Can Men Support Each Other?

Hi Marnia,

I'm making very slow but steady progress with
connecting intimately with a woman. I gave up on my usual
visit east this year because I realize I tend to get the
women all stirred up and being without a partner, I tend to
be more vulnerable than most. I seem to get beat up by
frustrated women who are in unfulfilling relationships. I
find support from men at this level to be very weak. Without
work connections in the east, I can't offer the women much
more than a phone/email partnership for the long term.
I've a cuddle buddy friend 4 hours away by car who is a
lovely woman. We have a great time when we see each other
but sex with her is likely to be very risky to me for
health reasons. We call once a week to support each other.
I've a fellow here who shares my interest in "Peace between
the Sheets". We meet once a week to support each other
and meditate together. I supported another good buddy of
mine at his wedding recently with a beautiful tantric
preparation for joining ritual that I learned out east. I lead it for
him, his partner and the whole wedding party (50eople).
It was challenging for me afterwards to beat back the moronic
sex obsessed women who were touched by what we had done. I
survived with the help of my cuddle buddy friend

It's very challenging for me to help women get out of
their normal ways thinking about men so they can see me for
who I am. It hurts and frightens me. Sometimes I've just had enough and want a break. Do you have any ideas for how men can support
men?

This is what I've gleaned from your website:

Friends

Women (and men?) friends with clear boundaries can do much
to comfort their male pals (providing their pals also have clear
boundaries). They can hug a lot, take a dance class or
partner yoga class together, exchange massages, play music
or sing together, or just hang out. Both friends gain in
these exchanges. In fact, a lot of misery could be avoided
with these relatively simple, generous acts.
Friends can also introduce each other to potential mates
whenever possible.

There are a number of activities for singles that you
mention which I imagine friends could help with too.

Thanks for your efforts to heal the rift between the sexes.
I've ordered your new book. I'm looking forward to
reading it.

Sincerely,

Arnold
***********************
Marnia wrote:

Hi Arnold,

Thanks for your heartfelt email. Yes, we women get very "hungry" around beautiful men, especially those who sense things we've
been sensing. I think some of us also realize that what we have is what would brighten your aura. I think of this female neediness the same way I think of predatory energy in single men...namely, it's a symptom of longing for the feelings of completion that a pair-bond would offer.

My one word of advice would be "don't judge these
books by their covers." None of us really knows what the other person is like until that person is correctly nourished. Meanwhile, we're all like wilted plants...not at our best. I have seen "panting"
(horny, annoyingly pushy) men turn into lovely, calm wonderful partners once they have regular contact with a mate. Gary was kind of a mess when I met him, too. If I hadn't been choosing my mates using my I Ching , I would surely have passed him up.

The real solution for warding off aggressive candidates is to form a
relationship, but I guess you know that. Are you determined only to have friendships? If not, I suggest you get out your I Ching, or it's equivalent and let the Divine choose your next mate. Don't be put off by her temporary neediness. You have the power to nourish her safely. It's a pleasure to watch someone bloom into their healthy,
well-fed self.

Is there any chance you would be willing to post this cri du coeur on
the forum? That's the best way to get suggestions from
others. Women need to hear what you have to say.

Hope you enjoy the book. Let me know what you think.

A big hug,

Marnia
*********************
Arnold Wrote:

Hi Marnia,

Thanks for your thoughts. I find it difficult to fend off
hungry women, mostly because I find the women around here to
be generally closed to anything new particularly when it
comes to intimate relationships. I live in a “Bible
belt” and try as I might, can’t seem to escape it. This
town is primarily about beaches, fancy houses, parties,
traditional family, money and churches. I look for people
who share my intentions (healing, consciousness,
friendliness, occasionally I use the word “Love” but
I’ve found it to be a pretty heavily distorted word in our
culture). They are a small group here. I’m also extremely
sensitive. So I pick up and react to feelings that many men
(and women) don’t feel at all. I often find myself feeling
confused when I’m feeling something only to later realize
that I was picking up on someone else’s feelings and was
thinking they must be mine. I’m sure there are lots of
female “wilted flowers” who would be lovely if I could find a way through the “Relationshit” armour that seems to be so impenetrable
in them.

I have a history of childhood sexual abuse coming
primarily through my mother. It was subtle but extremely
powerful. Safety is essential for me and difficult to
establish. I’m glad for my cuddle buddy friend and for the
couple of guys I know who seem to share my interests. I have
a new lead here that I’m pursuing. She’s a woman
acquaintance who is keen on my spiritual path. She’s not
going to be a sexual partner though. She has a partner and
kids. It often feels like I have a mighty small island of
sanity and I’m the only one capable of being a leader. The
basics (like holding down a job and keeping my body together)
have been very challenging in the very recent past for me.
Sometimes I’ve just had enough and need to vent. There are
precious few places I can do that and be at least somewhat
understood and valued (I do know of at least one website where I can speak as a "Survivor" but I find that identity limiting). So I’m glad you are out there. Thanks for doing what you are doing.

I also think that men need to get more active in finding
ways to support each other. Avenues through which that can
happen are rare. There are so many messages that want us to
be big, tough, animal-like aggressors. Even the guys who
aren’t physically aggressive get kudos for being
excessively competitive in the work/ money world with
disastrous consequences to our communities. Those of us who
challenge that pattern face a lot of fear. In a world where
violence is glamorized those of us who choose another path
face the fear of violence from men and isolation from women
(another form of violence). It’s very challenging. I think
we need to find ways to support as often as possible those
of us who choose a more loving direction . I’m grateful
for your recent support. It’s reassuring.

I once got a very precious compliment from a man out east.
It went right to my core. We were at a beautiful private
lake in the summer and my friends and their many guests
decided to go skinny dipping. There were some very
attractive looking women there. For me, it was just too
much, so I found a way to quietly slip away from the group
to explore the forest on my own. Before leaving I explained
to a fellow why I was going so that at least someone
understood and wouldn’t get worried about my sudden
absence. He very sincerely honoured me for the depth of my
spiritual work. It pretty much reduced me to tears. The
times I get appreciated like that are extremely rare. My
“spiritual work” is more the product of healing from
severe physical illness than aspiring to lofty ideals.
I’ve been close to death many times.

In answer to your question, “Are you determined only to
have friendships?” Hmmmm. I’m imagining that you are
asking whether I’m determined to only have non-sexual
connections with women. For me, friendliness is a quality
that I seek in relating to all people. Ideally sex would be
friendly and loving. The alternative is abusive as far as
I’m concerned. So my answer is no, I’d love to have a
friendly, loving, healing sexually intimate connection with
a woman. Getting over my shame, anger and fear and finding a
way out of the effects of the abuse isn’t easy. It’s
incredibly intense. Finding anyone who is willing to bear
with me through that process is close to impossible. So I
focus on finding ways to be supportive of women without
attachment to the result. Basically, I’m setting a healing
intention from my side. I’m hoping that some day it’ll
be strong enough to tackle sexual intimacy. For now, I’m
just reminding myself that experiencing the part of me that is loving and accepting of whatever life offers is the most important thing anyway. There just ain’t no “Healing” bars to cruise
'round here .

I’m not too sure how you use your I Ching. I occasionally consult Padma’s Tao Oracle, Osho’s Zen Tarot, or Osho’s Transformational Tarot. More recently, I’ve been consulting my “Inner Child” quite
regularly. I’m under the impression that he has a rather
interesting sense of humour. His choice of women is very
challenging.

Thanks for your support.

Love, your friend,

Arnold