Looks

Submitted by Seeker on Sun, 2009-11-22 13:57
Community topics: 
pornography
recovery
masturbation
Self worth

I borrowed some quotes so as to not clutter someone's blog cause my thoughts here are about me.

quote from Harmony :This is all evidenced for example by the fact that my addictive behaviors have tended to be preceded by some thought such as “Nobody loves me anyway,” or “I’m not attractive and nobody wants me,” etc. Such thoughts seem to be the kind of unconscious or pre-reflective excuses I have used to justify my behavior.

quote from Marnia :hadn't really thought about how damaging it is to get so caught up in visual stimuli that you also begin to value *yourself* purely for your looks (or devalue yourself on the basis of your looks). Makes perfect sense, but it's a really high price to pay for comfort. *sigh*

I have these feelings still now. The value myself on looks. Value others on looks. I do not know how to get past this part yet. I do not value myself very highly. I can not even see why a women would want to date me. That is how bad it is for me. It is all linked to the p/m. which came first though really. The addiction most likely but I was shy before that. How to I get past looks. I know that is bad but from my addictions perspective that is what my brain craves now "looks". All those ads, commercials, magazines, movies, tv, and what ever just reinforces looks. I know how that sounds. That I notice looks first. I also put myself way down the list on looks. I have so much to combat I have lost track. I know I need to focus on the main battle which is porn. If I just win one battle it may help.

Comments

Marnia's picture

Submitted by Marnia on Sun, 2009-11-22 17:00.

if porn helped create the problem...leaving porn is likely to help dissolve it. That's exactly what is happening for Harmony. And it has happened for others here, too...to their amazement. It may take a few months before you get really clear that you're connecting with others more easily. But when it happens, you'll realize that you *do* see more than their looks. That makes it easier to understand that they see more than your looks, too.

Supposedly, when we awaken spiritually, all we'll see is auras, or lights in each other anyway. (Sorry, gentlemen...) At that point, I suppose it will be hard to pick out the well-endowed, but really obvious who is post-orgasmic. So get ready...just in case enlightenment kicks in suddenly. smiley

Submitted by hotspring on Mon, 2009-11-23 19:29.

The solution is: stop watching TV, minimize use of computer as much as possible, and stay away from p/m.

Next step: find a community of people who are not superficial. Is there a local Buddhist Jokhang in your midst? There are many Buddhist teachings based on moving beyond appearances.

Submitted by insightful on Wed, 2009-11-25 01:04.

I have noticed you have been putting yourself down in every which way! This is where the problem lies, and not in your looks in my belief! There are so many people who may pass by in the "strictly classical beauty definition", yet there is such strong sense of self and sensuality and so much charm, and their energy and how they hold themselves is way beyond what looks can do! It surpasses that!
When you believe in yourself, when you are integrated, when you stop putting yourself down and start talking to yourself with grace and value, you will change the way you look and come across. However, having said that, you can let your self exression out freely, but start noticing all the nice things about yourself, because I am certain you have plenty. It is just that you have allowed yourself to listen to those things that bring you down and at some stage in your life, you let these thoughts win over the better part of you, and I have the feeling that you may even query if you have any, since the feedback you give yourself is negative and it has taken a chain reaction.
I would love to hear some of those really positive things you have of yourself, more often. It is ok to speak out of those down puts you keep giving yourself, because then we will correct you, once they are out in the open, and I like how you express your thoughts out, but I am certain that you have plenty of beautiful qualities and I like to discover them!
I hope I am not too rough with my straight forwardness! It is really positive feedback and directness has been known to assist people to view how things are not just make them look nice.
I like your freedom of expression, you just need to learn to Not judge yourself negatively.
Beauty comes from different levels, and it is also the reflection of the inner self upon the face!

Submitted by Seeker on Wed, 2009-11-25 03:06.

Well I will tell you something I do believe. Your chosen name for this forum is very accurate smiley . Ok I am trying to listen. I have come a long way. Go back less than a year and I would either just shut you out or scream at you in anger/rage. I would not want to hear what you have written here. I agree with you. I do have a problem with looking at myself negatively.

Although I still find something strange today. I had an orgasm earlier as I wrote about in the other post well 2 actually still strong reaction to them but neither porn or fantasy with either. I still feel some what clear not dull and no energy like before. I do not even hate myself for it.

I bring it up cause I am still feeling good even with the orgasm. I think I am seeing things differently some how.

