Still masturbation free...

I can't believe it's been so long since I posted.
I'm not dead! I am porn free - but actually I think the correct term for me would be masturbation free. The porn is just the delivery vehicle. The beer delivering the alcohol.
I am no longer a groaning, lonely, embarrassed, self-loathing idiot who hides at night to masturbate.
Sure I stay up to late. I think I'm wired that way. I wake up tired. I wish I could kick that.
But I have loads more energy and focus. WAY more self confidence and time to do the things I want to do.
The walking around in a daze is just a distant memory.
And as someone put it, I would have to (and I choose not to) think really hard to remember any porn images in detail - and I saw a lot of them.

What am I doing? I still have the best job in the world. Lots of travel but visiting friends, and places I love and being called upon to consult based on my experiences. People respect my opinion and I'm being listened to and respected by some very important people in my industry. It's affirming. It's what I was called to do. It never would be like this if I was still hiding in the closet with my penis in my hand.

I get to spend time with my kids. Real time. And though I am not always fully present (I'm preoccupied with my job or other thoughts sometimes as we all are) it's not because I'm in a dopamine trough waiting for my nightly fix.

My wife and I are still separated. Longest separation in history. I'd say it's because of her not being able to get heath care and us not having lots of $ to spend on that (I don't want anything she has to spend take away from my kids) - but it's more that it is a hard and sad thing to do and I'm avoiding it. But that too will pass. My goal is by Jan 1.

I'm dating a lovely woman. I told her all about this. (after we had been having sex and a "normal relationship and I started to get distant). Her first response was to pull back. Shocked. A bit disgusted. But after we talked about it (I'm committed to full honesty) she decided to hang in with me. She asks sometimes how my struggle is going and I tell her honestly. I probably "slip" and visit and old site about once every 3-4 months - actually probably less than that. Maybe 4 times in the almost 3 years I've been clean.

It's going as a normal relationship in my life would. I'm so busy though, not sure it will last. But it's not because of my addiction.

Couple thought to share that I've learned in my sobriety -
Honest - full commitment to this with yourself and others in necessary. You have to be willing to lose everything to gain everything. Drug addicts will tell you this, alcoholics will tell you this. If you have not hit rock bottom, maybe the honest will get you there. The shock of some might push them away, but you probably will be stronger.
Let me add a caviate. Full honesty when the issue comes up. You don't need to tell everyone you are a masturbation addict! Just those that are close and when it fits into your relationship. For example, your boss probably doesn't need to know.
Secondly -
Visiting "old friends." Avoid this at all costs. But as I have gotten stronger, and the urges have subsided (I have NONE) I still find myself very seldom but it has happened, going back to an old favorite site. I liken this to a drug addict or an alcoholic driving past their old bar late at night or their old "score" house. They don't go in, but it's like checking in on that old "friend" you were. The addicted you you never want to be again. It is a reminder that that life is dead, but that it is still there and the danger is real. Once at these sites, I find myself bored, saddened, and quickly go back to something else - no touching of penis involved. So I don't recommend it, but if it happens when you are very free of urges, don't kick yourself too hard.
Thirdly-
This addiction is the worst I can think of. It is more in the closet than any. You used to not be able to admit alcoholism or drug addiction for fear of being a pariah in your community. You can now. But if you bring up porn and masturbation - you will be ostricized. The fear is real. That adds to the trouble of recovery.

I NEEDED a place like this to journal daily. I needed a place where I was loved and accepted NO MATTER WHAT.

Thank you Marnia and all my friends who walked my walk with me. You all deserve credit and can feel proud for the success that is me so far. I was hopelessly hooked on masturbation for 20+ years. The past two have been a gift. They are the clearest, most productive, and the most self-esteem filled days of my life. You should share in that with pride. Thank you.

I hope to be back more often. I owe it to all who are still struggling.

Your friend and hopefully a light of hope -
TLR (thelongrun.)