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My plan is not working
All that stuff I wrote the other day about focusing on spiritual growth and just letting go of the desire to find a partner, well it all sounds really good, but I don't think it is all that easy to do. I want to release feelings of neediness and desperation that seem to accompany my relationships with men I am attracted to, not necessarily the attraction that I feel towards men. I don't really think that I act desperate or needy with them, it is mostly kept inside, but I'm sure that it is recognized on some unconscious level. Either way, it always leaves me depleted of energy and confidence, so I know that there has got to be another way.
I don't think I've ever had an infatuation with someone that didn't become excruciatingly painful in this way. I know I'm not the only one who experiences this, but I know that I am exceptionally skilled at doing this to myself. As I've gotten older, the problem hasn't lessened, but what has happened is that I just don't allow it to affect me for as long. And generally the way that I will deal with it is just by getting over the person entirely, in a relatively short period of time. So, maybe I'll feel something like a feeling of attraction for someone one day. Soon, it will go from a sweet infatuation to obsessive thoughts, usually within 24 hours. Then that will last a couple days, in which time I begin to break down, lose confidence, and I feel so horrible I will even avoid the person, because (1) I know I'm not going to be attractive in that condition, and (2) the whole thing is kinda their fault. So, then I totally exhaust myself to the point where I don't care anymore and I move on. This can last a couple weeks, but generally it's more like a couple days.
And I seem to have gotten caught in a cycle for the last five months or so, in which this just keeps happening, one after another. It does seem to be slowing down now, enough for me to get clear about what has been happening, and take some control back. And I did mean what I said, about spiritual practice being the path to healing here. I still feel that, but I don't think I can just shut down my feelings in the meantime. I can't avoid feeling attracted to people. I do need to learn how to deal with it in a healthier way, however.
There is someone that I really admire. I really don't know how he feels about me. I met him last year, we had a class together. And I always thought he was very 
, very bright, but I wasn't really attracted to him, *in that way.* This year, he and I have spent a lot more time together. We've gotten to know each other more. And he has helped me a lot as I've been working to build an academic organization for the students in my department. He did the same in his department a couple years ago, and now he has taught me just about everything I know about the subject.
I realized one day that I was always talking to other people about how great he was, before I even realized that I probably liked him. It just seemed so unlikely, mostly because of an age difference, and because I hadn't felt attracted to him before. I still don't know how likely the match would be, but I've become very aware of just how spectacular he is. I was feeling concerned the last few weeks, because it seemed like he was sort of hot-and-cold with me, sometimes really awesome, sometimes distant. But I am seeing now that it probably has more to do with how much he has to do, than it has to do with me. He is really overloaded this semester. He is quite the overachiever, which is what I really like about him. 
And so I know that even if there is something between us, something that we could explore together, right now is probably not the time.
I'm really trying not to put him on too high a pedestal, to idolize him in that codependent way I have. He is only human, after all. But I have to acknowledge that I feel something special for him. I keep trying to get over it in the way that I described above, but it only works temporarily. I like him and respect him enough that I really am okay with just being his friend, if that is all that is possible. And I really want to find a place inside myself where I can be at peace with this. I can't allow myself to get sick over this, because my relationship with him is too important to me.
I wasn't really writing this because I need advice, but it's welcome nonetheless. I just need to get these words out. So thank you for listening to me.
- pennylane's blog
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Comments
Another thing
I meant to add: I think that most of the time the sense of desperation comes from a very deeply rooted fear that I am going to lose the person, more so than a fear that he is not attracted to me. I worry so much that he is going to go away, and that I hold no importance to him. The mind then tells me that I have to make myself more important to him in some way, not so that he'll like me necessarily, just so that he won't leave.
The thing is, though, this has never actually happened. In every case, I either become friends with the person, or we part ways and I feel totally okay with it. So, really, this is irrational.
And I'm not feeling this intensely right now with this particular person, but just a little bit. Just enough to make it uncomfortable.
Glad you could get that
off your chest. There's such a powerful attraction between male and female (or whatever) that anytime a prospective partner looms it's natural to feel a strong gut reaction.
Does it help to stay focused on what you can give - in terms of a friendly smile, or a supportive comment, and leave the Plan to Spirit? Cutting yourself off sounds kinda like a dead end.
It IS hard to lose people from our lives (although with Facebook, it's hard to REALLY lose them!), but I've moved a lot so I have a lot of experience with this phenomenon. The fact is, no matter who leaves, new companions show up. There are, after all, billions of us floating around. I always discover I'm just as enthusiastic about the new people.
As your trust in Something Large grows (and your faith that you won't be allowed to miss vital connections if you stay open and friendly), you may feel calmer and calmer.
Meanwhile, I send you a big hug. I know you're going to clamber over this hurdle just as you have the others.
Give 'em Somthing to Talk About
[apologies to Bonnie Raitt]
Aren't we good at talking ourselves out of stuff?
Who needs enemies, when we have these self-critical voices hammering away at all of our weak spots?
I'm like you, only different. I had myself convinced that I wasn't a leader, that the best I could ever get to was 2nd In Command. It took someone else believing in me and giving me a chance to prove myself that made the difference for me.
