Chippin'

Submitted by Aphrodites Chela on Tue, 2009-07-28 22:53
Community topics: 
pornography

Sunday my Isadora left town to help our daughter with her new baby. I'll go over there Thursday night or Friday. Home alone Sunday, Monday and this night. Each night I have cruised the TV over to Cinesex for about an hour each time.

(I also have my clothes and work papers all over the place. The dishes are dirty and I've been eating sloppy. I've gotten nothing of purpose done.)

The TV sex is soooo fake. But God, I love seeing those naked women acting like they love having sex. I love being hard. No problem to not masturbate. Today, on my way home, I said, "That's enough" but there I was again tonight.

I'm sad.

I want to be a loving husband. I want my wife to feel the love when I look at her....when I touch her. How can that be when I have such a deep pull to the carnal?

I wish strength and compassion to all who struggle.

On the other hand (honest, I didn't use either one) I have learned some really valuable stuff here. I am a loving man. I no longer confuse love and lust.

Grateful

Comments

Submitted by Amari on Wed, 2009-07-29 06:50.

Your wife seems to be more interested in the carnal stuff, anyway...

Submitted by Aphrodites Chela on Wed, 2009-07-29 08:08.

that's what brought us together.

I've confused love and sex from the age of 12
....45 years...
35 of those years running the dopamine roller coaster with my Isadora.
Using it
Using it as glue.
Trying to hold my love for her
Hold it against the centrifugal force of the curves.
Diving for the dope
Hoping for love.

I get so high looking at her and touching her. And it seems she needs a man's desire to bring her up that way. She doesn't look at porn and she doesn't masturbate. The high is so similar to love, so close. Now I know the difference. Now, I want to learn/I am learning something new.

thanks Amari

Marnia's picture

Submitted by Marnia on Wed, 2009-07-29 09:46.

Guess that's what makes new territory so risky. You never know what you'll learn, or on what schedule.

I think she's lucky to have you as a sweetheart.

Submitted by Aphrodites Chela on Thu, 2009-07-30 19:19.

today.
Hurray!
and the plants are watered, cat fed, dishes done, clothes picked up....now if I could just get away from all you lovely people and write a report.....

Submitted by Rockhardington on Thu, 2009-07-30 19:53.

has given me soooo much time to do other things. You add shame, anxiety, and insecurities into it, we are truly functioning very low. Good job taking care of your day one day at a time.

Submitted by Aphrodites Chela on Thu, 2009-08-06 06:49.

I have now been on this path for 7 months and just had my sixth orgasm and all is well.
Quotes from a personal message that inspired me to write:

Quote:

Going well. I have stopped writing here or corresponding with anyone from the site, largely because I feel like I got what I came for while I was here. I came to an understanding that the way we connect with each other is much richer than I imagined, and I look forward to exploring what I learned here with a partner some day...The energy I spent writing here is better spent with the people in my life, the ones who are right in front of me, and creating the kind of environment within and around me that fosters deep connection.

I too am finding it difficult to find the time to write. My intention is to at least post 1X/month. Writing is a way for me to process my anxiety. (I have warned our children as to what journals they might find on my passing.) So my diminished presence here is a reflection of a better state of my mind.

Quote:

....but it's not black and white. I don't think that orgasms are evil, and, though I went through a period when I thought it might be the case, I am no longer convinced that our brain chemistry is adversely impacted by orgasm. I have a deep, internal knowing about this, for ME, in my life, and am finally old and wise enough not to let anyone else's opinion sway me from that knowing.

I think we all respond to chemicals/hormones differently and differently at different times. The dopamine rush sure was a problem for me. Clearing my addiction to porn and pursuit of the big O has freed my consciousness so I see more clearly and can be more loving. My last depression post was 7/11 and it was about not getting what I wanted from my wife. My goal remains, to be loving. Holding that in mind, releases me from my neediness. My Isadora was complaining about my behavior the other day. I was quite pleased with my response. Rather than be blinded by terror and defensiveness ("she doesn't love me, she's going to leave me, I'll never get laid again, she doesn't understand, she's an ass") I looked at her with love and tried to understand what she was saying. Wow! a 2 minute exchange, done, not followed by days of rancor.

So, about that orgasm. After a week apart and planning our day on Sunday, I say, "It's been a long time since we've been together, let's share some karezza time." In mid afternoon I ask for the third time, she responds, "How much time?" "An hour." "I don't know about that..." as I followed her to her bed. She accepted my caresses and kisses for some time. Nice calm intercourse, stillness and holding the love. We came to several natural stopping points but I was loath to quit. I knew if we went on too long she would want to cum and I did not stop. She declared her intention and I said I would not deny her. I asked that before she went down the O path, she spend some time caressing me. She marveled at the change in our roles in our sexual time. The orgasm knocked me out, and I slept for 20 minutes (does sleep help process the chemicals and decrease the hangover?). It was very nice. The start of Day 4 and no sign of hangover. The concept of possible repercussions has my scientist/healer hat on...."is that hangover?...do I need to be extra loving at this time?" It's pretty smiley.

Quote:

....I wish you every blessing heaven can send, and all the healing you ever dreamed of....
I apologize if this is way more information than you expected or intended; it's important to me to be as clear as I can.
Take good care of your heart, and be well.

Words like these enrich us all...keep choosing love and clarity my brothers and sisters.

Thank you for your support.

Marnia's picture

Submitted by Marnia on Thu, 2009-08-06 09:37.

As I often say, the key is finding balance, whatever that means for each of us. Certainly, orgasms are not "evil." In fact, orgasms are great. It's their aftermath that is the (potential) problem smiley, and it seems to become more of a problem the more frequently we have them, especially within a two-week period. Not only that, some of us "frequent flyers" need about a two month clearing period of abstinence to get centered again before we can steer for balance.

I think we all start with a "deep knowing" that orgasm *can't* be a problem. smiley I certainly did. Our biological design almost guarantees this belief. However, I encourage people to make their own experiments and keep their own journals...and find their own balance.

Finally, I am always happy when people outgrow the site. I see it like birds flying the nest. It's very healthy to put the energy formerly expended here into connecting with real people, although it's always great to have people stop by from time to time and let us know how they're doing.