No good going it alone

Time_for-change,

I am an addict too. And this is the first time I post anything at Reuniting. I've choosen to do it here, now. Why? Well, on one side, yes I do, I do relate to you. But, at the other hand, as I don't forgive myself, I also do not forgive you.
If I do forgive your addiction I am forgiving mine. And I can't forgive mine, because I have grown up in a very understanding family. My parents, my brothers, they all accepted my addiction, and that wasn't good for me. In fact, they not only accepted my addiction as well as they accepted all my mistakes. Well, that didn't help.
I guess what I'm trying to say here is that, althought it might not be your case, there are times when people do not need understanding so that they can change, but actually, the oposite.

I am that. Maybe you are also, maybe you're not. In case you are like me: do not forgive yourself if that means not being brave enough to change.

Probably I'm wrong, so I apologyse.

I am sorry

time-for-change, for being here and having to courage to be so open and honest. I am just emerging from a total binge (I recently got a PC again, and my addiction made up for alot of lost time...). Yes, right back to where I was before (though I did not let myself sink too low, because I really intend to keep my PC this time...this is a more expensive and better one and I don't want to end up taking the sledge hammer to it like last time).

You are not a pervert. Believe me, I have felt like one often...but mate, being here means that you still seek a way out, that doesn't sound like a pervert to me. We have an imbalance in our brain chemistry, remember? It gets hard to remember sometimes, sometimes like yourself I feel a failure, I've relapsed over and over and I've gotten mired in the bog of self-hatred...

Well stop hating yourself! Hating yourself will not help in your recovery, nor will it help the people around you/those dear to you. This takes some effort. I started a few days ago, while still bingeing, I looked into those weary bloodshot eyes at 3am in the morning in the mirror, totally drained of semen and energy, and I simply let myself off the hook...that's right, I felt the hate arise, but did not cling to it...and I forgave myself. "It's ok, I love you anyway. Hope you get well soon".

The self-hate tries to come back over and over, and I have to be ready to catch that thought and not let myself get lost in it. Counter it with a positive thought, even if you don't fully believe it yet. Doesn't have to be all lovey-dovey, can just be as simple as 'that's not true' or 'I'm not really that bad'. These small steps seem to build over time.

Ultimately, if love is conditional, it isn't really love at all. What, are you going to love yourself if you can stay off the porn for a few days, or does it have to be a week, or a month...forever...? How will you set the time limit? Wherever you set a limit, it is still placing conditions. This is the fundamental error that we unwittingly pick up, often from well-meaning people while we were growing up...that "if I do the right thing, I will be loved, but if I do the wrong thing, that love will get withdrawn". How sad that is! The love never need be withdrawn. There may need to be consequences, but not an absence of love.

I felt trapped, just a few days ago, until I decided that I would practise forgiving myself, practise loving myself, whether I was 'clean' or not. It is helping so far. But I must admit it is taking vigilance to keep this up. But I heard a saying once that 'Old habits die hard, but they do die'. So may it be for all of us.

I just got back as well. Same thing for me porn/masturbation loops and frustration. I agree there is no way to beat this alone. I also agree what I have learned by coming here is making it easier. I hate myself less now. I will not say I feel your pain but I at least have an idea of what your are going through. Know you are not alone. I will not leave this site again till I am at least in balance. I can not say in balance again cause I have never been in balance. I really want to know what that feels like. good luck on you journey.

of any self-hatred. This addiction really IS due to a trick of your brain chemistry. It could happen to most anyone if they happened to hit the "superstimulants" too hard.

Yes, you have a mess to clean up, but don't feel guilty about it. It would be like feeling guilty about needing to clean up the back yard or something. Just one of those things you have to do.

And get as much help as you need.

It has finally come time (I finally have the courage?) to write a note of appreciation as I see the sharing and generosity above. I have been coming here now for over 6 months and only reading, consuming, taking. I now realize the strength and insight I gain while living vicariously thru all those here.

I have such a good life (Wife, job, home, family) ! I have been so out of balance for so long. I am tired of the fear, anxiety, hiding.

I am so lucky in that while I am working to rid myself of the dirty little habits, I have a partner who is willing and understanding to practice and go it slow.

I read your stories, see the successes,observe the falling downs. I find myself pulling for those who are on day 3, 6, 30...whatever!! I find myself disappointed, worried, relieved when I read the "back to day 1's".....I can relate.

I am truly amazed at the giving and generosity of this site. I wondered, where is the catch, where is the sell? How to have Marnia and Gary's research and wisdom at our fingertips.......when so many other sites tease and only scratch the surface, promising the big fix upon your credit card entry.

There is so much knowledge here to use in our journey.....I use it daily....again thanks.

I bought the book "Cupids poison arrow" for my relationship......thanks again.

The struggle continues.....................

Happy Friday All.
Crow

Sorry...couldn't resist! It's nice to hear your voice in the chorus. A big shout out to all you other "lurkers," too!

Thanks for sharing your struggles. Delighted to hear you have a compassionate partner. Let me know what you think of the book.

A word about my motivation. This site exists because I couldn't not create it. I could see Gary was on to some really important stuff, which the mainstream simply wasn't addressing, and that we can all benefit from mulling it over and applying it to whatever degree we wish. Also, I view this experiment as a group project, so I wanted others' input and experience. These days, many of the tidbits here come from all of YOU. This makes the site a kind of "clearing house" for related information, whoever finds it. Kinda like Wikipedia.

I've enabled you to blog if you like.

Hi, everybody,

I realize I was a bit too hard on time_for_change and myself. About that I apologyse. I've read all the posts after mine and I agree with all of you.
The truth is that I wrote that not in a good moment. Well thats actually happening very often, not the posting self-hating messages, but entering the site when I am down. When my finger thicks, when the urge starts to build up that's when I enter the site, and that particular time I was hating myself a little (again) for thinking about porn.
Right now I am finishing week 1. A lot of hope and confidence this time!

Anyway, thanks a lot,

should see *me* when having an emotional outburst! You'd need practice to even get in the same league, gents.

That's why I enjoy having more balance. So does everyone around me.

Meanwhile, vent when you need to. It'll pass. And it will prepare you for having a sweetheart.