If your voice is anything like mine, it conjures up the worst possible scenario. The reality is that you don't have to express your undying love and tell the guy that you want to have his baby. All you have to do is say that a friend gave you two tickets to the art gallery / baseball game / boat show / concert / secret policeman's ball or whatever, and does he want to come? If he says no, you haven't lost anything. You can always try again. The beauty of an event rather than a date is that you don't have to worry about awkward silences. You can just watch the show while he/you think of something to say.
OK - that's my off-the-wall, possibly unwelcome advice!
P.
Thank you guys
I am really full of it. I've been out all day, and walking home tonight all I was thinking was that I hope I'd return here and find some good advice. So, none of it is really unwelcome. And both opinions are good and encouraging.
I can stay focused on being a friend. I have no intention of cutting this person off, by any means. He has done nothing to me that I can fault him for. It takes some discipline on my part, because it is easy when you are infatuated with someone to make attempts to get something from them, some kind of reaction or sign that will tell you how they feel about you. I don't want to do that in this situation.
This guy and I have very similar goals, it seems. It is not surprising to me that we are getting to know each other more, even if it doesn't lead to an intimate relationship. It doesn't really surprise me that I run into him everywhere, either. He and I were talking about coordinating events on campus together (he knows how to do this, I know very little), and that was on the table, until he just got slammed with work.
So, as much as I want to explore my attraction to him, I also just know that I have to be patient here.
And Poet, you are awesome. I know I am being really hard on myself here, and don't really know how to stop it. Underneath all of this, there is that voice just repeating over and over: I am not good enough, I do not deserve this. Mostly I tear myself apart because of what I perceive as physical flaws, but then it goes deeper into emotional stuff, all that baggage that I have. All the issues and the damage. And here is this incredible 22 year old, bright shining star. What the hell am I thinking he could find value in me?
But then I know he does. Again, irrational.
On a side note, but kinda related: in one of the classes that we are in together, I am getting some unrequested and definitely unwanted attention from another of our classmates. I have this habit of talking to pretty much anybody and everybody, and at the beginning of the semester I was being especially friendly because I felt this responsibility to represent the student organization I'm helping to establish. Apparently, this creepy guy took that the wrong way, and even worse, he has not taken the hint that I am not interested, even though I have been increasingly uncomfortable and less friendly with each advance he makes. I just got home tonight, and he has now started emailing me (through the course website, not with my personal email, thankfully).
The very immature part of me wants to tell my crush about this, to see his reaction, and see if he'd be willing to help me. But that's probably a bad idea, huh? The alternative seems to be that I have to be confrontational with the creepy guy. I hate being confrontational.
Nothing is easy.
Your Options
Pennylane,
About the creepy guy - Only you can judge the seriousness of the situation. Could you start with an email saying something direct like, "I'm happy you have shown interest in the student group, but I'm not interested in a personal relationship with you."? Are there other women you know whom he might have approached as well? I suspect that other women will have more experience dealing with creepy guys (and possibly THIS creepy guy) than new guy does.
About love and attraction - Isn't it wonderful? Isn't it incredible that others can see the amazing you, even while that internal voice is telling you how unattractive and unlovable you are? Maybe you'll see a different side of you when you look through his eyes.
Here's a little insight about guys and attractiveness. Guys don't agree. One guy's infatuation is another's turn off. Guys will sit around comparing women. It's a fun way to pass the time. But when you look at who they are actually attracted to, it is a really broad range (sorry for the pun). This is a little embarrassing, but I remember analyzing women when I was a student and deciding that I wanted someone I could talk to, dance with and look at (in that order of priority). By the way, my wife doesn't think she's attractive, but she's the ONLY one with that opinion.
And thank you for the kind words!
P.
Thanks, P.
Thank you for the sage wisdom. I laughed out loud with the realization that "other women will have more experience dealing with creepy guys (and possibly THIS creepy guy) than new guy does." Very good point, that one. "New guy," aka JG, doesn't seem quite sure what to do with ME, let alone some weirdo dude who is kinda stalking me. What was I thinking telling him about it?
And about that, the creepy guy is not showing interest in the club at all, unfortunately. Or maybe fortunately, because then I would feel more obligated to be friendly, when it was friendliness that got me into this situation. I know I have to handle it on my own. My fear is that he is going to do something to make me very uncomfortable, and I am going to react, and others will see this and think that I am the crazy one. I say this because it has already almost happened three times. He really needs to stop with his creepy hovering and staring and now emailing.
In 30 years, the one thing I've learned about men and attractiveness is that (1) you cannot force or convince a man to be attracted to you, he either is or he is not; and (2) if he is, then there is little you can do to change that, and it certainly doesn't matter if you're not always looking your best. Even though men are such visual creatures, they also seem to me to be more laid back about appearances than women are (there are definitely exceptions), and also more than women seem to think they are. That is good news, as far as I am concerned.
I have experience with
unwanted attention.
(1) Consult oracle. (2) Find a nice way to let him know you think his taste in women is excellent, but that you've consulted your oracle, and it said [fill in the blank], so a relationship isn't in the picture. (Assuming the oracle agrees.
)