My illness is not the masturbation. It is just a side effect of my problem. I have no self worth. I have a very low self esteem. I can express that a little better now

I need to learn to like myself first maybe before I can beat this. I said something similar in the other post. I think I have been putting cart before horse through most of this.

I thought I could just bash through the addiction and I would find myself better on the other side. I think now I need to heal before I can beat the masturbation.

I did a reading and it pointed to this line of thinking. I will try to follow that reading as best I can understand it. That is how I am supposed to use it any way smiley .

You talk about blocks. I am not sure I completely follow. Is it the way I feel about myself that you speak of ?

So much seems to have changed in me over the last few days. I do not want to continue the poor me attitude any more.

I am really going to enjoy thanksgiving this year. I always do. I will try to make this year even better.

I hope everyone else has a wonderful day tomorrow as well.

thank you insightful. I do seem to get better the more I am pushed. I open up to things more just look what hotspring did for me smiley.

So fire away I will not hate you for whatever you say to me. I need to hear it. I want to hear it now.

I owe so much to everyone on this site. I can only think of one way to repay everyone and that is by getting better and feeling better about myself for myself.

thanks everyone
be safe

Submitted by Reggie on Wed, 2009-12-02 14:14.

that just blew me away....I am wondering if that is the root cause for my indulgence too..I usually dont like to think of myself as someone with low self esteem...but have never really confronted that question head on....have been afraid that if thought about it I might become one.....you see there is so much wrong and so many areas of improvements that it sometimes gets so difficult to justify self esteem and so I guess I just find a better way out..just dull my senses with a blast of dopamine and just push it under the carpet.....that could be a credible explanation of my behaviour too....

cheers,
Reggie

Submitted by insightful on Mon, 2009-11-30 01:16.

Great work, and I am glad you have gotten over the first steps of experiencing rage, and the reason you can turn inside and introspect because you made a little space to take a step back rather then be reactive!
....and some great positive talk above, sounds very healthy! You are doing great! ...and yes, you are right, addictions are not the real problem at the root but stop you from looking into the real problems under them. If you can draw the strength to not give into them, bit by bit, and make the space to be able to look below that you can find a lot about yourself! Well done! ....and thank you for the compliments!

Submitted by River on Wed, 2009-12-02 12:26.

That's my issue too, James. Self-acceptance, self-love, self-worth, confidence in dealing with the rest of humanity, confidence in dealing with people just in my local community sometimes.

Yes I agree, let's tackle the root cause that fuels the addiction to the 'comfort food' of porn. Maybe what we really need is people.

Submitted by Seeker on Wed, 2009-12-02 14:29.

Yes I am starting to get that. I posted about that in my daily thoughts blog. I am having a hard time of it at the moment because of that conflict. Being a shy loner for so long( helped by the "comfort food") I am having real problems breaking down that barrier. The problem is when I am alone I fall apart. I notice I feel much better talking to other people I am just not very good at it. It is the only way I see out of this though. I could see it and feel it today. I always thought I could go it alone and I did not need anyone. I was wrong and now I know why. I know how I was able to cope for so long. Orgasm was the only thing keeping me going and I had them a lot 20+ a week for 20 years. Looking back now I see all those times and how I used them to just escape. I would even think that while I was surfing porn and masturbating. I would think I just need to get home and escape from it all for awhile. That is what I was using it all for, to hide, to keep from having to deal with things, It was the easy way out the coward way out. I was not a strong person that did not need anyone else. I was a weak person looking for a place to hide. I have just not figured a way to stop trying to hide yet. It scared the hell out me just thinking about being more social. I will have to find a way to get past this. The only thing I can think of to do is just keep moving forward and hope for some type of break through. I just can not give up now. I do not want to. It hurts too much now to think of going back the way I was. I think that is what is keeping me going at this point. It will hurt more going back to the way I was then it will to go forward.

What is holding me back or causing me pain? Or what do I need to be alert to in my situation?

NOT CENTERED

What insight will help me at this time?

KEEP GOAL IN SIGHT

that is what the oracle gave me on this thought. I do not even get surprised anymore by it. I clicked the oracle after I posted all that.

Marnia's picture

Submitted by Marnia on Wed, 2009-12-02 17:45.

'cause I was just going to add, don't think that shy person is *who you are.* That remains to be seen. You may find out you are someone else entirely, personality-wise, once this readjustment is complete.

Comfort-users (of any stripe) forget that their chosen comforts are not without effects. Although they feel like "medicine," they're potentially a big part of the problems of shyness, etc.

But you know that.