress Report

I’m surprised that it has been almost 2 weeks since my last post. Normally, that would have indicated a setback, a relapse, a “loss of sobriety” in 12-step-speak. I’m happy to report that that is not the case in this instance.

To be sure, the last few weeks have had their ups and downs, but the trajectory has been decidedly skyward. My frustration tolerance has increased decidedly, and the personal anger episodes that I am accustomed to have been significantly muted. In general, I am just happier.

My connection with my wife has been somewhat spottier than life in general, but is still better than usual, especially as compared to the last few years. I think some of her problem is that she does not trust what she is seeing in me over these past few weeks. Frankly, I don’t blame her. The part that gives me angst is deciding how to advance the process of connection and intimacy. Even though we have discussed it on several occasions, the prospect of physical intimacy on any level is difficult for her to accept, especially for someone whose approach to most problems is to assert greater control. But I am gently-but-firmly stating the case for appropriate physical intimacy. As best I can tell, it’s really the only way for us to truly heal.

That’s not to say that we haven’t taken baby steps. There have been considerably more hugs, touches, and subtle physical gestures than there have been between us in years. To others, it may not mean much, but for us, it is notable progress. We’re not prepared to begin the Exchanges yet and, even when we are, I think we will have to go very slowly. I’m not sure what the ramifications of that are, but it’s the way I see it at this moment. If there are no damaging effects of going slower than suggested, I’m prepared to do so.

To be honest, I’m a little afraid of re-starting physical intimacy myself. I’ve had some triggering moments, and I know that my “lust-response” is right below the surface. Still, being able to even recognize that, and purposely steer away from it, represents a breakthrough on my part.

In closing, let me just say that it is unusual for me to blog or journal in a tone that is not mournful.

What a revelation!