The depth of what I have done to myself

I have not given the full depth of what I am dealing with. The reason I think I feel crazy sometimes. This may get long.

I need to explain what has happened since february of this year. First a quick recount of how I got to that point.

I have been doing porn/masturbation/orgasm for 25+ years. The first 10 years was at least one orgasm a day. I may have missed a day here or there but very few. I used porn mags and vids during those years. Not every day but still too much. Then starting 15 or so years ago I got internet access. That started the use of porn everyday. Again there might have been a day missed here or there but not many. I had also by that time worked my way up to multiple orgasms a day everyday. So for the last 15 years I have been doing multiple orgasms with porn every day. Very very few days missed sometimes months and months without a day missed.

That lead to this past february. I do not remember what cause it or what made me even try to stop the porn and masturbation use. I just thought to stop one day. I made it somewhere between day 3 and 5 before I found this site. I new I had a big problem by then because of the difficulty I was having just after so few days. I after finding this site made it to day 7. On day 7 my body had an orgasm without my help. I just could not control it. Well the binge that followed that first attempt and relapse was very bad. It took me awhile to pull myself back together. Looking at my calendar it was a week before I could even stop again. That only lasted one day. It then took me another 6 days to stop again. This stop and relapse a few days went on through may till I just lost control completely again. I sank back into my old routine.

Back track for just a sec. That day 7 incident made me go looking for something. I wanted to know more about having orgasm without touching myself. This would turn out to be a very bad thing to do. I found a recording that promised hands free orgasm. It turned out to be a hypnosis recording. Well I tried it for awhile. I did not believe in hypnosis before this. I tried it anyway. After I gave up completely trying to stop and stopped visiting this site I found out hypnosis does work. That recording did what it said it would do. I found other recordings and used them . One scared me bad enough that I stopped using hypnosis for awhile. The reason it scared me was the triggers it was trying to implant. I was not yet that good at going into trance so they did not stick. That changed later as I will describe.

Well after stopping with the hypnosis sessions. I fell back into my routine again. I did this till about july. Then I found hypnosis again. A different way this time though. I found erotic vids and porn where women were controlled by hypnosis to do things sexually. I know most of it was staged but not all of it. Well the first night I found this type of porn I was up all night till I had to go to work. I masturbated to this new novel porn for 8+ hours. After I got off work I was at it again. I could not get enough of it. My brain was just hooked more than ever. I just lost all control for weeks using this new porn. Everything I could find. I was masturbating and using porn way more than ever before. I was having 5+ orgasms a day at this point. Or I would hold off orgasm while watching for hours like 4+ hour long masturbation sessions without orgasm till I just could not take it anymore. I was completely out of control and I did not care. This lead to the next step.

After weeks of this I decided that I need to get back into being hypnotized. I looked up new hypno dommes. I tried several over a few weeks and found one that I liked. I started using her sessions a lot. She had conditioning sessions and subliminal sessions to make you more “programmable”. I was hooked. This part started about the middle of august this year. Well after time went on I started buying her sessions. Yes they cost money and that is how she make a living. Many many men are hooked on this stuff. Some far worse than me. They is very scarey cause I was hooked bad. The more you listen the more you are programmed. That make you want to listen more. You want to be submissive you get programmed to be. She has a website with a message board and chat room. You could talk to her and other this way. I talked to her in chat a lot while this was going on. She stared out with D/s before she got into hypnosis. D/s Dominant/submissive). I used many of her recordings. I used the conditioning ones a lot. I started using them while sleeping. I would start the subliminal conditioning recording and go to sleep with it running. Wake up with it still going. I was starting to go into deep trances. I would go into trance during her recordings and I would follow the instructions of the recording. Like wake when told and back into trance and do little things so you know you were not asleep while listening.
The thing is though you would not remember listening to the recordings. I did not believe this was possible till it actually worked on me. I listened to many recordings like this. To this day I do not know what was said in those recordings or what was implanted by them. I know some of the triggers that were but not all of them. I do know that it does work and that it did work on me.

That leads up to september. This is the part that make me wonder if I am in control. This one session I started listening to overrode all the others. I still used the conditioning recordings. This new one was designed to make you masturbate to porn more than every. It programmed you to do this but not orgasm. The programming worked very well. From the first session with this recording. I went 15 days of masturbating more than I ever have before this point. I was doing it hours a day to porn as much as possible. I did this for over 2 weeks. Not one orgasm. Just masturbation session after masturbation with porn for as long as possible. It was just crazy. I was actually enjoying it too. As I said I have no idea what is in that recording. I listened to it at least 50 times. Sometime multiple times in a row. Just tranced. The recording was over an hour long. I would be in deep trance sometimes for over 3 hours.
There was a recoding that went with it. It was to allow you to release. I do not think I could of had an orgasm at that point with out that recording giving me permission. Again I do not know what all was in that recording. I just know that at day 15 I had to have release. I used it and did. I went a couple of days with orgasm. Then did the same thing for 9 days till I needed release again. At that point she gave me permission to listen to other things. That is right I was so conditioned that she could do that. It is weird to think about that now.

I started listening to other recordings. I started buying vids of hypno recodings. I was using those to masturbate with again. This is finally when I managed to gain control. I was spending money. I did not like this. My mind finally rebelled. It took a bit but I managed to break away from listening to the recordings.

That is when I came back here. That is what I was doing and where I was at just before I came back here.

This is why I say I feel like I am going crazy sometimes. I know from reading that implanted triggers and stuff from hypnosis can stay with you for years. I know some of the triggers and stuff still affect me. I still pause and have a reaction to the word obey. That is the only trigger I will mention. The thing is I do not know all of the stuff that is implanted in my head from this. That is why I said it scared me because I do not know if the stopping a few weeks and then giving in is in part due to my programing.
I know this sounds crazy and strange. This is what this addiction caused me to do to myself.
I have no idea what damage was done. I know some of it but not even close to all of it.

I think that covers just about all that I can remember for now. I thought I should get all this out. I know I have shared stuff before. This is just about all of it. If I think of more I will add.

This is what I am dealing with. This conditioning is on top of the porn masturbation addiction.

I think I should be happy I am doing so well.