Day 22

Well, I've reached day 22. I'm getting to that phase where motivation starts to get a little weaker. I don't remember as well all the pain and drawbacks of the addiction. Intellectually I understand (the lethargy, the unfulfilled desire, the guilt) but I don't remember the actual state of mind as clearly. Part of me wants to just give in and thinks, "What's the big deal?" I'm missing my previous "freedom" to indulge myself.

What seems to help the most at this stage is reading the success stories of others. This positive reinforcement helps me understand that there are long term benefits to abstaining - those who have succeeded with overcoming the addiction for several months report a more active and enthusiastic life, they often find a mate, and they feel overall happiness with their decision.

That feels a long ways away right now. Even though people will report short term benefits, particularly greater spans of time between cravings, it seems that most start feeling better after six months or so. Well, if that's what it takes...

The last couple days I've neglected my meditation. Today I started it up again. I notice a pretty clear difference. In the past, sometimes I would go on bouts where I neglected my meditation and found myself indulging in masturbation and porn. I'd neglect other things like house cleaning, eating well, and so on. Basically, I binged. Neglecting my meditation for a couple days feels like a mild form of what in the past kind of took me out of commission.

I'm still struggling with fantasies. For a couple nights I attempted giving it up, but I had trouble sleeping and I really struggled mentally. It's still something I want to let go, but I'm finding it even more challenging than abstaining from porn or masturbation.

Peace for all,
healthiertimes