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I Didn't, but I Did
Although I have not “lost sobriety,” as they say in 12-step programs, I have assuredly got my dopamine motor running, and am paying the consequences.
Although many people on this site talk about porn addictions, and I am certainly no stranger to that modality, my most recent nemesis is a virtual world program called Second Life --- a kind of massively multi-player “Sims” service, driven by live participants from across the globe. To be sure, I have made many friends in Second Life, but much of my behaviors have been driven by the pursuit of cybersex, whether conscious or not, and the prospect of having it has always been quite stimulating.
Reading “Peace Between the Sheets” helped me stay away from SL for quite some time, but I have recently snuck back in, using the rationalization of staying in touch with old friends (which, I noted, were woman who I had never had a sexual encounter with), as well as filling the void of loneliness that sometimes arises in my work-at-home environment. Predictably, one of my “friends” suddenly became more flirtatious. Triggered by the experience, I also began to cruise more stimulating environments. Mind you, I’ve been SIGNIFICANTLY more tame than I had been in the past, and have not experienced anything close to cybersex. But that’s not the point. The point is that I have initiated my dopamine count-down, and I cannot remember that last time I have aborted a “blast off” once that has happened! Coincidentally, my relationship with my wife has become a bit stormier over the past few days, and I know I have been more irritable and less present.
Re-reading parts of “Sheets” has helped. I’ve come to the conclusion that I will suffer through a mini-hangover for my transgression --- high levels of dopamine, triggered by the rush anticipation, are coursing through my body. I don’t really know WHY understanding the chemistry behind this helps me, but it does. Somehow, it makes me feel as if I am both asserting myself by actively trying to comprehend my state-of-mind, and at the same time, that I am not entirely to blame (as well as weak and morally bankrupt) for feeling as I do. My chemistry is conspiring against me, largely because I have gotten to a practiced state of high anticipation. To be brutally honest, I’ve also not found a satisfying replacement in my marriage OR in ife. I’ve gotten a little complacent with moving forward on the Exchanges, but should probably wait until this hangover subsides before resuming.
With all that said, it is going to be a battle to fight this off. I cannot recall succeeding in the past when I have gotten this triggered.
Any inspiration or insight that readers can provide me is much appreciated. The fact that I have reached outside of myself is always helpful --- but to have someone reach back is much more so
- bhaggwood's blog
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Comments
Brilliant post
The ancients emphasized the importance of "Know thyself." And clearly you do!
I'm glad the science helps. It's great to see someone "grock" the best way to use it. We share it here for exactly the reasons you name. Truly, we are not "guilty" for doing what biology would have us do. And just as truly, we *are* capable of using insights about biology's hidden agenda (posing as our freewill) to steer for greater balance.
I'm intrigued by the words "satisfying substitute," because I've been thinking about this issue a lot lately. I'm thinking of starting a regular blog (which would replace the newsletter...which spam guards seem to block for most subscribers anyway). And I know that one thing I will have to explain is how our reward circuitry works on "amount of short-term dopamine," rather than working on "value of behavior," or even "overall cost of behavior."
This is vital to understand, because it means that as your discomfort increases (as you point out, sniffing around erotic stimulation raises dopamine...and high dopamine equates with anxiety, restlessness, dissatisfaction...and disharmony
), your reward circuitry begins weighing its options for feeling better.
If an orgasmic encounter offers a big blast of relief (sudden drop in anxiety-producing dopamine after an orgasm), and regular Exchanges seem hopelessly tame by comparison, your reward circuitry will cause you to rationalize grabbing the relief...every time.
Of course, your reward circuitry is not taking into account the full cycle of the orgasm, or the shift in your perception that will accompany it (more restlessness, anxiety and disharmony). It is also not taking into account the fact that the bonding behaviors in the Exchanges will *soothe* and *balance* your nervous system, while the intensely erotic course will increase your tension and then throw you into an uncomfortable cycle of recovery.
You are such an honest, insightful man. You stand at a crossroads, and you actually recognize it. That's rare. Most of us just coast past such junctures, completely on biological autopilot. I would, of course, say, "why not go back to daily bonding behaviors, skin-to-skin contact, gentle stroking, and your other favorites (and those of your wife), and see whether they can calm this fever, or not?" It's the perfect test of their power, no? (You'd have to stay away from SL to make this experiment.)
On the other hand, the reason I make this suggestion, is because I have stood at the very same crossroads many times, and many times opted for following the rationalizations of my reward circuitry...and smashed into the brick wall of feeling worse over all, despite the initial delicious thrills. *giggle*
Whatever you do, there is no "wrong" decision. You are observant enough to be able to learn what you're trying to learn...however you go about it.
If you really can't decide...try the oracle. http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/inner_wisdom_oracle or flip a coin.
*a big hug*
Better Bonding Behaviors
I appreciate your comments and insights very much, but let me respond to your responses, and address one of the conundrums of being at this particular crossroad.
Relying on gentler bonding behaviors is a concept that has occurred to me, but when I try it becomes clear to me that I am in the wrong state of mind. My approach is needful --- a muted version of my orgasm-driven approach to sex that has pathways … no, canyons … etched deeply in my mind. The conflict within me almost makes me shake, making it painfully obvious that I am nowhere near the proper frame of mind.
Perhaps I need to do things outside of the bedroom to make this approach work. Being in an environment that is less triggering would probably help. I need to consider that more fully, but we don’t often connect during the course of our day --- or our evenings, for that matter --- with our hectic schedules. Our first opportunity tends to be in the bedroom, especially with the kids home from college.
In a way, I wish I could just tell me wife that I’m having a “dopamine-attack” …. or something
Maybe she would be more willing to assist if she knew, but the complications of making that happen (since she knows nothing about SL, has no meaningful appreciation of my “problem,” and is married to the Cover Boy for badly-executed disclosures) seem insurmountable.
So, right now, I’m just white-knuckling through, with your support.
Well said
but the beauty of bonding behaviors is that you don't *have* to be in the right frame of mind for them to work. In fact, they would be no use at all if they only worked when we didn't *need* them.
I think telling her you're having a "dopamine attack" is an excellent idea. She doesn't need to know any SL details to know that you've got mating fever and that she can help by engaging in some soothing behavior.
Let me ask you...what is your favorite non-erotic touch? Lying still, naked? Bathing together? Exchanging head massages? Having her place her hand gently over your penis until you feel the charge of erotic energy return to balance? Why not ask specifically for a few minutes of your favorite touch? If you do it nicely, almost no mate would turn you down. Just tell her you're conducting an experiment and her loving yin energy is part of it.
No need to go into full disclosure.